Afraid of getting married?

Question

I have been with my fiancee for seven years total. We are supposed to be married in a couple of months. While she is a good woman who has been with me through up and down, I am afraid of getting married. Early in our relationship she had some problems dealing with people in her past her were bad to her. I helped her work through it but a lot was taken out on me. I never left her because I saw the good. We are doing fine but some of the early spark for me in the relationship left after only a few months. While she is my best friend and I love her and I do not want to hurt her, I am afraid of getting married and feel a lack of a spark towards her. I like being around her but am not extacticly happy most of the time. I never dated much prior to her and do not know if this is something that you normally feel after several years or if this is a major problem. I am usually a romantic but just do not feel that way toward her. She is gung ho on the wedding but I am hesistant. Help.

Answer 1

If there's no spark, Rekindle it! Sure after 7 years there's a commonality of life that makes things less exciting, but that doesn't mean you cant jump start your relationship. Pursue her like you just met. Take her out on dates like you're just beginning. Buy her outfits that excite both of you. Don't act like you know everything about her. Relearn everything about her. She might just surprise you and tell you things you never knew. If things have become commonplace, change everything. Move somewhere else. Change decor. Update your wardrobe, and hairstyle. You're never too old to change until you're dead.
Just because you never dated much before your girl and you hooked up doesn't mean that there's anyone else out there that's better. Consider yourself one of the lucky ones that found love quickly, and didn't have to go through endless years of meaningless dating with every looser you came across. If she's really your best friend, and you love her as you say you do, you've got more than most couples do. Don't think that sex or sparks are all that a marriage needs. Marriage needs best friends. Marriage needs two people who help each other to deal with bad people in their lives. Marriage need two people who sustain each other when a lot is taken out of one or the other. Marriage needs people who see the good in each other, when things around them are bad. Marriage needs the two of you.

Answer 2

1) Talk with her, and be honest. Marriage isn't going to bring the spark back. It's going to be tough, but you have to tell her how you feel.

2) Be honest with yourself as well. You two have been through so much, and it probably feels like you've been married a few years. However if you are already feeling like she's better as a best friend, then you need to be honest with your feelings.

3) Don't act right away. Go to counselling with your fiancee and communicate. If, after a few sessions, you feel that you would be destroying your life and hers by getting married, then call it off.

4) Of course she's gung ho! This is her dream wedding! But it's your wedding too. Don't base your decision on her excitment. You have to listen to your own heart as well.

Good luck!

Answer 3

Ahhh, seven years, the magic number. This is when a relationship starts to change. You are now taking a good hard look at the relationship & your partner and are wondering if there just isn't something MORE out there.
Could be.

By now the "sparks" should have waned; not that you don't desire your partner or find them irresistible. But now you should be feeling that deep committed love; the one that almost overwhelms you with peace & joy & happiness& contentment. And what would happen if you could no longer perform sexually? You think she would stay with you? Would you love each other enough to stay together? Would you have enough in common?

Because you haven't dated much, you are wondering what you've missed? If free, would you be different than who you are, now?

No one can tell you what to do. But you should know whether this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. If it is not, call off the wedding.

Answer 4

I heard a wise man say once about marriage that somedays he looked at his wife and was filled with passion and love, other days he looked at her and wasn't pleased at all and still other days he looked at her and didn't have a single feeling good or bad. Love isn't all about feelings.

You've been together for 7 years through ups and downs. You've got what it takes to make it. Hold on to that! You're not always going to have a "spark" between you. I'm getting married in October. We've been together for 4 years through ups and downs. The spark is not always there. For about a year it wasn't there at all (one of our down times) but we stood by each other and made it through.

Marriage is the glue that helps keep you together through those down times.

I suggest reading "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. The dying spark may have something to do with the way you two express love. Check out the website - there's a helpful 30 second quiz to get you started and if you don't like reading - it also comes in audio and video.

My Love Languages are Touch & Quality Time. My Fiances are Quality Time and Acts of Service. We both have to work at expressing love in a way that is meaningful to each other. If he washes my car for me it doesn't mean half as much as holding my hand in public. Each expresses love, but one fills my "Love Tank" faster than the other. Check it out - I think everyone can benefit from his teachings.

Answer 5

If you are not sure - stop it now. Sounds as though you are mature and would not do this lightly. There is no sense starting a marriage with a problem as important as there not being chemistry - because it's not easy to capture after the fact. You put in a lot of years, but if you decide to leave her, you really need to just look at it as a learning experience. You may deserve better, only you can decide.

Answer 6

Familiarity and routine is normal after 7 years. The spark ussually fades in ALL relationships after a while.

You love each other and she's been with with you through thick and thin. She deserves to be your wife after all of this. Be a gent and carry on with your wedding, love is hard to come by and you don't want to gamble what you have for nothing.

Congratulations and good luck

Answer 7

yes, it is normal to lose some of that newness spark you felt for her at first. It's important, whether you marry her or not, to acknowledge those feelings to her. You need to be copletely honest in telling her that you don't want to get married right now. Not bcuz you don't love her but bcuz it is a scary thing for anyone to feel like they are losing freedom in order to be with someone. ask her to be patient and help you work thru this. talk to friends who have taken the plunge and get some ideas, also try to hang with married friends cuz you'll find that that may rekindle your feelings. it is normal in every part of your relationship to have highs and lows, hang in there.

Answer 8

If you seriously don't see yourself spending the rest of your life with her, it's best to get out now. Of course it's going to be hard after 7 years but if you're not committed to her, don't waste anymore of her time or your time.

I've seen so many friends in situations similar to your fiancee and, the longer you leave it, the worse it gets. I've never been a big one for marriage and having kids but, as I get closer to 30, I see my friends desperate to find the right guy to settle down with as they can almost hear their biological clocks ticking.

Be fair on her and yourself and don't stay if the relationship is going nowhere.

Answer 9

Sparks die out after a few years. You will not feel the same electricity of passion and emotion after seven years. That is why relationships start as lust and grow to love. That's normal.

But if you don't love her and don't want to marry her, you better call it off fast.

Answer 10

The spark does tend to die off after a while, however, dont marry her if you have any reservations. It can be a costly mistake. If you arent sure, you better wait, cause marriage isnt going to make a bad situation any better.