How can I gently break up with my boyfriend?

Question

I have a boyfriend I have been with for almost 2 years. I am in my mid 20s so I am obviously looking for someone to eventually mary. I have realized I do not weant to marry this person, so I don't want to waste any more of our time. He was always a good friend of mine before we dated, and I don't know how to tell him with minimal pain. I know he will be upset, and it kills me to hurt him. I know I can't just come right out and say "I don't want to marry you" because that seems a little harsh and I dont want to do that. Although some people say it's impossible, I would like to eventually be friends again somewhere down the road.

Any suggestions about what I could say or how I could wordit to make it a little easier on him?

Answer 1

It will hurt regardless...so don't sugar coat it...tell him bluntly and honestly you are not interested in persuing the relationship any farther...that last thing he wants to hear is that "you still want to be friends"

Answer 2

Tough situation. It's definately a long conversation, and not on the phone. The key is to be direct, yet with loving intentions. Let him know that the last thing you want to do is cause him pain or sadness. The truth is the truth, so be prepared to give him some solid reasons so that he doesn't walk away feeling confused. Be honest with him about what you're looking for in a husband. He'll know if he has those qualities or not and he'll understand. Make sure that you two don't see each other at all for like two or three months after the break up. It's easier to let go when the person is out-of-sight, out-of-mind. Good luck!

Answer 3

First off why have you been dating a person for 2 years if you do not want a future with them? I think that you are wanting the freedom and maybe found someone else that hits your interest better than he does.

But I have always heard the longer you date then the less likely you are to work out.

I believe the only way to tell him is to invite him somewhere private and maybe start to tell him over dinner, I mean your gonna have to spit it out some how and why do it in a public place.

But I would take the time to consider if you are thinking about if this is a right choice for you to make. Maybe have a temp. break up just to get some air and just tell him that and see if that might help your decision any!

Best of luck

Answer 4

There is no gentle way of breaking up with him if he really is in love with you. If he really loves you and you asked him to be just friends, I doubt that he would just put his love aside. He would try to move on most likely. But if he feels the same way as you feel then there is a chance that you guys can pull it off. You can just plainly tell him that you just wanna be friends with him or you could do what girls do in your position: think of something to fight about (even the small things) and make it a big one and then break up with him. Like making it a big issue if he went somewhere and didn't tell you, or he spends more time with his friends than you, or pretend that you think he is seeing someone else.

Answer 5

Well, you have already made the hard decision about what you want. I'm sure you also realise that his feelings, as important to you as they are to you, can't be a part of your decision to stay with him. If they were, you wouldn't leave. You know that, in the long run, staying with someone you don't want to be with is cruel to them.

So, you're going to hurt him. This bothers you because you care about him. You want to soften the blow because you do love him, but know that his reaction is up to him. You have no control over his feelings, only over your own actions - so do what you'd want him to do if he were you: be honest and straightforward.

Ultimately, if he knows and loves you too, he'll want you to be true to yourself no matter how much it hurts him. Know that. Tell him you want to start seeing other people. His sorrow/anger will hurt you, because you care about him. If he knows you, he'll see that. That situation is about the best that can be hoped. You're both adults, this is the tough stuff that you deal with.

I'd be afraid that if you try to "soften the blow" you'll end up fuzzing the truth that you no longer want to be with him - which is what he needs to know.

Sometimes things hurt. Be honest and straightforward you'll have no regrets in the years to come.

Answer 6

That's the catch. Breaking up with minimal pain is more painful for your boyfriend.

If you want to minimize the pain, you tell him obnoxiously and flat out that you aren't attracted to him and if he doesn't like it, to Koo-nuck off.

The angrier and more arrogant you sound about it, the more painless it will be for him, because he'll think, "dang, what did I see in her??? she's an annoying person."

He'll feel glad that you left him after two years and will "thank god to high heaven that he didn't fall for you."

It sounds harsh, but doing it this way assures that there's actually (I know its ironic) a chance you both could be friends one day.

If you break him off gently, it's cruel to a man's heart. I fell in love with a girl once who gently tried to ease the very pain that she did not love me as much as I loved her. I suffered for 3 years because I concluded that she had so much class, that it was pointless trying to find another person as great as her. I must have lost many opportunities of meeting wonderful women because I was so hopelessly in love with her.

In retrospect, had she just been rude to me, I'd have gotten over her quite easily and I'd've even been thankful to her for tossing the cold water of reality into my face.

Have you ever heard the song, "Cruel to be kind"?

Answer 7

Yeah, that is a tough one. But it can be done! The good news is that since you care enough about him, that will come through in your words. You can say that you care very deeply for him, but you dont see a future with him outside of a good friendship. This will hurt, but you are not doing him any favors by prolonging it. He may need his own time to heal before he's ready to be friends with you again...but my ex fiance and I broke up 5 years ago and we are great friends today. I know I could count on him for anything and vice versa. People who can't be friends after, its usually because they feel wronged. Your not wronging him by being true to yourself. He will see that, and after he heals, my hope is that you remain great friends. Best wishes to you...good luck!!

Answer 8

oK. First off... Yes its possible to break up and salvage your friendship still. It just takes time. This is what you do. Just go to him and tell him, Look... This isnt working for me anymore. In my mind I dont see this going anywhere and I want to end it. He is going to be upset. as he should be since you two have been together for so long... but break ups are NEVER easy. Just be honest and dont fall for the PLEASE ONE MORE CHANCE crap... Cuz you'll just feel trapped. In about 6 months or so, call him to see how he is doing, or what he is up to, DONT "hook up" just talk as friends do. I remain friends with EVERYONE of my ex's to this day because I genuinely care about whats going on in their lives. So you cant get jealous if he has a new relationship, and you cant WANT him back... So be POSITIVE you just want to be friends before ending it. Good luck. Hope this helps.

Answer 9

I would say exactly what you just said. That you really want to marry eventually and you just don't feel that this relationship is headed in that direction. That you care deeply for him and don't want to hurt him. But that's how you feel so be open and honest. He'll appreciate the fact you were.

Answer 10

Listen to Paul Simon's “there must be fifty ways to leave your lover”
50 Ways To Leave Your Lover

The problem is all inside your head
She said to me
The answer is easy if you
Take it logically
I’d like to help you in your struggle
To be free
There must be fifty ways
To leave your lover
She said it’s really not my habit
To intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning
Won’t be lost or misconstrued
But I’ll repeat myself
At the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways
To leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover
CHORUS:
You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
She said it grieves me so
To see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do
To make you smile again
I said I appreciate that
And would you please explain
About the fifty ways
She said why don’t we both
Just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning
You’ll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me
And I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways
To leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover
CHORUS

Answer 11

Say what you feel. He will expect no more and no less of you. If he truly cares about you, he will understand. It will be hard to be "just friends" but do what you have to do to make yourself happy. Just remember, you won't live forever and everything you do comes back 3 fold. After you break it off, you may realize you did want to spend your life with him and he might not take you back... bloody knee's is what you get... travel the road of less confidence...