Another question about my 11 year old?

Question

In school he is an extremly smart student honor roll grades and I couldnt be more proud; however, when in school he is more into the drama with his friends and likes to bully certain students around and throws temper tantrums when he is told to do something at school and when I punish him he cries like alittle girl, Now he is ADHD and he was taking off the medicine over the summer, I had him in daycare through his school and he was very good they had no problems with him at all, Now that hes back in the classroom he decided not to follow rules and run with the crowd. I am a single mother and his father is out of our lives, he was abusive and a bad alcohalic and cant stay out of jail!! my son I feel deserved a better life so I got him out of it along with myself and his baby brother, I am with a man whom Ive been involved with for 4 years and he loves my kids to death and is wonderful with them. What can I do to get my kid on the right track?

Even when I did have him on the medication he still showed aggression and picked on kids. How do I get it through to him when you mess up in school there has to be punishment like taking vdeo games away ect. He dosent understand cause and effect because you did something wrong the affect will be punishment?

Answer 1

very difficult to answer in relation to your son... but I can tell you this, you need to get some sort of help somewhere.-...and Idon't want to be stereotypical and say see your doc... as I'm sure you woudl if you thought it would help.

Maybe it needs time to allow your son to develop his own frame of mind and attitude toward dealing wtih this problem HE is facing.

Maybe he needs encouragement to deal with the most important time in his life as now he is going to experience puberty for a certain number of years.

It's tough no matter what sort of disorder or illness you have, boy or girl. But in your son's case he is facing an uphill battle and no matter how much your current partner loves him, he is not his dad ( i never knew mine either still don't either). this can make the son think about a lot of things, and perosnally I know that it takes time to deal with this and overcome your demons lurking in hte back of the mind. but he has got to be allowed to grow... retraint and control is good, but it can also be modelled a different way and structured to give him a sense that you are allowing him to grow, make his own decisions, guiding him...

I'm not saying let him run riot, but I am saying that we all needed to grow up and we all needed discipline, but we also needed a lot of space in our teens... give him freedom to express him self, but perhaps in a different environment.

I do'nt read anything about sports, or drama... who knows, gettign him involved in theatre might give him a platform to express himself and have his little outbursts in a controlled environment where everyone understands it's all an act.... as mostly that's waht all teenage boys do.. .put on a huge act to impress and feel empowered...

Also, something you could do is get him involved in support groups where yougner boys nad girls with ADHD need guidance and help, and maybe he can be there sponsor and mentor in how to deal with thigns he learned as their age...

Just a thought... you can always try, if it doesn't work... at least you did somethign to improve his situation and it's up to him, never forget that... just coz we are parents doesn't mean we are responsible for all our children's actions and at some point they need to realise that we are not them and they make their own minds up to do the things they do, yet it's us that face the consequences until we place responsibility with them for the clean up.

Keep you in our thoughts... :)

Answer 2

here we go- I have a similar situation. They are not bullies, but i have 9 year old twin boys with ADHD. Yeah, that's a fun one. Same deal where they don't seem to correlate punishment with their behavior.
Sometimes it does work so i think it's selective amnesia. You know you have seen flashes of brilliance so i think they know more than they let on. I bet some of it has to do with boredom because they have accelerated minds.
You must provide consistent structured atmosphere in order to keep them occupied. This will help him at least be diverted from the outbursts. Get with him and the principal and lay down the law. Tell him in this grade the rules have changed. Warn him up fron along with the backing of your principal. Be prepared to punish. If necessary make him sign a contract spelling out the consequences. He won't get it at first, but with consistency one day it will click. You also must have your boyfriend applie the same extent of parenting that you do or it will backfire.
Also consider changing schools if the pattern has become relational towards certain students.
Now my question is, how did you know it was the right time to take him off the medicine? Or did you only do that for the summer?

Answer 3

Personnaly, I'm not for putting kids on meds. Boys are active creatures. Sometimes a little high strung. If he did well through the summer off meds, the meds might be part of the problem. Give a call to the school councilor and see what programs the school has for mediation and social skills.

If the problem is he's falling in with the wrong crowd, get him involved in activities outside of school that enforce your values. Expand his horizons with martial arts, dance or other sports.

Sounds more to me that as an honor roll student, he may just be really bored with the curriculum. Get some information about enrolling him in a school or program that will challenge his mind, maybe even tutoring children younger than himself.

When it comes to behavior and consequences, sit down with him and go over the things you consider to be out of bounds. Set the consequences with his input and keep them realistic, then stick to your guns.

Most important, don't worry about too many of the little things. Don't do that, don't do this about everything is the fastest way to get tuned out.

Answer 4

Was he ever exposed to his father at a younger age? Your son might have something bothering him that's hidden down below his reaches. Try to talk to him and uderstand why he picks on people. Maybe he was made fun of for being so smart, so he decided to be a tough kid. Also, ADHD medicine doesn't do much, it tends to make kids drowsy and down just to keep their energy from getting out of control. Kids will feel a lot more natural and happy when off the medication. Try involving your kid in after school activites or sports maybe? So he can stay focused and occupied. That way his mind won't wander as much and he won't be bored to go do other things - like beating people up, getting aggresive, etc.

Answer 5

My two step children were diagnosed with ADHD. One we took off medication because it simply continued to make him sick and we saw no difference. We did however try several different kinds. The other child we found it is unfortunatly necessary to keep him on medication. The schools began to refuse to allow the younger one in class without a worker with him. My other who isn't on meds, does ok in school, but has begun to have problems with his attitude towards the teachers. The teachers do report the issues back to us. The best thing we have found was time outs and removal of video games or tv.
I did read your previous question. I would have to say I think you made the correct decision about his father, however, how old was your son when this happened? Was he abused by his father?
I ask this because my 2 boys still have to deal with their mother who is abusive despite efforts to fix the situation. Their therapist has actually found that they are having many of their issues because of this. I have come to believe that a child coping with ADHD needs an outlet. Your son seems to have found the wrong outlet for his problems. As hard as it may be to face the facts, even a child his age can have some deeper issues.
The man you are involved with may be willing to take a bigger hand, but coming in as a step-parent is even more difficult. If he is going to be around as a parent, it is even more important that you back eachother up, and present your son with a united front.
You might look into getting some help for your child. The same place that put him on the medication is the same place to go for other services. They are usually good to work with to get your son some help, and it sounds like you would like to avoid using medication, which there is nothing wrong with that option, but you want to make that clear to the people you take your son to.
One of the things on the sidelines you might think about as well is what your son is eating. Sugars of any kind can facilitate this problem, junk foods, etc.
It's a long road, but the fact that he is an honor student says a lot for your son as well.
School is such a difficult place to be in, and his age could be a factor. It could become increasingly difficult as he gets older.
The fact is, you have an alternative learning child, you need to find an alternative way to dealing with the problem. Try different things, but never let the issue go. If you let go, they take flight with it and run. One of the biggest things with ADHD, it takes repetitive measures to get your point accross. But stay constant and never give up, and it WILL pay off.
I hope you get it figured out.
Best wishes.

Answer 6

He wants attention and is obviously getting it. Try not making it a big scene - like you said, he likes the drama. Just sit him down and thoroughly explain to him the situation, the consequences, and what you expect this school year. Then, when he gets in trouble, just say "we talked about this, do you understand that you will get X punishment?" then give him a very poignant punishment. It seems like his friends are very important, so keeping him from his friends may get through to him.

I'm sure you've basically tried this, but maybe you could be less emotional or more hard-*** authoritative. It's hard, but it will be important to get this behavior worked out before he becomes a teenager. That's all I can really tell ya.

Answer 7

Consider taking him to a counselor, he needs to learn to deal with how he is feeling instead of picking on other kids. The school should have one on site or can recommend one. Also he may need some help adjusting to deing off the meds, consult his doctor too, see if he has any suggestion. Also see what you can do about spending some quality time with just him doing things he likes, it might just be what you both need to open the lines of communication. Hope things get better soon.

Answer 8

This may seem a bit cruel, but it might to the trick. Tell him that it has been proven that children who bullie in their school years are very likely to end up in jail. Ask him if he wants to end up like his father, because thats what will probably happen if he keeps up this behavior. No one should be bullied because you don't like something about him, just don't hang out near him if it anoys you so much. YOu should also tell him that he can't throw tantrums, it makes him look like a 3 year old, he needs to control his anger if he wants people to really respect him. And if he can't control his anger, then he deservesed to be punished because you don't want him ending up like his father, you only want the best for him.

Answer 9

We as mothers use our emotions and long speaches to try and control our boys. This common mistake quickly causes a boy to disconnect from us and we have even less control. When a boy is resistant or uncooperative in response to his mother's request or command, she must be prepared to face his tantrum and issue punishment. If she simply gives up or waits for dad or step-dad to come home, she gives up control.

Answer 10

Every school has counselors, take to them and have your son talk to them, they are trained to get to the bottom of the under line problem.