Does it hurt to wait and have baby at 29 years old?

Question

I'm 26 & hubby is 31. He just told me last night we need to wait about 2 more years before we try to conceive (after he told me & both our parents last month that we would try this coming March). I started getting excited & so have our parents. The reason he wants to wait is because we are on a major savings plan for a house. He wants to put down a 40% down payment so our payment will be low on a big house. We've been renting a 2 BR apartment that is very small for 4 yrs. It devastated me last night when he said this and I cried a lot. He said that if I force him to get a house & have the baby instead of doing this plan he might regret this & he says I'm not willing to sacrifice & that I'm being selfish. He said he was ready for a house & a baby but wants to continue with this savings plan because it would be better for our future. I am really wanting a baby soon but I guess I'll have to wait! It's hard visiting friends that have houses & kids knowing we have to wait 2 years!!

We are financially stable now. We have $40,000 saved & between the both of us we make $94,000 a year.

Answer 1

I do think you are being a bit selfish...but I also know the desire to have a baby and having to wait because my husband wasn't ready...so I understand your side. I also know that when your clock is ticking and you want a child so badly that nothing else matters...which is not the best approach for everone involved.

Stay with me here...

It sounds to me like your husband is a very wise man. I say this because as an outsider of this situation and from what you've told me I can see that he has an amazing grasp on responsibility. It appears to me that he wants to do things right. It seems he understands that babies cost a lot of money...so waiting now and saving for the house will prepare you both financially to be able to care for a baby in the future. I think he knows that if you have a baby now that it will be tough...you'll be living in a small place...and probably won't be able to afford a house until much later. It looks like he wants the best for you and for his future family...sometimes men just can't really express in words that we understand what their true intentions are.

My life is an example to the very thing you are going through. When I got married I was 25. I wanted to have a baby shortly after I got married...but my husband wasn't ready. See....we didn't have any insurance...and as soon as we had insurance we started ttc. But God had other plans...and made us wait until we were in a house and JUST at the right moment He gave us our son (I was 28). He was born 7 weeks premature and we needed the insurance. My husband was wise...and God knew that we would be better equipped if we waited. The cool thing is that we had a ppo insurance (if you don't know...that is a good insurance)...and shortly after my son came home from the hospital and finally got off oxygen and apnea monitor my husbands employer changed the insurance to an hmo (not so great insurance). God planned it out so perfectly...I couldn't have done it that way myself.

I know it's hard to trust anyone but yourself...i was so selfish....I would always tell my husband that I didn't care if we were poor...I just wanted a baby. How selfish of me!! I wasn't thinking about the baby...just me...and my feelings.

Just know that there is someone out there that can definitely sympathize with you and what you're dealing with right now...but also know that I am someone that has reached the light at the end of the tunnell.

I'm glad I watited!

Answer 2

I really feel for you. In a situation like this, there really isn't a middle ground, is there? Just a word of caution, beware the husband who thinks its better to put away huge amounts of money and puts off starting a family because of it.

No one knows what the future holds and I've had friends who postponed children waiting for a 'better' time only to end up spending a fortune on fertility treatments. Also friends who's husband said let's put it off for x amount of time, then dropped the bombshell of 'our life is so perfect the way it is, why add the trouble of children?' And, there these women were left at age 35 or more, still wanting children and time wasted on false hopes.

There's no such thing as the right time to start a family aside from waiting until the parents are both adults. If he puts it off now because of the house, maybe he'll put it off again until he gets enough to pay cash for that sports car or SUV.

You've got a grace period of trying to become pregnant (doesn't always happen on the first try) and the 40 weeks before baby is born. That can be a whole year between trying to conceive and birth. If you have good medical insurance and work in a place where you can get paid maternity leave, then IMO, there's no reason to wait.

Take a look at your relationship. I don't think you're being selfish. He needs to look in the mirror for selfishness.

P.S. I read your last question concerning this. He sounds like he's got issues to me. If this is the biggest or only disagreement between you, you really need to seek out some relationship help. A good place to start will be through whatever religious center you belong to.

Answer 3

The older a woman gets, the more risks there are when having a baby. 29 really isn't that much older, though.
Your husband sounds a bit controlling, and it really does sound like he is being the selfish one. Being financially stable is a huge bonus, most people really aren't when they start having kids. For your husband to continue putting it off is suggesting that he really isn't that interested in having children, and he is not taking your feelings or any other risks into consideration.
You need to sit down and get accross to him YOUR feelings on the matter. Having a child is not going to stop his plans, it may delay them, but not by as much as he is thinking. It may not be that long to him, but the fact of the matter is, the older you both get, it can take longer to concieve, if you are on birth control medication, it takes time for the medication to wear off and your body to return to normal, not to mention the 9 months that you would be pregnant. Even if it all happened within the next year, that would only be a year off from his goal, in which relatively speaking here, that just isn't enough time to be whining about. The first year is pretty much the easiest lol. (I have 3 kids now and one on the way, 1is 8, 1 is 7, 1 is a year, trust me, the younger the easier).
Try a little compromise, give it 6 or 8 months before you start trying anything, and see what happens after that. But if you don't communicate with your husband on how you feel about this, then it's going to cause deep seated issues later on, and could become a huge bone of contention between the two of you that cannot be resolved. It sounds drastic, but when it comes to the matter of children, or any other type of life changing decision, it's true.
A two bedroom is big enough, but besides that, the baby shouldn't be kept apart from you for the first few months anyway. You will want the baby as close to you as possible in the beginning.
Men tend to have a black and white view of things, and women add the color lol.
Really try to get your husband to sit down and listen to how you feel before you let this get too out of hand.
Best of wishes to you both!

Answer 4

People having babies at just about every age. The thing is if your husband keeps waiting for you to be in the perfect position to have a baby, it will never happen. Various financial situations occur all the time. Maybe you can find a better deal on a big house. Lots of people are trying to sell houses right now, so you can get a lot more for less. I don't think you are being selfish. I think it is more likely he thought he was ready to have a baby and now he is having second thoughts. My brother and sister-in-law are going through something like this. She wants a baby, my brother is afraid it will take away ALL his freedom, etc...

Answer 5

No! There is NOTHING wrong with waiting!
The best time to have kids is after 30 when you are 100% grown up. During your 20's, people are still immature when it comes to many things and still learn new things day by day. Once you reach 30, everything changes and you feel a sudden want and need to have kids as opposed to not being sure whether you should have them or not. 30+ is the best time to have them at and be truly ready. But try to have them before 36-40. It'll get harder afterwards, and you DO want to be alive to see your grandchildren, right?
So if you want more kids, maybe your husband is right, wait until 29, and then have your second maybe a year later.
But don't stress yourself and your body out.

Answer 6

I don't know why but it seems to be thing that guys do. They want every thing perfect before concieving a child. I think it is b/c they see themselves as providers. Well, maybe you can compromise with him. It only fair both of you give a litte. Anyhow, the question you asked..... In most cases it is okay for a woman to wait. I had my last child when I was 39 and she is beauitiful and perfect! However it is true that the risk of certain defects increase with age. They consider any age over 35 advanced maternal age. 29 is stil pretty young. How many kids do you want to have? You might consider talking to your hubby about having kids late in life too. I mean my husband and I will be in our mid to late 50's when our younges children graduate. We will be barely retiring and we still have kids at home! LOL. So this is the logic you could use!

Answer 7

The longer you wait the harder it will be to concieve and two yrs might turn into 5 yrs then 6 yrs then 8 yrs like my husband did to me for he wanted "more" material things. Just for the fact that your husband is 31 already his sperm count will drop dramatically every year. When we did try it took over two yrs to conceive and I would not want to put that on anyone the roller coaster of every month hoping you are pregnant. "A precious life" is alot more than "material things". We regret now waiting as we have one son who is 4 and have not been able to get pregnant again yet. Dont wait too long! Been there done that! Good Luck!

Answer 8

29 is still young and two years isn't long. You will not regret getting that house first but you may be able to compromise on that down payment. How close are you to that down payment? Can you talk him down to 30%? Just remember that RE prices are very high right now and the monthly payments can get ridiculous. If you have a chance to keep them low - great.
Good luck with the house and the family.

Answer 9

I can't believe he says YOU are being selfish. Pregnancy takes 9 months, so the whole two years before trying idea is way flawed. You should really sit down with him and explain that while you understand that he wants to go ahead with a savings plan, you have a big biological clock ticking too loudly in your ears. It's not any fair to you that he breaks his promise to start trying, and you end up being the only one sacrificing the thing you want most. Don't tell him exactly that, cuz he'll just get defensive again.

Answer 10

It doesn't hurt to wait at all, you are still plenty young. I know many people who have had children into late thirty's early forties.

As for the disagreement between you and your husband mention a middle ground and see if he is willing to wait 1 more year instead of 2. Remember though if you do wait two more years when he feels he is ready he will probably be a better father because he is ready. Men like to feel like they have a good secure place in life for their family before they start a family realize he wants to wait for you and your future children too and love him for that.

Good luck!