i just feel so worn down, what do i do?

Question

i have two sisters who have children and are both making a big mess of there lives right now, i seem to be trying to help them all the time.
They both have children and i have four of my own, all they seem to care about is themselves, one is about to put two of her children in care because they are hard work, but "keep" the other little girl who is easier! She is messed up and wants to party all the time she is on drugs too.
The other got married, and left her husband after only 3 months cos she was having an affair with his uncle(even before the wedding!).
I am always being asked to have the kids overnight, and i have to admit i am getting fed up now.

I love my neices and nephews but i cannot permanently babysit while they party, my sisters are always negative, foul- mouthed, and show respect and love for noone.
Our mum left for australia a few years ago and our dad died, so there is no one else to help.
I do love my sisters, but i just worry all the time.

I feel guilty if i say no though, and they dont really want to know when i offer them practical advice, it has gotten to the stage n ow, where i just dont want to be around this sort of atmosphere anymore

Answer 1

You and your children are really all that matters, at the end of the day.

As much as you love your neices and nephews, they aren't your responsibility. I'm not saying disappear from their lives altogether, but you're going to make yourself ill at this rate - and then you'll be no good to anyone.

In a way, you could say that, by being willing to help, you are enabling your sisters to behave in this way. Saying no might actually be the spur they need to sort their lives out.

Poor you - what a terrible situation.

Answer 2

I feel for you and your wanting to do the right thing, particularly for the children. There are a lot of issues here + probably more aspects to the goings on than the question space allows. I have had a lot of troubles myself lately + wonder between pleasing others, pleasing myself, guilt of what I am doing is right or not.

First thing is to still the thoughts that cris-cross in the head and ask what it is that you want for you. Once you are clear on that you can go forward step by step to achieving your goals. Bear in mind you have to look to what you want rather than how you want your sisters to be. It is very hard to control other persons behaviour. I have sisters who often seek advice at length + then do what they want to do anyway, so you feel the breathe was wasted.

It may be that you are happy to have the children but don't want the being taken for granted feeling of them being left with you as a regular thing. It is particuarly unfair if they are off partying whilst you are juggling all and probably getting very little rest and little thanks either

You must speak to your sisters and tell them that you can't offer this babysitting option to the same degree and as an ongoing and that maybe they should consider a creche. (Or maybe they can give you something as the creche would cost.) It might be that you don't mind to help 1 or 2 days a week, but not as an assumption that you'll always be there. You must stand up to them and point out their own duty to look after their own children and that you won't be taken for granted in this way.

It will no doubt take time to settle down but you can say your piece without it turning into a battle ground. Stay calm, stay focused, keep in mind what you want to do and go forward.

I am sure the weight of this is tiring you, I know how tiring mental trists are and working out stuffs with family. Make sure to get a walk to the park with the children to clear your head + get perspective. Have a relaxing bath whilst the children sleep. Know that you are an adult who can and will make choices to make your life better and it will. Good luck to you to sort all soon.

Answer 3

I feel for you. But unless your sisters are prepared to make the changes then there is nothing you can do. Maybe the kids will be better off in care? Your mother seems to have had the right idea. I know it is hard to turn your back on your neices and nephews, as non of this is their fault, but you must keep it together for your kids. could the children's fathers help out? there are a lot of fathers on this site who do nothing but talk about not having full access to their kids, so maybe these dads are the same and would love the opportunity to take over.
Whatever happens, I wish you all the best, but remember your life and children must come first.

Answer 4

Well I have no experience of family but the rule that has always worked for me is thus, "You can help people as much as you like as long as it isn't at the expense of your own health!". You may have to prioritise. You have your own offspring firstly you want to pay attention to and you don't want to be neglecting them whilst running around for everyone else and second if your sisters cannot even talk to you in a respectful appreciative way then why are you putting yourself out for them? It is only when you are not a doormat they will learn respect for what you do for them. Thirdly you cannot allow anyone bring you down.

However, you do have issues of worrying about their children and to be fair this is not their fault. A parent should be responsible. This world is about choice. You have to decide if they are in a vulnerable situation and whether you should instigate social services etc. You have to be prepared to fall out maybe, but at the end of the day you cannot let them ruin others lives. These children are probably not getting a great education, under emotional pressure themselves and if being threatened with care, being constantly rude to and neglected probably feel very unloved and one sister being allowed and the others not is a bad move. They probably would all be better off with someone they can look up to and will want them.

Then again though, whatever their situation you have to try to make them feel you are on their side, you respect and understand them and believe in them.

If they reject that and are abusive etc to you consistantly due to their upbringing and having to grow up quicker than they should, I feel you will have take more a backwards stand and let relevant authorities deal with it.

It can't be good for children having a drug-addicted mother. You need I think to deal with this situation, but more from a backstand. ie say you are not their mother - they are and they have to be more responsible and need to grow up or you contact people that will take the responsibility away from you. You are not going to destroy yourself because they are.

It may even be your mother moving away and their dad dying being part of it all. But never-the-less people need to be responsible and if they cannot be, you cannot run their lives for them. You've done well enough already.

You need to distance more and if becomes necessary get the right people involved.

Answer 5

Sounds like a difficult situation, it's the children that will pay the price of their Mothers actions, still as hard as it is you have a responsibility first to your own children and husband, they deserve to have a mom who isn't stressed out all the time and to not constantly be exposed to the negative actions of their aunts. The children need to be put in protective custody, if there are no other sane relatives on either side that can take them in without causing stress to their own families. And you need to tell your sisters that you don't want them around your children until they get their act cleaned up. You didn't create this mess and as much as you want to help, you may end up helping at the expense of your own family and health. It's a tough situation, whatever you decide, I wish you much luck.

Answer 6

You obviously care about the children. I know you feel run down, but since the children are with you most of the time anyway, why don't you just take them in and tell you sister to take a hike until she gets her life together for the children's sake?

I know it's hard, but how hard will it be on the children to be separated from the rest of their family because mum's an idiot? And how hard is it on them to see their mum this way.

It's not any easy decision to make, but they are lucky to have an aunt like you.

Email me if you want to talk more. Good luck.

Answer 7

your sisters need to grow up and whiles they have you to fall back on they won't. You have to be cruel to be kind in this case and say No More. the first sister at this moment needs to put all the kids in care for the sake of her kids, unless there is someone who can take on all three kids. Its not fair on the kids Its up to them to sort there life's out but children don't get a say. Help the kids and get them a better life.

Answer 8

Girl you gotta take a break. I would get some vitamin B and pack up my own kids and go visit mum in Austraila. Some people are so selfish they don't even notice the strain they put on you as long as they get what they want. You have to learn to say NO!!! Try it, look in the mirror and say NO..... Practice it and it will come easy.

Answer 9

It may seem hard but you have t step back and let them sort to out with out you, Tough love is the only way some times. Just make them relise how much you do for them by not doing it for a bit. Be strong! Let them know how much it takes out of you.

Answer 10

hi you really need to tell your sisters how you feel for your sake you have children of your own. If they are you to babysit again say no and see what happens don't give in to emotional blackmail cause they will use it. Take care try and sort this out family is family. lol