What is wrong with us that our childrent are growing up to hate us?

Question

Which parenting style can prevent my kid from turning into a terror, or worse yet, a brat, a drug addict, a slut or a miserable adult?

Answer 1

oh man, well i'm am a kid for the most part who raised himself, and i understand and view things very well. On that note displine is really important, you have to be the one with the power not the other way around. Also its important to give the right amount of attention, and the right kind, a kid starved for attention does really odd things and is usually unrully. From experience, my ex's little sister is 7 and doesn't really get any attention and never gets punished. All that happens is some one will say her name once loudly and that a far as it gets. She runs around yelling and screaming and is very rude. Pay attention, when kids are little they're mostly the same but as they grow and develope, they start to understand things and makes their own views thats when you have to adapt how you treat them. Example my big brother and i did really well on our own and so did my little brother until he could drive. That changed things because he never really did or experienced much so when he got around people he didn't know how to resist influence and didn't really discern between what was a good idea and bad idea. My mom never need to give much direction to me or my big brother, so she gets confused why my little brother is like this and its because he doesn't get any direction. Explain as much as possible and don't be afraid to talk to them, just make sure they understand why it should be a certain way.

Answer 2

Ok, what is your priority, that your kid doesnt hate you or that they arent a terror? You see, some people just come out as 'terrors' -- hyper and aggressive. If you want your child to love you, you need to love your child for who they are with their strenghts and weaknesses. Studies have shown that moms who have addressed their own personal issues have the strongest bonds with their kids. Becuase if you still have stuff about yourself you dont like but are in denial about, you will freak when your kids show those same tendencies. If you arent clear on who you are, and honest, your kids will learn that you are not genuine and they will resent that.

Terrors and brats is different . . . i guess i'm not as big on discipline as i should be, but my middle child has serious mental health issues, so its a hard line to walk.

Answer 3

Spend time with him. Don't ship him off to daycare from birth, work late every night and stop on the way home to get McDonald's, or enroll him in a bunch of extracirricular activities to "keep him out of trouble." While I think sports are a wonderful thing, your child should only play one if he WANTS to...he shouldn't be forced to do something that he truly dislikes just so you can have some free time and "keep him away from the bad crowd." Spending time with you should keep him out of trouble. In other words...make time for your child. Nobody should be SO busy that they leave for work at 6 a.m. and get home at 8 p.m.

Answer 4

Equal parts of love and discipline. Don't be afraid to talk to them about stuff that kids deal with; drugs, sex, violence, and be sure to introduce them to the concepts of justice, sympathy, and empathy. A little spiritual awareness never hurts either.

Answer 5

Parents who have control over their kids ( to a certain extent, not overboard) tend to have respectful kids. Parent who let their kids do whatever they want or talk anyway they want, for the most part, don't! only my opinion!

Answer 6

Be strict and serious. Punish him for very small things. Attend church and sunday school weekly.

Answer 7

You're doing your job. That's why they hate you. Congrats.

Answer 8

i dont know
i dont hate my parents

Answer 9

Constant love. Respect them. Trust them. Talk to them (not at them). LISTEN to them. Let them know you respect them and trust them. Give them their personal privacy (like knocking on their bedroom door before opening or entering).

Children need discipline, not punishment. If you give the proper discipline, punishment is not needed.

I am a mother of 5 children of my own and of two stepsons. This approach works great. I use the 'middle way' approach, I am not too leanient or too strict. I show my children that I love, respect, trust and honer them. And in return they show me the same. They very seldom get into 'trouble' and are happy & adjusted children and adult.

My husband & I took a parenting class that teaches 'the middle way' approach and I have seen great improvements in my children and in us as parents. Before our children were starting to get out of control, now we have a handle on them and they love and respect us more. There is no physical punishment involved, (ex. spanking). Find and take a parenting class, it is very fulfilling to see well-behaved and respectful children.

Discipline is defined as: Training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character. A rule or system of rules governing conduct or activity.

Punishment is defined as: The act of punishing. Suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution. A penalty inflicted on an offender through judicial procedure. Severe, rough, or disastrous treatment. Penalty imposed on another as a result of unwanted behavior.


Information on discipline:
Frustration, anger, and occasional acting-out are inevitable behaviors in every child. Whether you are a strict disciplinarian or more laid-back and easy-going, it is important to find a strategy of discipline that works for your family. The following guidelines may help you shape your approach.

1) Always consider your child's developmental level when setting limits. It is unfair to expect more than a child can do. For example, a 2 or 3 year old cannot control the impulse to touch things. Instead of instructing them not to touch, remove fragile objects from reach.

2) Set the punishment to your child's developmental level. If you send your toddler to the bedroom for more than 5 minutes, the child may totally forget the reason, due to a short attention span. See time out.

3) Be consistent. Do not change rules or punishments at random. Punishments will obviously change as the child gets older, so make sure you explain why the rules change.

4) Make sure all caregivers are consistent with the discipline strategy. If one caregiver accepts certain behaviors while another will punish for the same behavior, the child is likely to become confused. Eventually, the toddler may learn to play one adult against the other.

5) Remember that you are a key role model for your child. The more even-handed and controlled your behavior is, the more likely your children will pattern their behavior after yours. If you spank or hit, you are showing them that it is acceptable to solve problems with violence.

TANTRUMS

Allow your children to express their feelings, but at the same time, try and help them to channel anger and frustration away from violent or aggressive behavior. Here are some suggestions on dealing with temper tantrums:

When you see the child starting to get worked-up, try to divert attention to a new activity.
If you can not distract your child, ignore the child. Every time you react to an outburst, you reward the negative behavior with extra attention. Scolding, punishing, even trying to reason with the child may encourage the toddler to act up more.
If you are in public, simply remove the child without discussion or fuss. Wait until the child calms down before resuming your activities.
If the tantrum involves hitting, biting, or other harmful behavior, do not ignore it. However, do not overreact. Instead, tell the child immediately and clearly that the behavior will not be tolerated. Move the child away for a few minutes.

Remember that a child cannot understand complicated explanations, so do not attempt to reason. Give the punishment right then and there. If you wait too long the child will not connect the punishment with the behavior.

Punishment is often used as a synonym for discipline, but the two are not interchangeable. Discipline is a system of actions or interactions intended to create orderly behavior. Some disciplinary systems use punishment as a tool. Therefore, discipline does not always involve punishment, but punishment is sometimes a method of discipline. However, it is the child's interpretation of the punishment that is critical.

Punishment can be either physical or nonphysical. Behavior modification techniques, such as "logical consequences" or "time-out," use rewards and nonphysical punishments to control behavior. Behavior modification is sometimes distinguished from punishment with the claim that it is "corrective" rather than "retaliatory, " but any time a penalty is imposed because of unwanted behavior, it is punitive. Physical punishments are used frequently in Western society, as well as elsewhere, despite controversy over their effects. Numerous studies have shown that using physical force to control behavior can lead to more resistance and aggression on the part of the child. However, many parents, teachers, psychologists, religious leaders, and others still believe that there is a place for physical punishment in effective discipline.


Most current promoters of punitive discipline in the United States, however, espouse nonviolent forms of control, or "mild" punishments, such as time-out, scolding and disapproval, natural and logical consequences, and penalties (restricting television viewing, for example).

Time-out is a behavior modification technique that has become quite popular in recent years. Used mostly on children between the ages of 2 and 12, it attempts to stop unwanted behavior by removing the child from all stimulation and attention. A certain room or chair is designated as the "time-out" place, and a child is ordered or carried there whenever he or she engages in a particular unwanted behavior. Time-out can be effective in modifying disruptive behaviors, like hitting, grabbing, talking back, or tantrums. Proponents of behavior modification claim that the child learns quickly to control his or her own behavior so as to avoid time-out. Detractors of punitive discipline argue that external controls do little to change internal motivations or attitudes. Children simply learn to resist or evade external controls.

Another technique of behavior modification involves "logical consequences. " Children often learn not to behave in certain ways through the natural consequences of their actions, such as getting burned when touching a hot stove. Parents and adult caregivers extend that form of learning by arranging consequences to children's actions. To be effective, these arranged consequences must be logically related to the action. For example, if a child does not complete his or her task of washing the dishes one night, the next night he or she must wash double the amount of dishes. Sometimes, natural consequences are too dangerous, so a parent arranges logical consequences instead. A child who rides her or his tricycle into the street cannot be allowed to be hit by a car (natural consequences), so instead the parent takes the tricycle away from the child for a week (logical consequences).

Behavior modification systems of discipline that use "mild" punishments suffer from a serious contradiction, however. Studies have clearly shown that in order for punishment to be effective it must happen immediately after the behavior, be severe, and occur every time the behavior occurs. Nonviolent punitive systems of discipline, on the other hand, recommend that parents not punish a child in anger (meaning parents must wait until their emotions cool down), and that the punishment be mild. This recommendation negates the first two requirements of effective punishment. The third requirement is impossible to fulfill, as parents are not constantly present with their children to witness every occurrence of the unwanted behavior.

Americans believe that severe physical punishment defeats its own purpose by modeling aggressive or physical behavior, the very behavior it is often attempting to correct. Studies have shown that violent punishment can produce aggression, anxiety, fear, paranoia, apathy, hatred, depression, delinquency, and self-destructive behaviors. Adults who were punished violently as children display an increased likelihood of criminal activity, domestic violence, and suicide.