Over bearing parents driving me out of my mind!! No children playing 2 point haha answers please?

Question

Only 1000 characters to work with? Well shoot! Short version..i have 2 kids with my husband of 6 years. My parents rental home was up for grabs so we took it due to being in a black hole of finances. They keep treating us like children, more I then he (they are my parents) & every time I try and explain that thats how im feeling-they come up with some arguement to make me/us feel like **** for not respecting them, which is so far from the truth it sickens me. Few times it's been " we wont baby sit unlless the house is clean, or the lawn is mowed". What am I 13? (im 26) I understand totally their position in our lives, but as adults with one another, there has GOT to be some dang comprimise and understanding! A new issue has come up, that because they undermine my parenting while at their house, my kids see it as gamma and grampa dont have to listen to mommy and daddy so why do we? When we approached the issue, they were so offended, and wont talk to us now. (continue to "details")

My question is that how can I get my parents to see us as adults. We aren't stupid, we are doing great for supporting our home from them, and taking great care of it. There's nothing we can do to have them see us as good normal hard working/parenting people. They are a bit of perfectionists with how they run things due to them being very sucessful in their lives, and I think that they try and push that into us. We've followed as best we can for our own sucess, but everything is just getting out hand!!

Not sure if any of you that poasted already will read this, but so much wonderful words. THank you. For some ?'s answered, yes we pay rent, 500 a month.( which isnt bad) All the talks those have recommended have taken place, just seems to get me no where than a deeper hole. As far as moving out goes, we have great great plans to, and even have a location. However.. my parents ( get this ) have made it apparently clear that they aren't comfertable with us saving ANY money for ourselves until the debts are paid off. We are lucky to scrape off 150 for groceries, and with 2 growing children that makes things a little tight. Everything has been paid of except for my husbands dental bill of 13,000 (thank you drunk driver!!), we have ae sad 6 grand to go. That + my "u cant save" parents, makes it pretty defeating when it comes to what we've got in hidden savings. Oy.. thank you all again, now to find a "best answer" LOL. I wonder if there's a way to give all of you one!

Answer 1

Well you can move out to your own pad.
Or...
You can cut the grass and have them babysit
Or...
You can refuse to let them babysit and watch your grass grow.


The choice is yours

Answer 2

Ma'am, since you quoted perfectionists, I must say they are just that, and I believe that they wait until you do something wrong just so that they can say, "I told you so!!!" and throw it back up in your face. The greatest thing is letting go of the fact that your parents will change whatever behavior that upsets you so. Usually people will never change past the age of 16 and if they do it is nothing short of a miracle. Your parents think that they world works the same way that it did when they were young, and you will never find grace in their eyes. Letting go is a beautiful thing, and if you find that their presence, (We won't come over to babysit unless the house is clean and the lawn mowed stuff) is the same when you are doing the best that you can, cut your ties, love your parents no matter how hard that they are, and do your best for your children and husband. There is a time where you will cleave unto your husband and be as one and that is where you need to quit trying to grasp something that was never attainable in your parent's eyes to begin with. There will be no compromise, there will be no understanding. Pray that God will help you through this endevour ( I know that you have been praying and have cried a many night wanting relief!) Believe me, I have the same thing with my sister. I do the best that I can do, I love her, and I go on knowing that my slate is clean. I will not regret anything because I have been all that I can be, maybe you should try to do the same, because you have been trying so hard to show your parents that you are worthy, that you are an adult, and if they can't see you for the beautiful soul of a daughter that you are, that is their loss as parents for failing to see the light in you. Don't worry, God will take care. He knows what you want. Just give your worries to him, and things will come about. I know that probably sounds so old, but it is the truest thing that I know in this world. That and my husband.

I hope that I have helped you...

Answer 3

Wow...

Well, your parents, sadly, will always try to "parent" you. The whole thing seems pretty messed up, and for your own sanity, I would start looking for a new place to live. Having them be your parents and your landlords is just too much like being back in the cradle for this to work well.

They do have a right to expect something in return for babysitting the kids though. After all, nobody else would do it for free... and while you would HOPE they could not be so crass as to make a specific demand, you should provide them with some compensation for tending, feeding, and caring for the kids. it's a lot of time and money after all.

But they CANNOT be allowed to undermine your authority as a parent. If your children won't listen to you, they won't listen to anyone. Certainly, it's the grandparent's job to "spoil" children and all... but you have to be able to discipline the children, and you should not have to argue or be ignored in front of the children.

As a slight bit of damage control, should your children ask why your parents don't have to listen to you, try to make it a lesson in how even now, you still respect your parents.

Rough times... but then again, I'm pretty well screwed the same way, just without the kids.

Answer 4

Sounds like you're in a predicament. My first question is, are you paying rent at their rental house? If you are not, then I can kind of understand some of their position about we won't babysit unless the house is clean or the lawn is mowed. If you have tried bringing up this situation and they are still doing this, especially undermining you as a parent, I would move out if I were you. It's just going to make things harder on you in the long run. If you do this, it just might salvage the relationship to some degree. After that, set down some definite ground rules regarding your kids.

Answer 5

Sounds like you need to get outta there. The problem is that they aren't going to see you as adults until your actions say that your adults. Your living in their rental because your bills are out of control. There's 2 big negatives in their eyes (probably because they are perfectionists & also because they want better for you). As long as you live there, they are going to feel it's their job to 'push' you out so that you better your life. Your also not going to resolve your parenting issues with them & your kids. Your best bet would be to move somewhere 2 hrs or more away. This way, you guys can start over without them meddleing, but are close enough that it's not hard to get together once in a while. Get yourself out of debt and on your own feet & they will have nothing to complain about.

Answer 6

Tough one!.... if it was me I would invite them both somewhere neutral for a coffee and a chat.... make sure they know you want to address something and basically id say almost what you wrote in your question, something like..

Ok mom,,,dad... please dont get offended with what I want to say to you if we can't talk as adults here then its a bit of a bad job.... I love you both very much and respect you much more than you know but the problem is I feel like you look upon me as though im still a young child and I'm not I'm not a little girl anymore I'm a parent too just like you!..........Im not trying to tell you what to do, I'm asking.... that you try to see things from my point of view, when you undermine my skills as a parent when I visit you the kids see that and kids are not stupid they latch on to things... you know how smart they are!
Also I feel bad when you say you wont look after them unless this or that.... shouldnt you just want to watch then just because they are your grandchildren?.....
I really dont want to fall out with you or lose your friendship for even a minute more because I do need you in my life and so do the kids.... but another good word for family could be.... Team!.... so we all have to act like one and show the kids that we are all united and a solid family unit all kicking the same way....

So hope you get this one sorted out... theres nothing more important than a family.... we dont always get along.... but deep down theres always love

Answer 7

They still not talking to you? I guess you scored a point there. Let them simmer for a while. Maybe they will get the idea that their meddling is causing problems. I would really look into finding a different babysitter. At this time you guys depent on them a little too much. They are in power, and will take advantage of that. Are you guys paying rent? My Mom called a whole family meeting just because I asked her to babysit. I never asked her again. She also offered to rent a house to us because it was bigger than the one we were buying. Yeah right! That offer was ignored.You guys need to become self sufficent . I know moving out might be hard right now. Go to credit counseling to see if those guys have some advice to get out of the black hole faster. Leave some of those Real estate magazines laying around. My Mom eventually backed of a little, but that was after she tried to cause trouble in my marriage hoping I would come running to her. I gave her a call and told her straight up she either backs off or I wouldn't talk to her again. But by that time I was a pro in that power struggle game of ours. She was mad, but got over it. You need to learn to avoid and play when needed. I know it is very frustrating for you. My husband wondered a lot of times why I was still talking to her. That struggle went on with it's ups and downs till she passed awayI took care of her, and it wasn't easy. But I can look into the mirror and say I did the right thing. It will get a little easier if you stand up to them, but be prepared of some consequences. After all they're the parents and that will never change for them. Good luck!

Answer 8

The only help I can give is to sympathize with you. It seems as if your parents really want to take over. The only advice I have (and about the only thing you can control) is to make it VERY CLEAR to your children that you and your husband are in change and there will be consequences for not complying with your wishes. This is very important as you cannot let your parents undermine your authority with your kids.

I hope things improve soon. You may just have to "put up" with your parents until you are better of financially.

Good luck to you and your family.

Answer 9

Im a little overbearing myself, well maybe a lot, but why don`t you find someone else to babysit, so they can`t use that against you again, Its hard being a parent, grandparents want their grandkids to have the best possable life, and your parents know the mistkes they made, and try to help you not to make the same mistakes. try to deside on whats way to much, and then compromise on somethings, so they feel like they are helping you, but tell them the things you feel strong about , and let them know you will not let them interfear in those things. And when you talk to them about it, tell them you need to talk to them about some things that are VERY important to you, tell them they raised you to be the adult you are today, and to please stop treating you like a child, and let you prove to them , that they did a great job, and to give you the chance to do the same for your own kids.

Answer 10

I'm sorry but you can't teach old folk new ways. Your parents are set in their ways and that way seems to be controlling. So what I would do is work my way to save money and move out of their space/house. You have moved into their world and yet you don't like how they are. Something has to change and most likely it will have to be your decision to live in their house. Oh...and it's really bad when people interfere with your children. So I think you should get a move on ASAP.

Answer 11

You know what? Get the hell out of there!!!!! Sounds like everything comes with a price tag with your parants. I don't want to seem like I'm downing them badly but look at what your saying. Its something I would never tolerate for one second! It sounds like its time to move on and probably out of state if I were you two. Its going to destroy your marriage if you let this keep happening. You poor thing. Wow, you need to cut those ties that bind real fast or your going to kill one or the other sooner or later. And if you decide to leave and move far away, be prepared for the "Guilt Trip". Its going to be awful but once you have moved far away, their is not much they can do but rag on you every time you call. Its far better than ruining your marriage and life. Wow, that's just so awful!