Your funniest jokes?

Question

Please, no blonde, yo mamma, or any other jokes that may insult or offend others. If you get them from a website, please label the website as one of your sources, if you don't that is called "plagiarizing".

Thanks!

Answer 1

Life is full of emotions like laughing, smiling, crying, weeping, fear, hatred, jealousy and many more. Out of all these, laughing is loved and liked by all. That is why someone has rightly said, “ You laugh and the world will laugh with u, you weep and u shall weep alone.” Sometimes, life becomes monotonous and one starts getting bored. To remove such monotonousness and boredom, I feel that surfing on the following websites can be helpful in making one cheerful, refreshen up and gain some emotional or psychological energy too. Surf on them and see how helpful these are to u to bring a smile on ur face.
http://www.comedycentral.com/jokes/index.jhtml
http://www.ahajokes.com/
http://www.the-jokes.com/
http://www.lotsofjokes.com/
http://www.jokesgallery.com/
http://www.workjoke.com/projoke.htm
http://www.jokes2000.com/
http://yahooligans.yahoo.com/content/jokes/
http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/
http://www.kidsjokes.co.uk/
http://www.ahajokes.com/yo_mama_jokes.html
http://www.allfunnypages.com/funny-jokes/yo-mama-jokes/funny-yo-mama-jokes.htm
http://www.africanjokes.com/africanjokes/?id_category=98
http://www.blonde-jokes.info/
http://www.zelo.com/blonde/index.asp

Please visit the above pages to find different variety of jokes. I hope, it helps u in making u laugh. Enjoy and have fun..

Answer 2

A Doctor, An Engineer and a Lawyer were walking their dogs in the park. Immersed in conversation, the topic eventually led to who had the best-smartest dog. Being men of deep thinking, they devised a contest whereby to determine who had the best-smartest dog. They pointed to a cluster of chicken bones, that some littering fool had left under an oak tree. They agreed, whatever dog would build the most significant monument, out of the chicken bones would win and thereafter that dog would be known as the best-smartest dog!
The Doctor's dog was first. Doc says, "hey stethoscope, go fetch them bones". Stethoscope, a smart canine, went up to the bones and built a perfect model of the human anatomy. Michelangelo would have been proud. The Engineer and the Lawyer both said "wow, that's a smart dog". Then it was the Engineer's turn. He called his dog, "hey Calculator, go arrange those bones in an intricate manner". Calculator ran up to the bones and arranged them with his nose and built a perfect model of the Golden Gate Bridge (that's in San Francisco). Everyone was really amazed. Clearly Calculator was a superior dog. Now it was time for the Lawyer's dog. The lawyer called his dog, "hey bull$hit"...go do something with them bones. Well, ole bull$hit just circles around the bones. Then the ole dog just went up and fahqued the other two dogs. Upon seeing the magnificent accomplishment of his dog, the lawyer took the rest of the day off.

Answer 3

A fellow goes to a different bar to his usual hangout one night and is having a few drinks when he spots a jar of $1 coins on the sideboard behind the bar. The barman would have people approach him, give him $1 which he would put in the jar whereupon they would whisper something in his ear. After a few seconds he would then shake his head from side to side and they would walk off looking rather despondent.

This went on for about an hour before curiousity got the better of the fellow. He called the barman over and said to him "Excuse me, but I've got to ask what is the story with all these people going up to you giving you $1 which you put in a jar before they whisper something in your ear." The barman cheerfully responds that it is actually a competition where for $1 people can take a guess at how many coins there is in the jar and, should they guess the correct number they win the contents of the jar.

With his immediate curiousity now satisfied the fellow goes on drinking but cannot resist the urge to try and guess the number of coins in the jar. Eventually temptation gets the better of him and he approaches the barman, gives him $1 and whispers in his ear $225.

Instead of shaking his head the barman goes off and checks his running tally sheet and confirms that there was indeed 225 $1 coins in the jar. He congratulates the fellow and hands him the jar. The fellow's celebrations continue on until closing time by which time he was in an advanced stage of inebriation.

Since the fellow lived nearby he collected up the jar and decided to walk home. He was doing fine until he reached the front steps of his house where he misplaced his footing and fell onto the step. The jar smashed and his coins went everywhere but he was in no fit state to pick them all up so he thought he'd just leave them and pick them up in the morning and he then made his way inside to his bed.

The next morning he was awoken by his very excited wife who said "You'll never guess what I just found on the front steps?". The fellows hazy memory of the previous night quickly cleared as he sat up in bed. Being a bit of a showoff he confidently replied "I think you found 225 $1 coins". His wife gave him the sort of look only a wife could give and responded "No stupid, 149 bottles of milk"


Apologies to all those under 50 that can't remember the good old days when people were able to leave money out for the milkman and have fresh bottled milk delivered overnight.

Answer 4

Why is it a nasty theory to play UNO with mexicans? because they're going to continually scouse borrow your eco-friendly-playing cards. A Mexican and a Blackman are in a vehicle. who's driving? A cop what's the version between a blackman and a bench? A bench can help a relations of four Why dosn't Mexico have an Olympic crew? because each and every man or woman that may run, bounce and swim is already right here.

Answer 5

How many of Bush's White House Press Staff members does it take to change a light bulb?

They don't change light bulbs. It's their job to keep everyone in the dark.
- - - - -
Drunk says to the bartender "Hey, you got change for an 18 dollar bill?
Bartender says "Sure, pal, would you like a couple of 9s or do you want that all in 3s?
- - - - -
Cold Winters

I heard once about a Norwegian feller named Ole who lived way up there in northern Minnesota, somewhere real close to the Wisconsin border, I guess. After years and years of farming, he decided to put the farm up for sale. He called a realtor in town, who told him he would come out to the farm to help set a price and fill out all the paperwork. When Ole met with the realtor, among the many details to take care of, the realtor told Ole "we'll need to get a survey of the farm" and when everything is ready, I'll be back for some final paperwork. When the time came, the realtor guy called up Ole to set up a time to visit and get that last paperwork stuff all done. As they were chatting on the phone, the realtor happened to mention the survey and said to Ole, "You know, something funny happened here, when the survey and the legal description came back, it said that you actually live in Wisconsin. Hah, and to think that all this time we thought your property was in Minnesota. Don't that just beat all?", to which Ole replied "Really? Vell, I tink maybe I von't sell da farm after all, ya know. It vas dose doggone cold Minnesota vinters I vas trying to get avay from."
- - - - -
Two nice little old ladies are driviing down the road toward town and come to a stop sign. Instead of stopping, they sail right throught he intersection and almost get hit broadside. The passenger, Mabel, is a little shaken, looks at the driver and shudders a bit but doesn't sat anything to her. A mile later, they swerve around a sharp curve at full speed and almost end up in a ditch and Mabel gives out shreik. "Did you say something, dearie?" the driver asks. At a railroad crossing ahead, there's a train approaching and they barely clear the tracks in front of a full speed train by inches. Mabel hollers out "For God's Sake, Ethel, are you trying to get us killed? Would you watch your driving?" Ethel answers "What, you mean I'm driving?"

Answer 6

I have not seen this one on the Internet, email, of websites, so here goes:
An old woman goes into a pet store, she is lonely and wants a pet as a companion.
The pet store salesman says, why not a parrot, it will talk and keep you company.
She bought it and brought it home. But it would not talk. She took it back and the salesman said, well did you get it a little mirror to look at himself, and then he will be happy and talk. So she bought the ladder, but it still would not talk.
She goes back and says, it still won't talk, so the salesman says, well did you get it a little ladder then he could go up the ladder to his mirror and be happy and then talk. So she buys the ladder, but it still would not talk. Finally the old woman goes back into the store, and the pet store salesman said, well, I bet he is talking now, isn't he. No, said the old woman, he is dead. Well, said the salesman, didn't he say anything before he died? Yes, she said, he said. "DON'T THEY HAVE ANY FOOD IN THAT STORE".

Answer 7

The Priest did not lie!
A lady was on a plane, arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest. She asked him, " Excuse me Father, could I ask you a favour? "
The priest replied, " Of course my child. What can I do for you ? "
I have a small problem and wonder whether you could help. I bought myself a new sophisticated women's hair remover gadget, for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the customs duty declaration limits. As I do not have enough money to pay duty, I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock (A black garment reaching down to the ankles; worn by priests or choristers) ? "
The priest replied, " Of course I could, my child. But, you must realize that being a priest, I can not lie ! "
The lady said, " You have such an honest face Father. I am sure they will not ask you any questions "
So, she gave him the ' Hair remover ' gadget, which the priest put under his cassock.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. The priest presented himself to one of the customs officers. He asked the priest, " Father, do you have anything to declare ? "
The priest replied truthfully, " Son . . . . from the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare "
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, " And from the sash down father, what do you have ?"
Again the priest replied truthfully, " Son . . . . I have there a marvellous little instrument destined for use by women, but . . . . Which has never been used ! "
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, " Go ahead Father. Next person please . . . . . !!! "

Answer 8

there was an priest, the president,a genius, and a boy on an plane that was about to crash but only three parachutes tha president said i should get the first parachute because I'm very important and then he jumped the the genius said i should also get one because im very smart an i need to invent more things to help make the world a better place to live so then he jumped then the priest said to the boy you can have the last parachute you are young go and live your life an be happy don't worry about me then the little boy said the both can have a parachute then the priest said i don't understand so the boy said the genius took my backpack.

Answer 9

A man met a beautiful woman at the gym. He walked up to her and ripped off his shirt. " Nice pecs " said the woman. The man responded, "That's a hundred pounds of dynamite, Baby." He then ripped off his pants. "Nice thighs" said the woman. The man responded again with, "That's a hundred pounds of dynamite, Baby." He then ripped off his underwear, and the woman ran out the door screaming. The man chased her down and asked what was wrong. The woman said, "I just wasn't sure I wanted to be around all that dynamite once I saw how short the fuse was.

Answer 10

Two things to know before you read below: Marines are taught 1) Keep your priorities in order and 2) Know when to act without hesitation.


A Marine was attending a college course between missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. The professor, an avowed atheist, shocked the class one day when he walked in, looked toward the ceiling, and said loudly, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."


The lecture room fell silent and the professor began his lecture. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God - still waiting."


It got down to the last minute when the Marine stood up, walked toward the professor and threw his best punch knocking him off the platform and out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat down.


The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"


The Marine calmly replied, "God is busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to behave like an idiot and say stupid stuff. So He sent me

It's just a joke! I'm a retired Marine and if it offends anyone you need to lighten up!