I am a bridesmaid for my cousin's wedding, and she has told me that I must pay for my bf's seat/meal for the reception, otherwise he can come when the dinner is over. She has spent, according to her $100,000, is on a budget and is only allowing "married couples" to attend "free of charge".
I am hurt and almost "turned off" with the whole thing since I am family, have always welcomed her and her "friends" (no questions asked), and have never made issues over money. I also have contributed a good amount of my time and money as a bridesmaid. I understand that it is her day, but this is just too ridiculous (and cheapskate) for me.
2006-08-17 10:44:24 · 23 answers · asked by Trixi Curious 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
btw, I am in a serious relationship and this is not some random shmoe that I just picked up off the street. We have been together for a year and a half..and she has not "issues" with him, what so ever..
2006-08-17 10:46:29 · update #1
That is extremely offensive of her!!! Clearly, money doesn't buy manners!
It is extremely rude to invite "half a couple" to a wedding. True, "actual" singles can be invited singly, but if you have a long term relationship, it is positively rude for her to not invite your boyfriend, and just beyond atrocious to try to make you pay your boyfriend's way onto the guest list.
Have you told other family members how terrible this bride is behaving?
I would go alone to the wedding, and buy this terrible bride a Miss Manners book as her only wedding gift.
I have no other solutions for you, but you have my commisserations. This bride sounds truly horrible.
2006-08-17 16:13:27 · answer #1 · answered by Etiquette Gal 5 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Ridiculous is right! I thought everyone counted on a date or spouse for both the bridesmaids and groomsmen to attend. A wedding is a time for couples to be together to share with the bride and groom...A celebration of love for couples! I hope your cousin has a beautiful wedding, and I have always said the bride is always right, whatever her and the groom wanted was the way the wedding should be. But, I am going to eat those words. This is wrong, I don't know what she is thinking. $100,000 budget and she can't fit in a member of the wedding party's boyfriend. I would attend the wedding, stay for the pictures then I would make an excuse to leave. That is if you have all ready bought your dress. If you haven't I would bow out. What does your Aunt think? This is one of those situation that could tear a family apart. I wouldn't want to do that, so, if you have your dress, go attend, smile pretty, and when it's time for the reception--suddenly don't feel well, and leave. Then go home, get dressed up and pick-up the boyfriend and go celebrate that you done the right thing! I am so afraid that your cousin's wedding is going to full of drama and hurt feelings. Please, be the bigger person, don't make one wrong into more wrongs. If you can afford the $150, then go and take your boyfriend. Make nice! As before, if you haven't purchase the dress, then bow out. Something has came up and you won't be able to attend after all. If you have the dress, go walk down the isle, smile pretty, and then cut out. I know this has hurt you, and I am going to give her the benefit of doubt, and say she just doesn't realize what she has done. If you were close, I would say talk to her, but sounds like it's more a family obligation then a friendship. I wished I knew what she was thinking, but I think that's the problem she's not....and she does owe you an apology. Please let her have her day, and you will be the better person for it. God bless us all...............
2006-08-17 19:56:37 · answer #2 · answered by totallylost 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
That is a difficult one. In my experience the planning of weddings throws up all sorts of moral dilemmas like this, both for the people getting married and the guests. I can sympathise with your cousin (as I'm sure you can), when she says she has spent so much already and is on a budget, but seeing as you are her family and you are going to be a bridesmaid I can also sympathise with you.
Firstly, although you must be feeling fairly hurt, avoid letting your emotions lead you into feeling angry with your cousin. Remember, when the wedding is over you will still be family and that is important. Is it worth letting $150 spoil your relationship with your family. As I see it you have three options - don't go (not recommended for the reasons above). Talk to your cousin (tactfully ofcourse) about how you feel and (if money is an issue) that you have already reached your own budget limit - could she meet you half way? - perhaps she is so caught up in the arrangements etc that she has't really thought about your own financial situation and how you might feel. Thirdly, pay the $150, grin and bear it and have a great day. Personally I would choose the latter, but thats because I'm not assertive enough to go for option 2.
My own opinion is that $100,000 is a criminal amount of money to spend on a wedding. About $80,000 dollars too much. And that includes the honeymoon! Think what you could do with the money you saved, think what people starving around the globe could do with it!
Anyway, hope you all have a great day.
2006-08-17 18:07:58 · answer #3 · answered by Mick H 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Well theres two ways to look at it, you're a bridesmaid and you have put alot of time into this day for her and you should be able to bring your significant other without paying her. BUT think of it this way, she's spent alot of money on this date, having a wedding is expensive and stressful and it IS HER DAY. So I would just go along with it..... or not have him come and dash out after your responsibilities as a bridesmaids are over... but as a friend (close enough to her to make it into her wedding party) you have to be understanding and sensitive to HER at this time, she's probably so stressed and not being sensitive to anyone right now so she doesn't understand.
Have you expressed your upset? If she doesn't seem so frazzled maybe express to her that since you spent so much money on your dress and you're in the wedding party you're short on cash right now could your boyfriend come without paying? If she says no, accept it and switch the subject, I think its' not an unreasonable request for her. She's paid alot of money for this and to her this 'married vs. singles' thing is just a way to seperate it rather than make everyone pay or else, well, who would come?!
2006-08-17 18:12:16 · answer #4 · answered by HE'S NOT INTO ME 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
explain to her that it is rude to invite an adult and not let them bring a guest. It is always customary to allow adult guests to bring 1 date with them. AND especially since you are a bridesmaid you should be allowed to bring a date a no charge! tell her that. Tell her that you feel she doesnt seem to respect you or your friendship that much. Especially if you bought your own dress and then cant have a guest! Do not pay to bring a date and maybe even threaten not to come to the wedding at all if she has spend so much money yet cant let you bring someone.
I told my friend that my BF couldnt come to the wedding and my friend STILL was kind enough to put down that I may bring a guest (but i am going alone since my BF cant go).
2006-08-17 19:46:03 · answer #5 · answered by Educated 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Although that is tacky, your cousin actually is not obligated to invite dates for all guests. She is really only obligated to invite married couples, engaged couples, and couples who live together. This is sometimes referred to as "No ring, no bring." However, it would have been nice for her to make an exception for a bridesmaid without asking for the money. Especially when she is already spending so much money--what's another $150 with that kind of budget.
However, the food at receptions is often not very good and bridesmaids usually sit separately from their dates. It might make just as much sense to invite your boyfriend after dinner, as she suggested. Try to politely smile through dinner and look forward to having some fun later on. Good luck!
2006-08-17 18:16:30 · answer #6 · answered by Blue 7 · 0⤊ 3⤋
That's incredibly rude and tacky! I understand being on a budget, I'm trying to plan a wedding and pay for it myself- and believe me, my budget isn't $100,000 either! Try $7,000....
Anyway, I guess that I would probably go to the wedding, stand there with her, do the bridesmaid thing, etc. and then leave before the reception. How can she ask you to pay for him when you've undoubtedly already had to pay for your dress, the alterations, your hair/shoes/jewelry etc. with no complaints?? (Who pays $150/plate anyway for that matter?)
Other suggestion being to make him a dinner, put it in a brown bag, and make a show of giving him his dinner since she was too cheap to! (LOL but that's probably kinda mean)
2006-08-17 20:05:19 · answer #7 · answered by ntfd68 2 · 2⤊ 2⤋
Your cousin is an idiot for choosing a place that costs $150/head. That is insanely expensive and unnecessary.
That said, I would participate in the wedding ceremony, and skip out on the reception. Or, pay, and don't get her a gift. Tell her you couldn't afford to after dishing out so much moolah being a bridesmaid and then for his seat. I think it is ludicrous for her to tell people they have to PAY to bring a date. Terribly rude and VERY bad etiquette!
2006-08-17 18:20:50 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
I would still be her bridesmaid but leave promptly afterwards, and skip the dinner/reception. If she asks you why you are going to do that you can let her know that you dont want to have her pay for you, since it costs "so much" and would prefer her to use that money elsewhere.
Your bf should be welcome in any place that you are welcome, as long as he is a genuinly nice guy. If she cant accept that, than oh well. Your showing up and acting as bridesmaid will show that you still care for her, and not going to the meal.reception will show your bf you care about him as well.
2006-08-17 17:58:38 · answer #9 · answered by glorymomof3 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
What is she thinking? $150 for a meal?
I would discuss it with her and the rest of your family, and if you really want him to come then bring him.
If she asked you to be a bridesmaid and then asked you to not bring your boyfriend, that's just tasteless on her part.
It may be her day, but she doesn't have right to turn into bridezilla.
2006-08-17 18:22:25 · answer #10 · answered by FaZizzle 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋