How do I change?

Question

Here's the thing. When I was young, I was made fun of and beat up. When I was 10, I started standing up for my self and getting confident. Noone messed mith me and I always took care of situations where people made fun of me. The more confident I got, I guess the more controling I got about my life. I didn't let anyone get in my way. Now I am 25 and am finding out that a lot of people don't like me because they think I am an ******. I don't mean to be a mean person. And I don't like being this way. I don't even see what I am doing as being wrong, but I am sure it is. I want to be better. I want people to like me, and not control me. What do I do?

Answer 1

you need to forgive the people you were mean to and try to be nicer. dont act like a prick anymore

Answer 2

You say, "I want people to like me, and not control me.". So which is it???

It sound like the advertisers, "New and Improved". Again I ask "so which is it"? A new product can't be improved because improved means it is an alteration of an existing product. You get the idea.

You have had experiences during your life. You chose to handle those experiences in a certain way. That choice has made you what you are. At this point if you back away from your position you will probably feel like a doormat, won't like yourself, and because of pent up angers caused by letting people walk all over you, someday you will explode. That explosion is what I would be concerned about. It could be very serious, including self injury, mental health issues, all the way up to and including you doing serious harm to someone. Perhaps even causing their death.

So if you really want to change, I suggest you do it under close professional supervision. I am not big on this sort of thing but in your case I think it is an avenue well worth exploring. A good counselor might be able to take a balanced person, such as yourself, and reposition the balance point without causing any damage.

I do believe that trying this on your own is not the best way to go.

Good luck. What you are considering could turn into a lot of work!!!

Answer 3

Well the good part is that you acknowlege it and want to change. Most people never self analyze and hang onto bad traits their whole life. In life everything must have a balance. You just need to decide when and how much control to give. If someone calls you on something you did or said, think back and figure out what you could have done to have a better outcome and with possibly better results than you're "other self". Just remember, a trait or personality flaw cannot be changed overnight. Just be sure that it goes a little into the right direction more and more each day. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

You should totally read this book called "Changes that Heal" by Dr Henry Cloud. Honestly, trust me, it's an amazing book. It changed my life.
I think the only way to change is to let go of your defence mechanisms and just be vulnerable. You're always an ****** because you're afraid of getting hurt so you use your meanness to stave people off. And you don't want to be 'nice' because you're afraid people will control you if you are. Well you have to risk being hurt. You can be both vulnerable and strong at the same time. Anyway read the book, it'll tell you more. Also other stuff by the same author. Good luck :)

Answer 5

Just as you learned to stand up for yourself and gained confidence, you can learn ways to express yourself "gently".

Are you being completely self-centered in your approach to other people?

Might people be more inclined to like you if you let down some of that armor and showed your vulnerable side?

Just some thoughts to ponder....

One other idea that springs to mind is to do some volunteer work. When you give of yourself in this way, the rewards are multiplied a thousand fold.

I wish you luck ~ and enduring relationships with people who appreciate you for the deep and caring person you are, or will be soon.

Answer 6

You're really ahead of the game because you know WHEN it happened, you know HOW it happened, and you know WHY it's causing you trouble now. Most people go through life never even seeing that they do this; you see that you're doing it, AND you know when it started and how -- so you can see that a response you made up to a single situation when you were ten years old may not be the best response to every situation you encounter now at 25.

The solution? Notice when you start to do this, and stop yourself. Train yourself to recognize the voice in your head ("what voice in my head? I haven't got a voice in my head -- maybe THAT jerk has a voice in HIS head, but I haven't got one in MY head" -- yes, THAT's the voice I'm talking about :-) that's telling you that you have to be tough to keep from getting beat up.

So when you recognize that you're going down the path of that picked-on ten-year-old, STOP. If you catch yourself doing this in the company of somebody else, it might even be appropriate to give them a short version of what's going on, in a way that defuses the situation. Me, I'd use humor ("I'm SO sorry, I just had a visit from my inner ten-year-old..."), but that's how *I* used to get out of trouble when I was ten.

So when I notice myself reacting in this automatic way, I stop myself and take a step back. I ask a few questions:

1 - What am I committed to in this situation? What is the outcome that I absolutely want to have happen here?

2 - What way of being is going to support that commitment the best?

3 - What can I give up about the way I'm being now to help bring about what I'm committed to?

So if you can prevent yourself from acting like a ten-year-old and then ask what's appropriate for the situation you're in, you're 80% of the way there. The other 20% is actually executing on it...

Answer 7

Well, I wouldn't go and give myself to Jesus or anything like that, but you might try joining up with a new set of friends... take up bowling or golf and find some buddies. (Try to avoid hitting them if you can..LOL) Learn who they are, little by little, and decide what you think are the best qualities they have and then just coping them. You wouldn't try to build a plane without looking at a few well made designs first, would you? Damn thing might not fly and then your *** would be in trouble... But don't worry about it a lot; it sounds to me that you've already made the first big step, you've isolated the problem. Now just deal with the dude who messed things up for you... the way you took care of the bad guys when you were young... don't take any crap from the guy in the mirror... make him behave himself and tell jokes or throw kisses instead of tossing his weight around... smile, it's gunna be okay. Good luck.

((( r u randy? )))

Added... Scott_F has hit it on the laces... well done Scott ... Go for it Dave.

Answer 8

find a good therapist and go twice a week.

at least once a day, do something nice for someone else. when you get in the habit of it, you won't even have to think about it anymore.

if you do something mean, apologize.

if you start to try to order someone around, stop yourself.

another way to help you quit micromanaging everything is to learn to trust in other people's abilities to take care of things. gradually, you will begin to realize that you are not the only responsible person in the world.

and remember, there is a big difference between being confident and being a jerk.

Answer 9

1st of all be yourself. But, it's nothing wrong with being confident and not letting things get in your way. But don't be to confident like you are just better than everyone. If you are acting that way then maybe thats y people think u are an ****** or maybe some are just jealous of you. You never know. But if you want people to like you then you must know that everyone is not going to like. So, just be yourself and let people take it or leave it.

Answer 10

Your "don't f*&k with me" attitude isn't neccassarily a bad thing,but it can definitely be taken too far.
There's a fine line between being that dude who people think is a nice guy but still wouldn't wanna mess with,and being a downright a@@hole.I know a few of both kinds myself.
You can be a genuinely fun person who people like to be around,and still not be a sucker.You just have to find a balance between these things that still fits with your basic personality.Try to find this balance while you're still young,'cuz people just end up getting stuck in their ways as they get older.

Answer 11

Use the rule of" Wait 10 seconds before responding to people". Its gives you some time to get a thought together before saying something you might regret. Also, try and remember that what happened to you as a child greatly affected who you are, but it does have to BE who you are. You can change anything in your life that you want. Those that are around you, and whom you love would never do those things to you. You teach people how to treat you. If you are acting like an *** they will treat you like one. Just relax and be happy that you have people that care about you. Good Luck