A relationship with no name..how do I get out of this cycle?!?

Question

I hope the length of this one won’t scare you. As with most dysfunctional relationships, this too is a long story. Here’s a very brief summary for anyone who would like to give me much needed advice.
This close friend and I clicked as soon as we met. It was soon clear that there was a mutual attraction as well, and we slept together. But he said that he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone, and that if we got together I’d eventually get hurt for he has loyalty/commitment issues. I thanked him for being honest, we agreed to remain close friends and not to have any physical intimacy.
However, (you know what will follow now), we couldn’t resist the passion and slept together throughout the year. We said/did/shared lots of things as if we were a couple. Meanwhile, I got hurt badly and felt used several times as he was openly flirting with virtually anyone. I tried to cut it off lots of times, he too sometimes, to protect our friendship, but it didn’t work. After each attempt, we ended up being like a couple and sleeping together again. I even attempted to end the friendship itself, but he strongly refused saying that he doesn’t want to lose me, and got very upset when I asked during a fight if I am only a “f*ck buddy” for him.
He said lots of times that he didn’t sleep with anyone else since he’d met me. But then I heard that he’d been constantly chasing and fooling around with this girl for a while. He didn’t like it when I confronted him. Apparently, when he told me that he didn’t sleep with anyone, he only meant full intercourse to the end, so he’d been doing all the rest I believe. I cut it off that day, and the friendship as well. He very soon slept with that girl and next day he regretted it, almost cried and wanted me back, saying it was a one night stand.
He’s too got jealous several times, when other guys showed interest in me and vice versa. I didn’t sleep with anyone else since I met him by the way. This confusing and frustrating cycle went on for a year. Last couple of months - to my knowledge- he didn’t really pay attention to any other woman but me. He once mentioned living together, another time very briefly mentioned us marrying and having kids. He’s still confusing me though. Last time I tried to put him out of my life resulted in him being in tears, and me too. Then recently he said that he is not able to love, and he still doesn’t want a relationship with anyone.
So I told him that I’ve to erase all my feelings for him -which I tried so many times- because I don’t know where I stand, even after all this time. He felt sad but agreed. We’ll meet soon just for the weekend, after a few months of being apart (but we talk/text/chat almost every day). A few days ago he was joking and said he’ll give his love to me when we meet. But when we meet, I want to tell him that I don’t want us to contact by any means for 6 months or so. I know that there’s no future for us, we are not right for each other, and I want to move on. But I’m afraid we’ll end up in each other’s arms again as we missed each other heaps.
I am very confused, don’t know how to put an end to this. I don’t want to lose our friendship at all. No matter what I/he/we tried so far, didn’t work. How do I get out of this frustrating cycle?! Any thought is appreciated. Thanks a bunch in advance.

Answer 1

You have made choices that now place you in a difficult position.

He told you his position in the beginning. You did not listen or did not understand. He does not WANT to change. He does not want the responsibility of a full time relationship. He does not want to get the help he would need to correct this. You are providing him with enough of his needs.

The only reason that you are confused is that you like the sex and the companionship while hoping that something will change. One of the most common definitions of illogical is doing the same action over and over and expecting different results. You will not get them.

If you truly believe that you might love this man talk to him about the two of you going to get professional counseling. If he refuses, then he is not interested in you as a person. He is more interested in you as a sex object. As long as you have sex with him, he will not be just your friend.

Answer 2

Seems like you made the best decisions so far in my opinion. You've acted smarlty and know what's at stake. So here's a bit of advice from outside this relation. Seems like your guy is a real good Drama-Queen - met one too, you know :) - it's always confusing being with those guys. Anyway, what's important right now is to save your skin, if I may say. If you have the strengh to go through that plan good. But remember : You can't rationalize attraction. So if you guys still have unfinished business, it happens. Joy, pain, eventually you will be able to say you really REALLY had enough and will cut loose. Maybe it will be the next weekend you meet, maybe it will be in a year. Just do your best.
And on a side note : Your guy talks a lot about how he can't love and then promise you real love ; just be careful - he's toying with you, reaching where he knows you will respond the most.

Answer 3

Mmmmmmmm tricky 1. i do agree that u r not right 4 each other at the moment, but i think if u spent a few months with no contact at all by the end of it u'll both know 4 sure how u feel about each other. if he's ready 2 assure u of commitment and u bot dont rush things then u may be able 2 give it another go. but if u've already decided that u want no further contact at all then whenever u feel the urge 2 txt just put the phone down and do something else after a while it will get easier. or when u feel the urge 2 txt, email me and i'll tell u off. i'm always lookin 4 new friends and if i can help u then cool. if u want 2 click on my name on the left and u'll see contact details, messenger me or mail me. good luck

Answer 4

Get out. As you said, it's a cycle. Friendship no longer has a place in this RELATIONSHIP. The both of you want what you cannot have since already many futile attempts have been made to either lose all contact, only be friends, or actually become a functional relationship.

I know how this situation hurts. But, you already answered your own question. Move on. That's what you want, and in the long run you'll feel better about yourself. You'll be out of this mess and one step closer to achieving a healthy relationship with someone else.

This person cannot offer you anything that will feel both good AND emotionally fulfilling.

Answer 5

crikey!! you both obviously have strong feelings for each other, but apart from the physical side, do you have any other interests you do together or talk about? Maybe like you said, its a good idea to be apart from 6 months and really stick to it.. because you'll just be living in each others pockets and bouncing back and fore.. wasting precious living and learning what else is actually happening to the world.. yawn yawn!!..

In fact I think it will be ideal if one of you went abroad for that length of time learn another culture and make new friends, this will try your love. During the 6 month separation - MAKE SURE NO CONTACT AT ALL - results should then be clear when you finally meet, if you should be together or go separate ways..

GOOD LUCK!

Answer 6

Painful as it sounds, I personally think that you just have to break it off with him, completely. Like you say, there is this thing between you which means you'll end up in each other's arms again. And that is just damaging you because you're not 'together' and yet you are together. These kinds of relationships can be the most hurtful - I know because my best friend was in a similar one. It just messes your head up...
I know you don't want to lose your friendship, but you have to decide whether you're going to keep letting yourself getting dragged down like this into the confusion. I think not seeing him for 6 months is a wise idea. Then you can reassess it. I don't think you'll be able to move on or meet someone who's right for you til you take a step back from this.
I've also lost guys who I really loved, and it was hard stopping seeing them. But they are still there in my heart and I'll always care about them... I know that sounds kind of sad & corny but it's true. And I'm ok about it because I have new friends & I love my boyfriend. You can move on from this guy, I really think you owe it to yourself. He's messing your head around no matter how much you care about him. Sometimes we just have to do hard stuff like this.

Answer 7

Have read your question and I think thyere is no quick fix answer. It sounds like you both need to sit down and have a long talk about what it is you both expect from each other. Do you want to have a lasting relationship with this guy or do you want to just remain friends. If it were me I would move to a new town where you can make a fresh start and meet new people that like you for who you are and don't just use you for sex. Ultimately the decision is yours and whatever you do I am sure you will make the right decision. (it sounds like you have more or less made up your mind now anway) Hope this helps and if you want further advice or just a freindly chat then just email me.

Answer 8

There's no easy answer for this one! I think you're on the right track with wanting to end all communication for 6 months. Perhaps then you'll be able to break the cycle forever. It's like you both are addicted to each other but know it's bad for you. Do they have "relationship anonymous" meetings? That's what you need - a support group to keep you from going back to him, regardless of the tears you both shed. Honestly, I don't think you'll ever be able to have a normal friendship with him and I think you know that you have to cut all ties. Wish I could give you really great advice here, but all I can do is reiterate what you already know in your heart. I wish you well.

Answer 9

You just have to let go. I know it'll be difficult. You obviously care for each other a lot, but there's no future for you, you'll just get hurt, he doesn't know what he wants and by the sounds of it you do - you just want to settle down with somebody and get on with life. I know it sounds harsh but you need to stop texting and talking. Text him one last time saying you need to move on and that this will never work. After that stay away. You'll only regret it if you don't. The longer you keep in contact, the harder it'll be to eventually lock him off.

You can't be friends with him. You've tried it before, you know what happens. Learn from the relationship and find someone who's actually interested in being loyal.

Answer 10

I read all of your story and it really struck a chord with me, I do feel for you, I'm in pretty much the same situation as you are. What would I say - these relationships are often addictions - can't live with them, can't live without. I think one day the pain outweighs the "pleasure" (the kick out of being with them) and you start making changes. I've had to go cold turkey with mine - taking each hour as it comes not to contact him and refuse to see him. The first week was torture but its getting better. The main issue I feel, is self esteem - every minute you spend thinking or being with this guy is taking your energy, and stopping you meeting the right person. What these emotional unavailable guys do is get very needy when you try to cut off the friendship - he really does need you but cannot give you anything back. They tell you they can't commit etc but when you try to leave they start getting upset/calling and getting jealous over other guys. YOU DESERVE BETTER!! Ask yourself - would you let a platonic friend treat you like this and let them get away with it?
If you want to chat, get in touch with me, would be happy to listen, I could have written your post myself... so as I said, I really feel for you.
Good luck with it, take this time out and focus on yourself and what YOU need. xx

Answer 11

Well all I can say is that he sounds like he is having his cake and eating it. I think you should just say bye once and for all. i know thats easy to say and hard to do but i think you know deep down that you need to do this or you wouldnt have asked this question. Maybe get a new mobile so you cant text and just completely forget it. I think the only person that is gonna get hurt is you. He may cry when you try to end it but this could be crocodile tears cos he will miss the sex. Find someone who can totally fall in love with you and love everything about you and not just be around you hoping to score an easy lay. Good luck babes. x