What do you think of my poem, it doesn't rhyme, does it sound alright? Does it bless you?

Question

I Won't Give Up

I won't give up Eternity
And I won't give up Paradise
And I won't give up forever with You
And I won't give up, I won't give up.

I won't give up Eternity
For one sin inside me
If I break one law
I've broken them all
So I won't give up.

I won't give up Paradise
So I can cherish one sin
I'll let You cleanse me from within
No sin has to hold me down
So I won't give up.

I won't give up forever with You
Just so I can do what I want to do
I want to see the Son's light
I will eat from the Tree Of Life
If I don't give up.

I won't give up Eternity
And I won't give up Paradise
And I won't give up forever with You
And I won't give up, I won't give up.

Yes, ya all, its about Jesus...

And "ZCT"...you didn't answer my question at all you just made fun of my beliefs. Next time keep it to yourself.

Answer 1

I think it's beautiful. And if you wrote it for God, then it doesn't really matter what we all think, because that is between you and your Lord. Give your all to him, and you will have nothing to worry about. Thanks for the blessing.

Answer 2

You clearly feel what you say. The rhythm and cadences are good. You use the refrain well. The absence of rhyme is not a problem, even though Robert Frost once said that was like playing tennis with the net down. I would, however, call your attention to the Parable of the Prodigal Son and the first encounter with Mary Magdalen though not to suggest that they are good role models for a young person to follow; they do, however, throw light on the complex conditions which religion sometimes has to tackle.

Answer 3

As a college teacher of English, I'd give you back your piece w/the comment-----NICE TRY. I know it comes from your heart.
Polish your sample w/imagery, similies, metaphors, etc. to give it more character. Sorry if this message sounds discoraging, but poets like Keats, Burns, Ginsberg, etc. did not have their first piece(s) critically acclaimed. Don't give up on your poetic venture.

Answer 4

Nice Free Verse. Keep writing.

Answer 5

I think it is a truly wonderful poem, and that it would make a great song. It is indeed a blessing to me to read such committed words. Thank you for sharing it.

Answer 6

I like it, though I hope it's referring to Jesus, keep up the good poetry. Don't give up.

Answer 7

I think it would make a lovely song.

Does it bless me? No, but that doesn't matter. Some may feel very inspired by your beautiful words.


Blessings )O(

Answer 8

This poem is sweet!

How about mine? THis is what they used to sing to me when I was a kid


Jesus loves the little children
All the Children of the World

Red and Yellow, Black and Blue
He loves Everyone but YOU,

Jesus loves the little children of the worrrrrrrld

Answer 9

This poem says alot to the one you love and I believe it is GOD. It's content speaks of faith in HIM and HIS helping you to live HIS laws . That's just my perception and yes it makes me feel blessed just from reading it.........

Answer 10

Let me see if I can correct that for you. Here try mine:

I won't give up insanity
And I won't give up false hope
And I won't give up my childish beliefs
And I won't give up, I won't give up.

I won't give up close mindedness
For I’ve been told what to think
Told what to think
By a man in a dress
That I won't give up.

I won't give up my poetry
So I can pretend I have creativity
I'll let You cleanse me from within
With a miracle enema
So I won't give up.

I won't give up my fairy tales
Just so I can think what I want to think
I want to believe in angels
And Santa Claus
That I won’t give up.

I won't give up Jesus
And I won't give up God
And I won't give up my silly rhymes
And I won't give up, I won't give up.

***
Update: Yes Blue Butterfly I did mock your little poem, but you know what? This is not a poetry web site. This is not a site to demonstrate your love for Jesus or any other deity. This site is supposed to be for asking questions and getting answers. If you want a real critique of your poetry there are dozens of poetry sites out there where people post poetry and discuss it. This is not such a site. So why don't you ask real questions in future rather than using a high traffic site such as this for blatant self-promotion.