don't want to be a stepmom sometimes how to deal?

Question

I really know what people are probably going to say to this question but i will ask anyway.When my husband and i first met his daughter was very jealous which i understood but it did bother me.Well things changed for her because i started telling him he would have to discipline her more she was babied way too much.I don't do the primary discipline because i know that is not a stepparents job.Well now after all the jealousy on her part and mine things are better and she really likes me but i really don't like her and don't know that i ever will.I don't know how to deal with it sometimes because i love my husband so i know i have to accept her and he has accepted my daughter fully.We have a baby on the way also.So i feel like when the baby comes his daughter will start the jealous feelings again and thats when i will get angry because i feel like she should not expect to be the center of attention in my husband's world.I know what i need to do but need some extra advice.

wanted to add a few more details to why i feel this way my daughter doesn't live here full time so he doesn't give her anymore attention than his own daughter so that is not an issue.But the things that bothered me in the past were she wants him to give her a bath so i nicely said to him fathers should not bath daughters past a certain age and she flipped pretty good over that.She wants him to dress her which now he has stopped doing because she is perfectly capable of doing it herself.I do take time out to teach her she is not a baby and she is not a bad kid i don't want you all to think that i am bashing her or being childish.I have had to make her pick up after herself because before i was here she didn't.I am not mean to her or anything just a little strict in my beliefs in raising children to not be spoiled brats.There are a lot of things that have contributed to me feeling this way not just jealousy.alot of him disciplining my child and not discipline his own things like that.

Answer 1

A child is a child...no matter who they belong to and I think you've slightly overestimated her status in his world.

He married you, he has sex and comfort from YOU. You are the one he is partnered to and the one he wants to spend his life with.

ANY child he has... from previous relationship, your child that he's accepted fully (your words) and the new baby will feel pretty much the SAME for a guy as they havent given birth to ANY of them.

True he may have to give a troubled child more attention than a settled one...especially as you have decided to take a backseat regarding her. I'm sure you wouldnt like it if he pushed her away because that COULD mean he'd do the same to YOUR babies if you ever split up?

Pregnancy can also throw ANY woman into protective mode. You dont trust her........and I GET that. I had 2 kids at an early age and then one recently (with a different father) and I got into that same distress mode for a while because I didnt know how they'd react to a baby step-sister, after having my full-on attention for so many years. I HAD to include them fully because I dont have a partner and so they have adjusted just fine...took a little time though. You have the added disadvantage (or advantage) of having your husband there to shout at, if things dont go ok....you shout less and think more if you dont have a partner to offload on....no safety net.

I would suggest you go see a counsellor, by yourself at first, because blended families is bloody hard sometimes. That may give you a chance to spill all your fears, tell all your troubles to (without smacking your poor hubby up the head for being as co-operative as he can be)...they may be able to give you some skills to view things differently. It cant hurt?

Answer 2

Well, the time to decide whether you want to be a stepmom or not was before you married. Remember, you are the adult and had a choice in the relationship, the child didn't. You don't mention the child's age, but you should be old enough to recognize the jealousy is insecurity and is a pretty natural reaction to a little person who's world is changing around them. If you truly love your husband, you'll love his child too. In doing so, you'll increase her feeling of security and minimize the chance of her becoming jealous of the new addition to the family. I would seriously urge you to seek some counselling to sort out your feelings for this girl as I suspect you have some jealousy issues of your own that need to be dealt with. It would be a tragedy for this girl to grow up in a house where her stepmother doesn't even like her and could lead to conflict down the road in your marriage.

Answer 3

Besides the fact that you knew what you were getting into (and not to mention the fact that he and his daughter may have issues with your child that they deal with), you are projecting that there will be a problem when the new baby comes. Don't spend time worrying about what might occur. In fact, putting your energies towards that may well increase the likelihood of just that. Instead, work to develop a stronger relationship w your step daughter. Even though you don't like her, giving her some extra attention now could pay off in many ways in the long run (like getting her exciting about her new sibling growing inside you, preparing the nursery, etc.) If things do end up turning sour again, try family counseling.

Answer 4

I sure do feel for you. God. It was hard for me to step into a similiar circumstance. In my case, my husband's kids were 14 and 17 and were in no way willing to listen to anything I had to say. They'd already been raised past a certain age. As it turned out, we got along for the most part...give or take a few situations. The understanding in our house is that while you live under this roof there are certain rules to follow. And when you live at your other parents' house there are certain rules to follow, and granted there may be differences in the rules, they will have to respect them.

Since then, his kids are now 17 and 21. Obviously I have no problem with the 21 year old. He is on his own with 2 children of his own. But the 17 year old girl is a huge problem. She spends her summers with her mother. Who has told her she doesn't have to follow any rules in our house. She can come and go as she pleases and we can do nothing about it. She doesn't like to hear from us that her mother doesn't pay our bills nor does she make the rules for our household and that she just needs to suck it up and accept the way things are. Sometimes, you have to be understanding, but stand your ground. I let his two kids know from the very beginning that I am here to stay and they have to "get over it". I will not tolerate being disrespected or mouthed off to. My husband does coddle his 17 year old daughter. And it creates a great deal of ugliness. But more for him, than for me. Go figure. Because she spends more time mouthing off to him than me. She makes it very clear that she would rather be with mommy than him. Unfortunately, the court has decided that she will be with us until she is 18.

I do understand how you feel. Sometimes it is hard. I do tend to feel invisible from time to time, but I have to get over that. I work hard on the relationship that I have with the 17 year old.

Answer 5

This is tough, I myself am not a step parent so maybe I don't have a clue what i'm talking about but i'll try my best.

Maybe if you could get some counseling it would help you to deal with the situation easier and a professional can give you some advice on what to do...of course that can be expensive and it's not for everyone. Also I noticed that you are speculating on the idea that his daughter is going to start acting jelous and bratty again, maybe you should give her a chance and see what's going to happen. I can only imagine how hard it must be to walk into the middle of a child's life and be expected to just get along. Maybe you could also discuss theses things with your husband, it is his daughter maybe he can help ease the discomfort. I hope you find a solution to this...good luck!

Answer 6

just like ur being a stepmom she just became a stepdaughter.. it sounds like the only 1 acting childish is u.. she is a child and these r things that she will go through because ur not her mom, but her stepmother.. so imagine how hard this is for her having to share her dad w/a child that's not his (ur daughter) and then the one ur about to have... and his children should be the center of his attn, it's just that u want him to only pay mind to urs and that's not right.. she was before u, ur daughter and the one on the way, so what u need to do is fall back a lil bit and let him parent his daughter.. when he needs advice, then he'll ask u for it..but for now since u don't even like his daughter u should not be telling him how to discipline HIS CHILD because it's not genuine.. that's between his childs mother and him especially if she's not disrespecting u (which u said she isn't at the moment).. u need to get counseling to get over the fact that ur husbands world does not just involve u and ur daughter.. she is a part of him and u have to accept her and now ur her stepmom.. u need to act like she's ur child and treat her like ur own.. because i'm sure that if ur husband finds out that u dislike his daughter that will be a problem...

don't treat her differently either, and don't act like she can't be a part of her new lil sisters life either....

Answer 7

The role of the step-mother is to be a mother to your step-child. You can negotiate it how your husband and you deal with your children - that happens in any family - but you are still the woman of the household and it sounds like you may have entered into a situation here that is not going to work well. If that happens you are going to need to deal with the situation and use your authority as the mother of that household.

Answer 8

Put yourself in her shoes... it will be easier to understand why she behaves the way she does. It will also help you in getting the ideas of making her understand how you feel about the whole transaction. Tell her honestly how you feel. she will understand how ever young the child may be - as some times they are better than we adults.

Talking to her about the whole scenario - in presence of your husband will certainly help you both and I believe leads to a happy family.

Finally, you are worrying too much about it. Cool, relax and talk out it will certainly work,. for all of you...

All the best...

Answer 9

I feel for you. I accepted my husband's 11-year-old son and 6-year-old daughter as mine when we got together. We also have a 2 month old baby. The baby and the 6-year-old are easy and I love them both to pieces. The 11-year-old is another matter all together.

The boy is extremely manipulative. I know some of his behavior does stem from being autistic (high functioning) but very little of it. He's a complete mamma's boy who make excuses for him and doesn't require him to take responsibility for his actions. She's told him he doesn't have to listen or do anything I say... this includes stopping and looking before he walks out into the street! He was almost hit three times this summer by a car. I finally got to the point where I wouldn't take him somewhere without his father there. He also lies and calls mom, giving her just enough of the story to have her furious at me and his dad (she doesn't want to listen to whole story). Oh, and he gets physically violent with his sister so I don't even allow him near the baby! Needless to say, visitations are a very long, trying period for us.

How do I deal with it? I'd like to say it's easy but it's not. There's times it takes everything in me not to duct tape him to the ceiling! In all honesty, in my case, it helps that he's pulling some of the same things with his dad so my husband sees what's going on. He's walked in on him backtalking me and giving me looks that could kill. I just try to remind myself that he's going from a home without rules to one with and that he's angry because of his mother's attitude that no one should be with his dad. I love this kid, I really do, but I don't like him because of his attitude and disrespectfulness. I just keep holding out for the day where he opens his eyes to the world and just do the best I can with him until then. I know I have to watch him like a hawk with his sister and brother so I protect them as much as possible as well... to the point where our medical practitioner has been informed and he will report any incidents to the proper authorities. I know there are some on this site who will critize that but both my husband and I know that we're fighting his mother in attempts to gain him the professional help that he needs. A few weeks of counseling (which we go to as a family and he goes to indivudually) when we have them (we live in different states) doesn't even come close to helping. Oh, even the counselors have said he's so intelligent he tried to manipulate them!

As for the new arrival, just try to involve your daughter as much as possible and she'll adjust just fine. Our daughter was actually thrilled over the baby which surprised us as we thought she might feel jealous as well but she wasn't at all. In fact, she did everything she could to try to help me and the baby this summer... short of changing diapers!

Good luck!

Answer 10

Look sit down and talk with her, let her know that u love her ans see how she feels about you, a family that praise together stays together ok. don't have your husband choose or take side do and make decisions together, also let her be apart of your plans include her.