How do you punish a child who burnt your house down?

Question

I live with my mom, my sister, and her three little boys (ages 8, 7, and 5)

Three weeks ago the boys started a fire in one the upstairs bedrooms. Inorder not to get into trouble, which they do often, the tried to put the fire out by themselves before notifying anyone. My sister was at home. My mother and I were at work.
The boys never yelled for help. My sister smelled the smoke downstairs and evacuated the house with the boys and cats.
Since then, the boys have been ordered to attended regular therapy sessions.
They have yet to be punished for the deed, as we do not know how to punish such an act, considering the anger we all have. But tension is only growing. And growing faster and stronger everyday.
Help!

Answer 1

First, I have to say you seem to be taking this all very well. Your question struck me funny due to the matter-of-fact manner in which you posed it, but I'm truly sorry for your loss and dilemma.

The children are awfully young for the typical methods of punishment that often come to mind in situations like this. After all, prison, community service, fines and such are all out of the question.

I don't have a specific punishment to suggest to you; perhaps the therapist could be of some help there. I hope though, whatever the selected punishment is, that the boys get more out of it than just the memory of being punished. It should teach them to consider consequences, and to appreciate the impact their actions have on others. It should also teach them that "not getting caught" should not take priority when others are affected. Whatever the punishment, make it educational, and make sure it hits them hard and stays with them.

Consider a fire safety educational program that is age appropriate. Itemize and assess the damage they caused, and work on developing a plan whereby they will each work off their share of the damages through chores at home and/or charitable or community service. It's a stretch for children so young, but the best remembered lessons for all of us are those where we had to pay retribution for our actions. No superficial punishment will suffice in a situation like this since it's not a minor infraction.

Regardless of what they've done and the subsequent punishment, don't forget to ensure the boys know they still have a family who loves and supports them, and their family has only their best interests at heart. That said, I *strongly* disagree with everyone who's said the memory of what they've done is punishment enough. That's a huge problem with our culture today: we're entirely too easy on our children, and they have no respect or appreciation for anything as a result. Prior generations were taught respect, stricter values, higher standards and to revere their families. Punishments may have seemed a little harsh at times and by today's standards, but they were effective and turned out better people.

Answer 2

Wow. For sure the boys should remain in therapy. They need to understand their actions and learn to resolve those issues which prevailed in their making such bad choices at the time of the incident.
As to "punishment". This is a harsh word. However, this behavior cannot be ignored. I would definetly set up a chore list, and along with it, a pay scale for this chore list. All of the monies they "would have had in hand", would go towards the rebuilding of the home. You may sit down with them and explain simple math. This is what it has cost us, this is what you owe, however, if you follow the rules, including do the chores set forth, for a specified period of time, we will consider this paid in full.
The chores, depending on what state you live in may include raking, sawing wood, stacking wood, garbage, scrubbing the toilet, shower and so forth. Each should have his own age appropriate chore list with two or three days a week in which the list is not a requirement of that day. Everything is written, entered into a log per each child until the "debt" is paid.
You must remember, also. Yes you are all very angry at present but you must let these kids know you love them, inspite of their poor judement and even though you are asking for "restitution" on this act of theirs, that you are and always will be on their side. You must also reward them for doing a good job on this chore list too. Not just say, that's fine for today, finish up tomorrow and let it go. They must be "rewarded" for good behavior inspite of the circumstances here. They must know they are loved.
Another thing is that they definetly need to lose some privledges for a little while, not forever. Like, again, age appropriate and not forever. No phone calls for three days out of the week, for one month, no friends allowed to visit for two weeks, things like that, and of course the dessert, got to take dessert away from them while you all sit and eat some in front of them for a week.
Just remember you cannot keep "punishing them". Nurturing is also what they should recieve and confidence that they are loved no matter what. Be sure to ask each of them, seperately how they "felt" about this while it was happening. "what were you thinking when you did this, honestly. Why did you decide to do this. Did you know you should not play with matches. Did you ever think that no matter how bad the result, (the fire) you could have called an adult to help prevent the major fire? Why didn't you call an adult. Look, do you know no matter how bad it is, that we are each here for you, no matter what? Were you scared. What would you do in the future if this were to happen again. What have you learned here.
Hope I have been of SOME help. Good luck and remember this, everyone is unharmed and this is most important. You are all very lucky there. You are still a family, alive and well and this is just one more learning experience for you all. Yesterday is past........grow from it.

Answer 3

First, my condolences on the loss of your home. I think one thing you might want to do is impress upon the boys the fact that they and their mother could have died. Maybe take them to the local fire station and ask the firefighters if they could take some time to explain the bad things that could happen in a fire. I would also punish them in some average way (grounding, no dessert for a week, etc.). I know you must be so angry, hurt, and heartbroken, but the boys are so young, and they were probably terrified. I would also suggest you attend therapy sessions together or separately so you can vent and sort out your feelings. I wish you the best of luck, as I am sure this must be one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.

Answer 4

All of you need therapy sessions. The boys have had a lasting punishment placed on them. The loss of security and the embarrassment of what they did will stay with them a long time. Instead of punishment they need love and understanding. Their mistake was no greater than some things you may have done but the effect of it was far greater. Understand it was not intentional and who was it that left flammables around the kids?? Without the matches or lighter the whole thing would not have happened. Children that age do not get fire making items themselves. Someone else was negligent and left matches or something around. Look at the total picture. Instead of seeking blame seek reconciliation.

Answer 5

Natural consequences are probably punishment enough. I am certain they were scared when it happened and are angery with themselves knowing what they have done and are sad to have caused this turmoil on the entire family. If you all live together and are all playing an important role in raising these children, you should sit down as a family and discuss the causes and effects that their carelessness has had on the family unit. They are old enough to understand the ramifications of their actions and as parents you need to do what it takes to not let this incident affect the rest of their lives. Things are replaceable but children and their psychological health are not. Hold them and let them know that although they have hurt the family's things the love you all feel for one another is unconditional. Remember it was their home too.

Answer 6

you mentioned the boys were attending therapy which is good , but i would contact your local fire dept and see if the boys could volunteer there periodically ,and let the capt know that the boys have set a fire intentionally before i think that exposure to the people who save lives on a daily basis could be a positive force as far as punishment i believe that for every action there should be a reaction therefore when the boys started the fire and didn't tell any one they should be responsible for cleaning up the yard and the house (as much as possible) from the damage caused from the fire

Answer 7

Well the boys are already going to therapy so that good because the therapist can see something in them that you couldn't see. Obviously grounding should be punishment enough. Take away everything and make them work back for it. They need to understand value. Also, communication would be good here. Anger only fuels the fire and make it bigger. Everyone needs to communicate to make sure all is on the same page.

Answer 8

Do not punish them. Just talk about their feelings in the moment of the fire what they were thinking and how they was feeling in that moment. Try to explain them that thinks such that might endanger life's of many people also their. If they are scared use it to make deal. Make some real wish come truth. and reword them if they are good.
Show them some movies with big fires and consequences of them.
Your children are taking regular therapy sessions it is good but try to talk wit the therapist about your taking part in it and about your behavior after that. You may use this moment to change more in their life's and to make deals about entire their attitude in future. Make real strategy not punishment, because sometimes adults are responsible for children's mistakes

Answer 9

at first, I doubt that many Christians are genuine Christians. Being a Christian ability being Christlike without sin and starting to be a holy and righteous man or woman. you've for sure been observing, because it were, from the sidelines and now see this hypocrisy. Jesus punishes those pretend sinner Christians faster or later as recorded in Matthew 7:21-23. have you ever heard this asserting yet: "in case you've been born in a cookie jar, does that make you a cookie?' the genuine genuine Christians are not user-friendly to locate, those who're fairly Christlike, are starting to be holy and righteous without sin. once you meet them and talk with them for a lengthy time period you'll quickly be abe to work out the version between the genuine article and the pretend one. John 3:3-5 ability, "If someone must be born back, they should be born of water and the Spirit. right here water ability the baptism of Jesus, which does away with each and every of the sins of the international once and for all. The Spirit signifies that Jesus who received baptism from John the Baptist is God Himself.”

Answer 10

Was it intentional & malicious or an accident? Accidents happen, and thank god nobody got seriously injured or died. If they have consciences, then they already feel bad. Don't make them feel worse. Your sister should have been watching them closer.

If the three boys are just evil in nature, they need to find religion & discipline. Some children just don't have a conscience, and time out doesn't work. You might look into military schools or boot camps.