tell me something funny!?

Question

go on... give me a giggle!

Answer 1

A mate of mine pulled on a night out on the town, he went back to her house and they was kissing and stuff then she went the toilet, he knew he was going to get lucky so he ran into the kitchen to give is di*ck a quick wipe because he hadnt showered, when she came back from the toilet they got down to buissness, and then he heard her scream wats that and he looked down and he had a bean in his pubes, he used a dirty dish cloth to clean him self with the silly boy

Answer 2

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, eats your food, messes up your stuff, takes, your money, and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place, then you either married or gave birth to it.





A newly married couple are honeymooning in India. As they're walking through a bazaar they see a sign that reads: "Magic sandals. Guaranteed to improve your sex life."

The couple walk into the shop and are greeted by the shopkeeper. "These magic sandals," he tells the wife, "will increase your husband's sex drive and make him an accomplished lover." The wife tells the shopkeeper that her husband wears a size 10, and that he'd like to try them on.

So the husband sits down, puts on the sandals and gets a gleam in his eye that his wife has never seen before. The husband rips his pants off, bends the shopkeeper over the counter and goes to town.

Frantically the shopkeeper screams, "The sandals! You've got them on the wrong feet!"

Answer 3

At the end of a long crime fighting day, Superman decides he needs to relax for a few hours, so he rings spiderman to see if he'd like to go out for a drink.

Spiderman replies "No, I have to repair my web spinner."

So, Superman rings a few more of his super hero friends and they're all busy. He decides in the end to go for a quick super-fly around the world to clear his mind before bed time.

As he passes over Wonder-Woman's mansion he sees her lying naked and spread eagle next to her pool.

Hmmm he thinks, with my super powers I'll fly down for a quickie and before she realizes I'll be gone.

So he swoops down and "WHAM BAM thank you maam" and he's gone.

Wonder- Woman shreiks "What was that?"

And the invisible man cries "I don't know, but I've sure got a sore @ss!!!"


10 points please

Answer 4

When I was small my parents used to play tricks on me. One day I went to school and they moved..

I am so bald the mosquitoes call my haed a runway.

My glasses are so hink I can look at a globe and see people waving up to me

Answer 5

so this old lady is in court for stealing a can of peaches. sitting next to her husband, the judge calls her to the bench and reads her the sentance. Judge says, I am gonna have to sentance you to jail and to be fair, I will give you one day for each peach in the can. How many were there? Six. Ok, you get six days in jail.

At the same time, the husband stands up and yells: she stole a can of green peas too.....

Answer 6

A bloke walked into a pub, took his hat off and put it on one of the bar stools. The publican's Alsatian dog immediately jumped up, grabbed the hat and ripped it to shreds, so the bloke said "Oi, your dogs' just torn my hat to bits! " so the publican said "I couldn't care less mate. Take it or leave it!" so the customer says "Now look here my man, I don't like your attitude" and the publican looked him straight in the eyes and said "It wasn't MY HAT HE CHEWED!"

Answer 7

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field



Ba-dum-tish

Answer 8

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!!!"
The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-a** grill for one little weenie?"

Answer 9

I saw a magazine the other day that said Osama has been caught by rednecks ... that was kinda funny but it also had a story about a vampire sucking a tree dry ahhaha

Answer 10

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake,the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.



MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.