How can I stop this pressure off my mother?

Question

My mother was due to go on holiday with one of her friends to mexico in a few weeks. Except the friend has now just been made redundant and mum wants to buy the ticket and give it to me. I know - a fantastic opportunity which i'm being a fool to pass up.

The problem is, I know if I go on this holiday, my mother has a bit of a drink problem which is only amplified when she's abroad. I dont have the easiest relationship with her normally - but I can imagine the rows now. I just cant be on my own with her for that set period of time without being miserable (I know - a horrible thing to say) I also keep remembering the last time we went on holiday - because I wouldnt sing in a bar for her (I perform normally you see, and wanted to chill and not do it) I got told she hated me, I was a mistake, yada yada yada. So - you can see why i'm loathe to go.

Now i'm getting pressue off her - i've used work as an excuse (Which is actually true) but not sure what else I can say to her. Help!!

there's absolutely no point talking to her about it though as she has a bit of a temper and will blow up in my face.

wow! Thanks for the responses guys. There's some really good advice, and makes me realise i'm not a total cow for not going!

Ok - bit more info. Me and my mum have the sort of relationship that if I spend any amount of time with her (Sober or drunk) we row. And its not nice. I havent lived at home for coming on 5 years, and obviously we do get on better as a result. But I can tell a row is brewing - just in time for this holiday.

I've told her (Nicely) about the drink problem before, but she cant accept it. And this holiday is all inclusive so there is no way shes not going to drink.

the money situation - she cant really afford for me to go which is another thing thats making me feel guilty. I cant see her paying for her friends ticket. But I will suggest it.

Answer 1

You can try just saying "Look mum I appreciate the chance to go but i am totally uanble to go to Mexico with you due to work, I am sure you would have a blast there with me but you are going to have to go solo I am so sorry but work is important!"

Answer 2

Not a nice position to be in, my mother has drunk heavily for many years and the only time I felt comfortable being with her was in between the drinking sessions or first thing in the morning, this other person that they become when under the influence is not nice to be with, dominating, abusive and certainly not someone you would want to spend a holiday with no matter how much you love them. But unfortunately we find it very difficult to say no, but really in this case you must stick to your guns and stress the work excuse as if you do go you will feel somewhat tortured not just for the way you are being treat but also because it hurts to see them in this way. Good luck whatever you decide.

Answer 3

Bit of a sticky wicket I'd say.
First don't approach mom, you have told her you needed to work and did not have time for a holiday right now. That should be sufficient.
Should mom approach you again remind her of what was said stay firm but nice.
Second if she has a drinking problem and uses that as a weapon on people then that is insufferable. You must be strong and refuse to allow her to do that to you. Mom no I will not interact with you like this. Then walk away.
I know this sounds sorta heartless but I was married to a Alcoholic for 18 years and I had to learn how to not enable him.
This is really the best thing you can do for someone is allow them to deal with their self instead of you trying to change city hall. I know you know what I mean.
I suggest Al anon, or at least the literature.
Don't be afraid you are not alone there are lots of us.

Answer 4

Sounds like your mother and my mother were seperated at birth. The only difference being my mother doesn't drink, she's like that ALL the time. The only advice I can give seeing as I completelly understand that you can't talk to her about it for fear that she will blow up about it without even hearing your side, is this. Just don't go. Continue using work as an excuse and don't give in. She'll either go with someone else or not and chances are she'll remind you time and time again that you did NOT do what she wanted. Is that so bad though? Occasional reminders that you've disapointed her or constant negativitiy and biting remarks the entire time your gone? The choice is yours.

Answer 5

Tell her no, and mean it. You have the right to choose. When she sees that you have made up your mind, and why, she will learn to accept that you have a mind of your own, and the right to make your own choices. It may be hard, but I think you are going to have to do it.

If she will blow up in your face, you could try 'phoning her, (distance) or even writing. The thing with a letter, is that you can calmly, and carefully pick your words,

But don't give the impression that you are rejecting her, but that you are rejecting this behaviour. That way, she knows - maybe after a bit of reflection - that you love her, but not some of her behaviours.

Good luck.

Answer 6

tell your mum you've just heard from and agent who wants to put you forward for an audition for something important (you'll have to define what it is relating to your genre of music)
problem is that the audition starts at the time of the holiday and you will need to stay available for further auditions.
of course when she comes back you can say you went to 3 auditions, down to the last 3 and got pipped at the post and how gutted you where now when you could have gone on this great holiday with her.

why am i proposing a lie? esp. when it is not PC to do so? because you mother obviously can't accept the truth, so you have no choice... and you reason for lieing seems fairly valid to me in the interests of keeping good relations.

Answer 7

You are in a no win situation, but my advice is DO NOT GO! my sister is just how you describe your Mother and there is no reasoning with people like this until they can accept that drink causes all the upsets in their lives, you are a grown up and do not have to put up with this hassle, tell your Mother that you cant go and that she can pay for her friend to go with her, but be strong and walk away from her if you think that she is getting upset and nasty about you not going, give her a bit of space and after the holiday tell her that you just have a 'hang up' about drink and it upsets you too much to see her having too much to drink, ask her to try and understand your point of view and then dont get into any kind of arguement about it, say your bit and then refuse to discuss it anymore, everytime she wants to defend her right to get pissed you must just say I wont discuss this I find it too upsetting,eventually she will come to terms with the fact that if she wants to be with you she cant be drunk.

Answer 8

Tell her you would love to come but its just too short notice to arrange cover at work. I know how hard it is we have a difficult relationship with mum in law without the drink problem and went on hol with all the family 6 years ago it was a nightmare all wanted to go home after 2 days shes just retired and wants to pay for us all to go away but theres no dad in law to sooth things now so i can see it been worse. good luck

Answer 9

If your mum has the money to pay for the ticket for you, why not suggest she gives the money to the friend who was originally going but now can't afford to. I'm sure the friend would be thrilled to still be able to enjoy her holiday for free, and your mum would know she's going with someone she gets along with or she wouldn't have booked with her in the first place!

Good luck!

Answer 10

The worst thing you can do is go on this holiday,how you get out of it doesn't matter,if she's hurt it's entirely her own fault.You are an adult,stand on your own 2 feet,if she lives for another 20 or 30 years,are you going to let her rule your life for that time?If she were my mother,I would cut all ties until she stopped boozing.What-ever you decide,I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 11

Mabey you need to tell her she has a drinking problem. If she is easy to get along with all other times except when drinking, then she needs to get it in check, mabey too that is why her FRIEND backed out of going along with her in the first place...??...??
dont use excuses for something that isnt your problem or fault.
tell her straight up, nicely, tactfully, easy, not blunt and blown away. mabey she'll not drink when your away,and you'll actually enjoy the trip. GOOD LUCK..