How do you deal with a mother like this?

Question

My mother isn't exactly happy being married to my father. Understandable, he's a very difficult man. But she has this fierce will to still do everything she wants to do and so over the years our house has turned into a place of lies, cover-ups etc. She's had affairs and I now have indication that the last one is either not over or she's obsessing over it completely.
A few years ago I could deal with it, she had her secrets and it didn't concern me too much, again I can see how difficult my dad is. But lately she's printing off her emails like she's hoping to get caught. She drinks way too much and is fast asleep either all afternoon or by seven in the evening. She shows no respect for my pc, smoking and drinking over it (she's ruined the keyboard before) and acts like a sullen teenager when I ask her to pay attention. The floor of her room is littered with spilled wine and glasses she's broken 'by accident'. She's scatty to an extreme, I'm finding it hard not to just scream at her.

Answer 1

Sounds like it is time to lay your cards on the table and tell her to get it together. I dont mean to be harsh and sounds like she has some real problems, and yes i am sure that you love her, but love isnt blind (unless its children or animals) and it sure isnt unconditioned (again unless its children or animals) so i think that you need to put some conditions to her. You need to perhaps even distance yourself , maybe physically mentally or both, and take care or yourself.

May help to talk to her but may not, if she drinks alot then what you say may go in one ear and out the other, but there is no harm trying. Also there comes a point that you just have to let them get on with it, especially if they are in a destructive pattern. Have you spoken to your father about how you feel?

Answer 2

I'm wondering how long she'sbeen with your dad. Sometimes when people have been together from an early age they seem to feel like they've missed out on something. I'm afraid only your dad can reassure her, maybe they need some time apart to see if the spark is still there. Whatever they do it seems like the drinking is a real issue. Relate may help

Answer 3

Wow, never really thought about anything like this...lets see...

Just wondering...how old is ur mom?

Well, if talking's no good, try ignoring her. Feeling left, lost & alone (for quite some time) she's throw in the towel, well, hopefully. make sure u make it sound like nno matter what happens ur at ur dad's side, thta'll upset her quite a bit

I;d still say, ignore her. Older people, esp. parents, will feel left out, & trust me, some cases i see they just dont wanna get all messed up after having affairs out of wedlock. they dont wanna risk losing all their friends, family, etc. No matter how much they hate their spouses, they'd come back at the end

The biggest revenge? When ur married & had kids crawling, running around screaming all over (ignoring her), she'l regret she was never really part of this. This is what i learn from people around me. One of my granduncle was a classic stud when he was young, flirted with countless women leaving his wife all desperate & alone. Now the kids have all grown up they ignore him as much as possible, from the looks i can tell ya, justice's been served!!!

another case, the kids have disowned their father (a neighbor of ours) when he was young he was cruelt & hertless towards them. Now they've sent him to an old folks home.

Another case, also around the neighborhood. A not-so-close friend of mine's mom wnet to England when he was just a toddler, and had a bf there the moment she went there. I remember this kid at school sometimes cried out of the blue whining that he never met his mom for yrs. Everyone felt so sorry for him. She'd pop up once in a while. Its been more than 10 yrs now, i heard that she was banned from her own daughter's wedding

There! The biggest/sweetest revenge, is to ignore her at all costs!

Answer 4

Option A: Move out and ignore it.
Option B: Plan an intervention for your mom
Option C: Expose her to your father (not the best option)
Option D: Stay there and ignore it
or
Option E: Talk to her like a friend and don't judge her. Try to offer advice and get her back on track. If she needs to divorce your father to be happy, then support her without abandoning your father.

Good Luck

Answer 5

i feel very sorry that you have to be in the middle of a troubled marriage

maybe your parents should seek counselling and as a last resort part ways if things are not working out

they both deserve a better life and it means to be away from each other then so be it.

you do not deserve to be dragged into their married life troubles. why do parents do this to their children ?

how old are you ? if you are 21+ maybe you should think of moving out soon - before all this mess drives you crazy !!

Answer 6

Blimey, sorry to hear you have such a pain in the @rse for a mother. Mine's the same, I stopped talking to her 2 years ago. Best thing I ever did.

I dunno what you feel you should do, but perhaps ignorance is best. If she hasn't got any respect for you, just leave her in her sad little life and move on. Hard as it may be - if she can't contact you she can't hurt you. Her problems are made herself, and she shouldn't make u feel bad because she isn't being adult enough about them.

Be strong and don't take in nything she does to make u feel bad.

Best of luck. :)

Answer 7

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with your mother in that way. Anytime a parent behaves like that it shows how mature
their child is in comparison to how irresponsible the parent is acting.

She may want to get caught so she doesn't have to make excuses to leave, instead, if your dad catches her and kicks her
out then she is off the hook.

She may want to hurt your dad by his finding out. It's hard to say.
She needs someone to set her straight. In the mean time
keep your chin up and remember how she is so you will never become like her or your dad.



Just

Answer 8

you could talk to her till your blue in the face. she will change if she really wants to. if she's hurting you that bad then stop talking to her, nobody needs others putting them through hell, even if they are family! i stopped talking to my mum 4 years ago and since then my life has turned around and i stopped having seizures.
if you really cant do that then help her through it, all you can do is be there for her. don't try to be a "sycologist" just be a friend and daughter, and don't let her turn you into the parent. go out and have fun with your mates, forget about other peoples problems for a while.

Answer 9

It sorta sounds like since she is wanting to get caught that she wants a divorce but she doesnt want to be the one to say it. It sounds like she is in alot of emotional pain =( Talk to your dad about it and make it known to her that you care for her. I'm sure she knows you love her very much but she might need reminding. Maybe buy her alittle something for no reason or burn her a cd to listen to when she is driving. =P

Answer 10

I have similar problems to yours, my parents are planning to destroy each other...

Before you decide any move,
1) how old are you? adult? working?
*for your own well-being sake, don't take risky actions*
2) are you influence enough to take over the family?
*to set things right, the nation needs a new king*
3) are you financially independent?
*if things turn out bad, you can live without them or worse, take care of them*
4) shelther at grandma's house?
*that is my advantage, my luck*

The important,
1) don't make yourself an extra problem to the world
2) refer to all replys and take best actions, draw up a plan or something.
3) don't beat the bloody out of them *I wish I could, I love to*
4) don't take the advantage to rape your mother

Remember, draw up a backup plan for yourself...

Lastly, good luck.