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I haven't seen my dad since my 13th birthday when he got custody of my little sister...now I'm 21 and haven't seen him since.
He told me 2 days before my 13th birthday that he didn't want to see me anymore and that I wasn't his. He said this because I ran away from his house via bicycle 18 miles in 98 degree heat, because I didn't want to live with him. He was a drug abuser, alcoholic, and my dad. He didn't have custody of us in the first place, I actually lived with my mom, but me and my sister went to his house on the weekends for visitation (I'm getting mad and depressed just thinking of this). It's been 8 years and 13 days since I've last seen him. I'm everything he isn't, and I'd just like him to see that and make him see what he's missed the past 8 years.

2006-08-16 20:11:57 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships Family

Most of you think that I want him in my life again like seeing him on a regular basis...If I did decide to go see him it would be just once,(and probably never again), I know it would be a diappointment, and I know what to expect. My sister says I didn't miss a thing....Oh yeah and as for the 8years 17 days thing...I just remembered that because my birthday was 17 days ago which marked the 8th anniversary of not seeing him.

2006-08-16 20:36:44 · update #1

45 answers

My father walked out on me when I was only a few months old.

He tried contacting me when I was in my early twenties and I blew him off. I had moved to Florida and was only going to be in the area for a few days, was on vacation and couldn't be be bothered.

I tried calling him in my thirties because of some medical questions, and because I was feeling adrift in the world (I had become a drunk like him); he blew me off, denied even knowing who I was.

When I was 44, I started getting messages from somebody claiming to be my sister. I figured it to be a bill collector of some sort and kept ducking the messages. When they wouldn't give up, I called. I found out that my father had died and that I had two sisters I had never known about. I was mentioned in the will.

I thought I was going to just fly there to pick up a check and go back home and party. It turned out to be a long, drawn out affair over a very small amount of money, but I ended up staying for several years. (I got sober during this time.)

The important part was that I got to meet my sisters. I got a better idea of who my father was, a sense of family, a better understanding of my place in the world. My father wasn't evil, only a man, but he sired a few good kids. While it's too late for us to ever become close, I'm richer by knowing my sisters.

2006-08-17 07:30:21 · answer #1 · answered by raysny 7 · 0 0

i'm surprised that your dad got custody of your little sister if he was a drug abuser and alcoholic.

Is it possible that he may not be your biological father and might have been telling you the truth (although in a very hurtful way)?

Just wondering if your mum has possibly misled you on how your dad was - again, going back to the custody thing??

Have to say that i don't necesarily think you want your dad to see what he's been missing the past 8 years - but maybe you're starting to feel that you've missed out? Have you considered how you'd feel if he wasn't the man you think he is? Or if he is still the same person that you believe him to be - would you really care what he thinks of you???

I think you miss him (8 years and 13 days?) and want him back in your life but you feel too hurt and betrayed.

Has he said that he wants to see you??

There are lots of deeper issues you need to sort out in your head before you make this choice. Perhaps would be a good idea to talk it over with specialist counsellors?

Good luck, whatever you decide x

2006-08-16 20:20:38 · answer #2 · answered by mrsmac_3 2 · 0 0

No. Don't waist your time. My dad was a drug user, alcoholic, and also addicted to porn when I was a kid. Mom took us away when I was 11 (I am 25 now). He went to AA and got clean only until I was 18, (I had to go on visitation) then as soon as I didn't have to go anymore, he started up everything again. What a liar! My little sister and I thought that he was a good man, for a little while. I have lost all respect for that man. I have tried a few times to keep in touch just to see how he is, he just treats us like crap. He is in denail, like most people like that, I take more pride in knowing that everyday day when I wake up and go to work, or on with my day, that I am more than he EVER will be. (I know that sounds concited, sorry) I am glad that I had a crappy dad, it's made me thrive to try harder, but I will never give him the satisfaction of know that I have done better off without him!! Hope this helps! Good luck!

2006-08-16 20:21:32 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

One can almost hear the anger and pain screaming out in your words. My heart and soul can really feel you...however, the question you are asking is much too personal for anyone but you to answer. You have choices that are uniquely yours...and I am sure they are difficult and painful...but are critical to you making peace with the pain from your past and living a joyous happy healthy life. As much as I'd like to tell you what to do...I cannot...it is not my or anyone elses choice to make. What I can do is offer some questions you could answer that might help you discover the best choice for your situation.
Do you really believe you are everything he's not? Or do you feel fear in being like him? Are you seeking a relationship with him and do you hope to find that your father now loves and wants you? What do you want him to pay for the pain of your past? What do you hope to accomplish when seeing him? Are you prepared for the dissapointment if the outcome doesn't go as hoped? Why is it so important to get his approval? What is your life lacking that you might be hoping to gain from this visit? Can you think of more positive or negative reasons in seeing him? Have you considered some counseling to help you uncover self truths hidden deep inside you? What role is forgiveness playing in your life? Do you need to forgive or be forgiven? Have you read your own words and can you hear what they say? Did you realize you mentioned years of separation down to the days? Do you know the minutes and the hours too? These questions are all your choice to answer and there are absolutely no wrong answers. You may feel some discomfort, but it is nothing compared to pain and misery we suffer in denying what's really true for us. 21 is a monumental age and the turning point we always focus on. Often it can be a little disappointing that it isn't quite the freedom and exhilaration everyone waits all their life for it to be. You are a beautiful and gifted person exactly as you are... and if you believe in yourself so will everyone else!

2006-08-16 21:22:44 · answer #4 · answered by poetry.princess 2 · 0 0

This depends on you and your feelings, if you still love him as your father and forgive him then you should go and see him. But if he has done or does bad things that are hurting you and left you then forget him, he doesn't deserve your love and attention. I know how you feel I haven't see my father since 3-4 years (and the last time I saw him was the 4th time I saw him in my life). I don't know him and I wouldn't like to see him him, because he is a stranger for me...anyway if your father was a good with you before you ran and he still cares about you, then you should loose this person. Some drug abusers and alcoholics know how to take good care of their children. If there are many good and beautiful memories and moments and your father and you are having still this father-son relationship, then don't loose it, it's the most precious thing on Earth. But if he has hurt you and made your life said and so on, then don't see him ever again, it's enough for you that you didn't had father and now you go to him to hurt your feelings again? As I said this decision depends on you, feelings and even on your family. I hope I helped you a little.

2006-08-16 20:46:32 · answer #5 · answered by Soso 3 · 0 0

Write him a letter first, if you haven't already. Guage that response and then make your best decision. The letter should be an open invitation to see one another and try to not make it fluffy but certainly not negative and angry even though it will be tempting. You should also stress the fact that we live short lives and that as time goes on family, or lack thereof, is sometimes all you have.
You'll be fine on your own but we only get one Dad. Mine is gone and I wish I could at least have know what I'm up to as well as know what he is doing.
Your Dad may have some serious issues but like I say...time passes and you never know what either of you will think when you don't have the opportunity to at least make contact. That day will come and one of you will be taking a dirt nap one day so why waste more time?

2006-08-16 20:23:55 · answer #6 · answered by the matt 2 · 0 0

It depends on if you can handle it or not. Just remembering the past upsets you, so obviously you have many bad memories and perhaps have not really faced all of this and worked through it yet. I dated a guy for a while who was a drug addict, and after seeing many examples of his off-the-wall and unstable behavior, I actually advised the mother of his son that in my opinion it would not be good for the boy and his father to have face-to-face contact (the boy is 13 and has not seen his dad for about 10 years and does not really want to). In your case, I know you want to see your dad and have him realize how wonderfully you've turned out and how proud of you he should be, but people like him can't be counted on to have "normal" reactions...they thrive on tearing others down because they have no self-esteem and feel so badly about how they have screwed up everything in their lives. You really have to be prepared to have contact with this man, because I am concerned about the effect the whole experience will have on you. By the way, even if you never get the reaction from your dad that you are wishing for, I would like to take this opportunity to tell you how extremely proud of you I am for turning out to be the man you are today. You've overcome a lot and broken a horrible cycle, and I applaud you for that.

2006-08-16 20:23:08 · answer #7 · answered by sunny1 3 · 0 0

Wow, that's a tough one. I definitely think you need to work on the anger you still hold onto regarding your dad. I have been there so I know what I am talking about. My dad walked out on us when I was 9 and I remember it like it was yesterday. But I finally had to give up all my anger and hate I felt towards him because it was only hurting me. It took me until I was about 28 to be able to do this though. I think you should see your dad but be careful about showing him your anger. If you go see him and blow up at him he will just think you are no better than he is. But if you see him, let him know you are doing well and are happy, and basically tell him you don't feel you need him in your life, that should be enough. If he apologizes accept his apology but don't be too quick to open yourself up for more hurt. I still see my dad once in a while but I don't believe anything he says or trust him any farther than I can throw him. But we are civil to each other. Best of luck!

2006-08-16 20:21:46 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Some times we have to face our deamons and other times we just have to throw them in to the deep end of the sea.

I would advise you to check our alanon...for friends and family members with alcholic family or firends. The group saved my life. This is not a group to fix your dad, but a group to help you deal with what and how his addiction did to you.

I would say if you see him,,do it with a loving spirit. You didn't cause his problem and you cure it. Like it or not he is your dad.
And think about this......YOU and your sister need to be the generation where this crazyness stops Otherwise there will be a circle of bitterness and depression to pass on to future generations.

No one can tell you what to do. You don't have to make the decision this moment. Keep an open mind and heart and the answer will come to you.

I wish you well

2006-08-16 20:33:19 · answer #9 · answered by clcalifornia 7 · 0 0

Go see him because like they said above you will have closer. I went thru the exact same thing exact same time framing too and i hadn't seen him since my 13th birthday and I saw him about 3 months ago best decision of my life. It was really hard but you wanna know what, i finally got closer, except i still wanna why he did it but i don't wanna ask either i don't wanna bring up the past I have only talked to him twice since then. I consider my step dad and my brother my father. Go see him. I could hurt but it might help you out too.!! good luck Hun!

2006-08-16 20:24:50 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

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