Extremely particular toddler?

Question

I have a delightful 21m daughter who is extremely particular, downright anal. She has to have things a particular way, like stacking her books in a precise line. If one falls out, she has a meltdown. She didn't learn this from me, I'm pretty mellow and laid-back! How can I help her have a little more patience with these things?

Answer 1

Some toddlers just get on a thing like that for a while, so that is probably what you have going on.

I've noticed, though, that the answers here all seem to lean toward seeing being "picky" as being a "problem"....

I'm picky. It isn't to the point where it stops me from living a normal and/or happy existence. Its just a preference, and I've always assumed it has to do with some high level of whatever kind of intelligence it is that has to do with organization and/or aesthetics.

If your daughter does end up showing that she's just naturally neat and organized that's a nice thing as long as it isn't OCD. It makes life prettier and easier and faster and nicer. When its in a degree that wouldn't amount to OCD, not only isn't it a problem; its a quality. People who aren't naturally neat like to act as if neatness is a problem because that way they don't have to face the fact that they may lack a little skill or ability in this area

A person's degree of neatness runs on a scale from anti-socially messy to OCD-neat. In the middle of the scale there's a whole range of messiness and neatness. The person who falls within the normal range but at the farthest "neatness" end is fine, just as the person within normal but leaning toward the messiest end is.

I suspect your toddler is just being a toddler, but if it turns out she's going to be picky and neat that isn't a bad thing. People measure other people by using themselves as the "ideal". Messy people call everyone neater than they are "obsessive". Neat-freaks may think everyone who isn't as neat as they are has inadequate organizational abilities or no aesthetic tastes.

I had to speak up for the neat people of the world because apparently we are a minority who stand to be seen as having problems by the majority. We may be a minority, but so are child prodigies, star athletes, ground-breaking scientists, and blue lobsters!!

Let your picky toddler have her impatience. Toddlers are like that. As she grows she'll learn to find patience on her own.

Answer 2

I thought 'anal' and 'toddler' went hand in hand!! My son had terrible times switching between short sleeved shirts and long sleeve shirts and would NOT allow his sleeves to be rolled up when eating EVER. I think some little ones take the control factor to an extreme. Who knows why we do this at 2 but if it carries on and she's facing kindergarten and still reacting this way, then I would look into it. She might want more structure in her day, maybe she still needs some more sleep, maybe she has too much structure in her day and wants to take control of it or she simply needs a little more downtime to do the things she wants and doesn't like rushing around. It could be her way of slowing things down, who knows but they all do something like this at some point in their new little lives. Let her take the lead and do what she needs to do right now because it will probably just stop on its own but keep her control factor under control so she's not manipulating the whole of your day. As for making her get into messy things or messing things up, that might just wreck her day and leave her panicky (not to mention yours if you become frustrated, some kids just hate messes and dirtyiness so just enjoy it now because she'll probably have the messiest room when she's a teenager and you'll actually miss these days!) Have fun and enjoy her little self even if it feels like everyone else's kid is just going with the flow!!

Answer 3

This could be an early sign of autism-one of the symptoms is having a compulsive sense of how things should be. Like in your daughter's case, having her books in a precise line. I know 21 months is a little early to tell for sure but keep an eye on her development, especially socially.

Answer 4

I agree with TKRon31. This sounds a lot like my son. He would stack Legos in a particular manner. Also, if anything in his schedule was changed, he couldn't deal. The fact that you use the word "meltdown" is interesting in that every autism book I've seen uses that word to describe their tantrums. My son was diagnosed with Highly functioning autism about a year ago.

Answer 5

Lol. Patience is something that has to be taught. Blocks and books and stackable objects can sometimes become overwelming for a child because they are so proud of what they accomplished they are sad when it goes outta wack. She could have OCD very young too. I'd talk with her peditrician and let them know of her meltdowns.

Answer 6

Engage her in messy fun projects like finger painting or let her help you roll cookie dough to bake it will help her to open her mind to the fact that not everything in life will be orderly and clean, my son had the same problem when he was that age

Answer 7

It may just be a stage she is going through. Kids that age are crazy! I sometimes think toddlers are worse than terrible twos.

Answer 8

she sounds to me like she has autisum you should take her to a doctor and have her tested. does her scream sound like a high pitched "ahhh ahh ahhh ahhh ahhh" until you put the book back?? its a classic autisum scream. but some do vary a bit.
I'd have her checked .

Answer 9

my daughter is 3 and believe me she is the same way down to the fact that if her shirt gets wet she has to change her whole outfit...i've started to not pay attention or feed into this behavor and i noticed that she dont dwell on it like if i pay it attention and get upset about it myself

Answer 10

Oh my goodness.... Did you watch Oprah today? They were talking about daughters who had problems such as these and they said that mothers do pass these traits on to their children. You can read about it on Oprah's website.
http://www2.oprah.com/index.jhtml