tell me ur funniest riddle/ joke the 1 that the judges find best wins..?

Question

judges= me sis nd my cuz

only riddles plz****

Answer 1

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today.

The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the ******* hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

Answer 2

Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said "You'll see."

They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket Please." An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the
conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.

On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, "You'll see."

All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes,
one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers' bathroom, knocks on the door and says: "Ticket
please."

_____________________________________________________

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

Answer 3

there was a blonde girl growing up in an extremely nice neighborhood. let me tell ya, she had it all....or at least her parents did. things looked great from the outside, but really her parents were not giving her anything so she had to walk around and try and make money for anything she desired (which was a lot being a little spoiled girl with a reputation.) So she walked around that ritzy neighborhood and finally she found a beautiful house with a big charming wrap-around porch full of people ready to put her to work. for her first task the man said "All right here's the paint, go paint my porch and come tell me when you have finished." she leaves to begin painting and about 25 minutes later she walks in the front door covered in paint. she proudly exclaims "im finished!" the man says, "well there is just no way you could have finished by now."
"oh i truly am sir. i have done what you asked." so the man heads out to examine the job she has done expecting a small portion of the porch to be finished. to his surprise the entire porch was still the exact same color as when he had left it. the girl walks past him and didnt even stop to look at the porch but went and raised the garage door for the man to see the new paint job he had just received on his brand new porche.

Answer 4

This is the fairy tale we should have been reading as little girls!





>>>>> Once upon a time,

>>>>>

>>>>> In a land far away,

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> A beautiful, independent,

>>>>>

>>>>> Self-assured princess

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> Happened upon a frog as she sat,



>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> Contemplating ecological issues



>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> On the shores of an unpolluted pond



>>>>>

>>>>> In a verdant meadow near her castle.

>>>>>





>>>>> The frog hopped into the princess' lap

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> And said: Elegant Lady,

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> I was once a handsome prince,

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> One kiss from you, however,

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> And I will turn back

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> Into the dapper, young prince that I am

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> And then, my sweet, we can marry

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> And set up housekeeping in your castle

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> With my mother,

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> Where you can prepare my meals,

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> Clean my clothes bear my children,

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> And forever

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> Feel grateful and happy doing so.







>>>>> That night,

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> As the princess dined sumptuously

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> On lightly sautéed frog legs

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> Seasoned in a white wine

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> And onion cream sauce,

>>>>>

>>>>> ~~~~~~~~

>>>>>

>>>>> She chuckled and thought to herself:



>>>>>

>>>>>

>>>>> I don't f.........ing think so.

Answer 5

A sexy 35 year old woman is widowed after her rich husband passes away. She decides that the house she is living in is much too large to clean herself. Also, the poperty is quite large and she has never worked the machinery that sits outside. She decides to hire help.

Only two men apply for the job who are qualified. However, they both have lives she doesn't agree with. The first man is a drunk and can barely stand. The second man is gay.

She decides it's not up to her to judge anyone and the gay man is clearly the best person for this position. So she hires him.

For month, the man worked hard without a day off and did his job very well. She confronted him and told him to take a night off and to go out and have a great time. Enjoy himself.

He does just that.

Late that night he came back to the house and tried to creep inside without waking her up. To his horror he sees the sexy woman sitting at the wingchair waiting for him to come home.

She says to him, "Come here"

He nervously walks towards the woman.

"Take my blouse off"

He just stares at her for a second not know what to do, then finally takes her blouse off slowly.

"Now... take off my heels."

He took a deep breath, not wanting to be fired, and took off her high heel shoes. Still not looking at her.

"Now slip my skirt off"

He reaches behind and unzips the back of her skirt nervously. Finally, after a long pause ...

... she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

Answer 6

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Answer 7

2 men at a bar were taking section in some beverages for the previous couple of hours and have been exceedingly under the effect of alcohol while one in each and every of them notices a eye-catching woman sitting interior the nook. One says to the different, "Jeez, i might rather choose to bounce with that woman." the different guy replies, "nicely pass forward and ask her, don't be a chicken." So the guy procedures the stunning woman and says, "Excuse me. might you be so style as to bounce with me?" Seeing the guy is easily under the effect of alcohol the girl says, "i'm sorry. remarkable now i'm focusing on matrimony and that i might rather take a seat than dance." So the guy humbly returns to his chum. "So what did she say?" asks the chum. The under the effect of alcohol replied, "She stated she's constipated on macaroni and can rather $hit in her pants."

Answer 8

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast
is clear."

Answer 9

A man takes his wife to a doctor. The doctor examines her, and comes out and tells the him "Im sorry, your wife either has the onset of Alsheimers or Aids". THe husband says, "cant you tell?" tthe doctor says "Not at the onset, they are both similar". THe husband says "Doctor , what should I do now?" The doctor says, "Well, if I were you, Id take your wife far out in the country, and if she finds her way back....dont screw her".

Answer 10

Read and think----"I am what I am, if you know what I am, I am no longer"

I'am giving you the answer coded, so try to guess it first.
Answer: i am a 18-9-4-4-12-5
Each number is a letter of the alphabet