As an adult how do you deal with the urge to run away from home?

Question

I am a Step parent in a bad situation.... ex wife makes everything extremely hard she stirs up trouble all the time and plays kids against their dad. I am stuck in the middle because I encourage Dad to not be their friend but their Father. We share custody 50/50 with their Mom and when they are with her their are no consequences for their actions. Kids are 14 and 8 we only have trouble with the 14 year old. When it is her week he has been picked up for being with a Gang, suspended from school on 7 different occasions, not to mention almost daily receiving referrals for being disruptive, disrespectful and argumentative towards teachers and other students. He lies, steals, manipulates all the family against each other, tries to hurt other people on purpose. He enjoys other peoples pain. I am on medication to help deal witht he stress but it is out of control. I feel like I want to run away from home. I hate my home the week he is with us. But his little brother is the opposite.

Answer 1

I would sit down with my partner explain that things need to change and if they don't I will be running away every 2nd week and I would go even if I had to sleep in a tent at a caravan park. If the two of you can come up with some strategies to deal with the 14 yr old u then need to tell him the rules and follow through if he can't follow the rules he is not welcome it is a simple as that get proffesional help via counselling as well
Good Luck

Answer 2

He's like that because of the way he has been raised. The other was young enough to not be swept up. Your husband needs to realize that his job as a parent is to prepare the kid to have a successful adult life, he's not doing that now, he gets out in the world and acts this way and he's going nowhere but to prison. Is that what he wants for him? They need to grow up and get their poop in a group post haste or this kid is doomed to a miserable life. Your husband probably doesn't see it that way and probably doesn't know what to do. Get a good parenting book and make some rules. If he refuses to do it tell him you can no longer sit by and watch while this kids life is flushed down the toilet, not to mention that you are becoming physically ill over the stress of the situation. Hubby needs to get his priorities straight and wake up unless he wants the little one to behave the same way when he gets older. This is sad but it happens so often in divorces. People get so caught up in their own crap that they drop the ball on the parenting front and sometimes the child can never recover from that. He's 14 there is still time but not much. Perhaps making a clear plan, clearly worded rules and pre set consequences for those actions, then there is no question for the kid or the parent. But for you don't allow yourself to be made sick because of the stupidity and childishness of these two people, once stress makes you sick it can take you years, and some people never do, fully recover from it...I've been there and done that. So either your husband straightens up and starts being a parent (after 14 years its about time) or you do the only thing you can and save yourself.

Answer 3

I'm sorry you have to deal with this! If this is effecting your health too the point of needing medication than you have to do something! Start with your husband. If he's allowing this "childs" behavior in his house that's wrong. He needs to take control! THE BOY IS "ACTING OUT" BECAUSE HE IS ANGRY AT HIS DAD{ FOR LEAVING HIS MOM AND HIM}.HE'S DOING THIS FOR ATTENTION! IT'S A CRY , LOOK AT ME I'M HURTING AND YOU PEOPLE DON'T GIVE A DAMN! SURE HE GET SATISFACTION OUT OF SEEIING OTHER PEOPLE HURT{ PROBABLY YOU MOST OF ALL!} HE PROBABLY LOOKS AT YOU AS THE REASON HIS MOM AND DAD AREN'T TOGETHER! Can you , his Dad, and him try counciling as a group? You're going to need to get serious help for and with this boy! First I think you ought to talk about this with your husband. He might not be able to do this by himself even if he wants to! It sounds like your decision is, am I strong enough to stand by and be there to help my husband get through this or if your already thinking of leaving, do I leave!? I can't tell you to leave and I cant tell you to stay, that's something "you" have to decide! Has dad and son ever had any "alone" time together since dad and mom divorced!? Maybe they need "alone" time together for awhile so they can get back on track and dad and son can get counciling together! He's not there that often so maybe it would just be easier if you weren't there the times that the son was there, if you had someplace else to go? That might work better for you than moving out!Maybe during that time you and your husband could go together for your own counciling sessions, it would help you both to understand whats going on and you would be together strengthening your marriage! I've been a step parent myself and i've been through a similar situation, although not the same. I know what you're going through! If you love your husband and he loves you , it's all about "communication"! You've got to put the anger aside,and find the reasons that will keep you together! Don't "hate" the boy for what he's doing , he's hurting too! It's his hurt that causing your hurt! DOn't "hate" him, love him like he was your own, and someday when he's a man and has it all figured out in his head , he'll remember that you didn't walk away, you stuck by him! I hope this helps , I care!

Answer 4

Have you considered counselling, try the samritarans they are amazing at giving good advice and it is free to call, they do not judge...I work with kids from disruptive and disrupted backgrounds and often their poor behaviour and outrageous antics is due to them not really feeling as though they have any control in their lives. Thier bad behaviour is the only thing they have control over...This could be a cry for help because they cannot cope with the constant moving and never settling in one place...I know it is hard but have you tried bonding just you two, getting to know why this person acts in such a way. Maybe discussing your fears and problems with your partner may help as you obviously cannot go on like this, it is not good for you, the children and especially your relationship. Maybe your partner and you need to start a system of positive discipline not negative discipline. Which means rewarding them when their good and ignoring them when their bad instead of the common usage of punishing bad behaviour and ignoring good behaviour as it is simply expected. have a go it can't get any worse than it is.

Answer 5

maybe a holiday would help. it doesnt have to be anything massive but it might help to develop the basics of a relation/ friendship between you and your stepson. if he feels that you and his dad are on his side and are there for him even through the bad times, his attitude might change, at least when he is with you. even if a holiday achieves nothing else it might aleviate some of your stress and worry? you obviously need a break, as this isn't a healthy situation as stress levels keep rising. i think that your stepson might be acting like this because he doesnt know how to cope with the break up of his mum and dad and then he has to adjust to a stepmum, and if his brother is so well behaved and gets attention for being good, he might be a little jealous and feel left out. it will be a struggle but showing him that you love him will slowly change his attitude towards life. he probably enjoys others pain because it makes him forget his own.

Answer 6

Divorced parents is not an excuse for his behavior. There is no excuse for the behavior. Tough love, tough parenting, and get some help from the system. Or, you could sipmly not be at the home when he is there or tell the kid he's not welcome until he changes. There is absolutely no reason why you should be taken medication because of the stress of this kid. YOu also have the option to leave if dad isn't going to parent this kid and do something.

Answer 7

It's safe to say that hitting your stepson, as a punishment, will only compound the problem for his sake and quite possibly place you behind bars. Perhaps you should speak to a legal professional and a psychologist. The fact that he rides with a gang is an event which occurs outside of family affairs. Although, it is a family concern. For your stepson's sake-- moving is probably the best option, for starters. Kids can be grown up real fast, and, they're anything except durable in civil society. Although you should harp on him, harping can easily create a larger division between your stepson and his entire family; because he already has problems with finding acceptance. Watch that movie with Keanu Reeves and Steve Martin (circa 1988, Parenthood). Your stepsons problems are severe, but in what ways can he be similar to the kid named Kevin ?

Answer 8

All of the problems that this child is is summed up in the pain that he is going through because of his parents actions. I can assure you that his parents are not a good example for him and they are argumentative, abusive, disruptive, and disrespectful with each other. This is the whole problem with this child. He is hurting. The little brother is able to deal a little better right now. He will go through problems also if you and his parents don't learn to understand.and handle this better. You need to stay out of the discipline. The boys will only resent you.

You and your husband definitely need counseling to be able to cope and so that you will not go nuts. In counseling your husband and you will learn how to handle these boys. What you need to be doing and what you need not to be doing. Please get this help.

Answer 9

I sympathize with you, you have taken on a great burden. First, as hard as it will be, allow your husband to discipline his children. Of course, both of you set the ground rules for your home, but your husband should primarily enforce them. The 14 year old is acting out exactly as his mother wishes him to, in order to get revenge on you & your husband. All you can do is be consistent in your rules & expectations when he is in your home. In 4 years he can do as he wishes, move out or live with his mom full time. You need to seek the help of a family counselor, someone who can talk to the son alone, and with you all together, to help bring some sort of stability. You're trying to do the right thing, and you are to be commended for putting up with the situation. Just keep telling yourself that in 4 years it will be over.

Answer 10

I think the problem stems from the divorce of his parents. It is not always easy for a child to cope with the emotions involved. He may be blaming himself for the split.
The gang & bad behaviour at school is probably just his way of having control over something.
Try to spend as much time taking to & listening to him as possible. Reassure him that he has parents & stepparents who love him & are there for him whenever he needs them.
Never name call the ex partners in front of him & never try to get him to take sides.