My dad went behind my back to have a "man to man" talk with my fiance...HELP!?

Question

My father said some really negative things about marriage etc. My fiance and I are both adults (I'm 24 and hes 31) and I think this is too far. I understand a father's concern but my fiance and I are a team, we're a unit and I think we ought to be treated as such.

Answer 1

Be happy that you have a father who cares enough to have this talk with him. I understand the team thing but he didn't want you to have hurt feelings. He was looking out for his little girl. Go easy on him

Answer 2

Unfortunately your father knows that there are some items and subject matter that he cannot discuss with his daughter. Women just simply do not belong in certain conversations. Now whatever your fiance decides to share with you after that is information that you discuss as a "unit". Women do not belong in a man-to-man discussion. Women cannot handle some of the things that men discuss.

Your father has just as much concern for your fiance as he does for you. That is a GOOD thing. Understand that your father will continue to have many more private conversations with your soon to be husband. Trust that these discussions are for your benefit and for the benefit of your marriage. You ought to be glad that your father takes the time to talk to your fiance. Many father's don't give a rat's @$$ about the guy who is going to marry their daughter. Being that he is giving him the reality talk its better that he marries you knowing what he is in for than for him to marry you only to be surprised and then all of a sudden he wants a divorce.

Answer 3

Here's some advice from a 45 year old married man.

You can't change your father - but after 24 years living as his daughter, you already know that. But consider this - how "out of line" was your dad to share his opinions with his future son-in-law? Was he really trying to convince (or coerce) him that marriage to you would be a bad thing? Or simply sharing his REAL opinions from his own experience?

What I'm saying essentially is this - anything your father says should not be able to substantially effect your fiance's commitment to you or marrying you...and if your father CAN change his mind, is he really ready to get married?

BTW, yes, you're a team...but you're also individuals. If you guys get married, you should realize that eventually your husband will be defining and building his own individual relationship with each member of your family - and that's his responsibility and right to do so.

Just some food for thought.

Answer 4

Is your father putting money etc towards this wedding? If so then don't you think he's paid for, and has a RIGHT to some time and an opinion? In your fiance's and your opinion, he said negative things. To someone with more life experience who's been married for years he probably spoke REALITY. You two probably know about a paragraph or two about married life. Your father and mother can speak VOLUMES!
So, what qualifies you to judge???

Answer 5

If you are getting married, your fiance is entering into a long term relationship not only with you but with your family. In that relationship, he has to relate to your family members as an individual, not just in tandem with you. It sounds like you are offended because you were not included. The only thing that matters is if your fiance was offended. I've been married for 24 years, but I don't expect everyone to always treat my husband and me as a unit. Your dad felt he had something to say to your future husband. It's up to your fiance to determine what, if anything, he wants to do with your dad's opinion. You're going to have to work out your own relationship with your fiance's parents, especially his mom, a woman-to-woman relationship that can sometimes be difficult.

Answer 6

You are absolutely right! It's difficult to set boundaries with parents, but you HAVE to. It will be worse once you have children if you don't take care of it now. You need to lovingly tell your father that he needs to treat you and your fiance like a team. You can't deal with one without the other. Don't dishonor your father by being arrogant, but stay firm in what you want to accomplish. Write out what was wrong about it and be prepared for him to feel somewhat offended. Parents always want to parent and they don't like letting go of that. Have some consideration for him when you talk. Try to imagine how he feels losing his girl. Let him know he's not really losing you but gaining a son. Also be kind.

Answer 7

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Answer 8

It's kind of good that your dad talked to your fiance about marriage, even if there were some negatives, as long as he was trying to make your fiance think through some important things and not trying to talk him out of marrying you. My father NEVER talked to my fiance before I married. It was hurtful to see he didn't care. Now that I'm married, it's great having my husband to confront my father "man to man" if my father ever does think he's in control of us.

Answer 9

man to man talk is okay, he's just telling him how marriage is going to be like, and the negative stuff your dad told him is for him to keep in mind that marriage isn't just all about love and happiness, there are bad times too and have to go through it, because you can't give up marriage that easily, your dad's just wanting you to have a successful marriage.

I'm glad my parents told me about how to look for a good guy when I was younger, they're 20 years older than us, and therefore they have more experience in this society and they've seen more than us, I'm 21 and I'm married for 2 months and half, and I already know that marriage should last for a life time, when there's a problem you HAVE to work it out, because divorce isn't the answer to everything aside from the cheating, lying. I meant the bigger problems, like money for example. So, be glad that your dad's talking to your fiance about the problems that may be arise in a marriage. Giving up on marriage too easily, is just like giving up your life too easily, you come in to this world is to solve problems. So best luck to you with your future husband, and congratulations!

Answer 10

I think he thinks your fiance is too old for you. And your father seems like an old-fashioned guy. Make sure your fiance makes it clear that he's considered the issues your father raised and doesn't feel they're important. That's the best way to get over this situation without angering or alienating anyone.