What would you do??

Question

I have a 17 yr old and a 14 yr old daughters. I am divorced, My ex doesn't pay his suppoert payments and I qork 40-60 hrs a week. My two children who sit on their butts and do nothing won't clean the house are disrespectful fight all the time don't have summer jobs... I have been slacking because I am so tired from work yelling punishing they try to treat me like their father did I won't tolerate it, they are mad cause I have a boyfriend and the only time I do stuff with him is when they are at their dad's house and he does things with them as well video games camping hanging out he loves them to death they seem to put on a front. We had a big fight because i came home and the house was half way cleaned I had told them if they didn't get it together they would go to live with their dad well i cracked i called their dad and told him to come pick them up he heard no more support and flew I am feeling horrible why do I feel like I've let them down?? on top of it all my mom is very sick

So what to do? do i get them back do I let them learn , i don't even know if they will??? Any one else have this problem or been thru it??? Any suggestions greatly appreciated and much welcomed.
Thank You.

Well, Does their dad love them yes i am sure no I don't talk bad about their dad, he has a new family and pretty much all they do over their is take care of two kids and clean he doesn't spend time with them and they complain that he is not their dad anymore that is why i as a last resort told them shape up or go live w/ dad. No my 14 yr old doesn't have to get a job but if she wants extras she has to work for it I don't have money for extra's and I don't think sitting in front of a video game or tv is healthy for either of them a part- time job can only help my 14 yr old to understand responsibility. My 17 yr old dropped out of school against my wishes, promised to get a job and do her ged on line niether has happened and i am not complaining about working I have always worked since they were babies the point being I am not home during the day, shouldn't they be responible enough at their age to get their chores and laundry done?? And not leave it for me???

Answer 1

you and he have different parenting views. if they live with him there isn't too much that you can do about how he does it. try not to fret about things you have no control over. if the girls come back, set rule, assign chores. i know you have no control over them when you aren't home. but you do not have to pay for cable or the phone or even the Internet. my mom is having similar problems with my much younger siblings. (they are in their teens, i am in my thirties). she takes the modem (cable based phone, Internet) with her to work. if they want the luxuries back; they have to earn them. you should not have to do everything. they are certainly old enough to help and understand. the 17 yr old is on a the wrong path for sure. be very strict with her. no GED, no job? well, nowhere free to live. be firm and strong. you have a lot on your plate. you have not failed and you are not alone. feel good about where you are in life and about what you have accomplished so far. hope i have helped. best of luck to you. what does your boyfriend say? does he have any suggestions? by the way, you do not have to live your entire life for your children. you are entitled to to have some time and pleasure for yourself.
sorry about your mom. hope she will be ok.

Answer 2

Honestly, from what you've written. Maybe it's best they stay where they are- and not as punishment. Your 14 year old daughter doesn't need a job, she's still a kid and should be having fun, she can jump on the hamster wheel when she's older. Your 17 year old is not obligated to get a summer job, although it would benefit her. Don't most adults work 40-60 hours a week, I have a 2 year old and I sure do, sometimes more. You also mention that "they try to treat me like their father did"- which sounds like you not only talk bad about their father to them, but that you compare their bad behavior to his.

At this age, (or any age) they aren't going to accept your boyfriend fully. They had a father, you were a family, and their lives drastically changed. Divorce happens, it's a bad thing, but sometimes it's inevitable. What is also inevitable are your kids' feelings of instability. When your family breaks up, how can you feel secure? You have every right to have a boyfriend and move on, but they still love their dad and are in the middle. Don't expect them to move on at the same speed you are able to. If they like their dad, then it isn't a slight against you.

You used living with their father as a threat. You called their dad to come get them. If he came and got them, then it shows that he loves his children. Also, sorry to hear about your mom. It sounds like you have a great deal of stress in your life and could use a break! Perhaps the time with their dad is in their best interest. It could put things back in perspective for you. Take care of yourself first otherwise you won't be able to care for your mom or your two daughters. A little break can help calm your nerves so that you can collect yourself and come back with a new perspective.

Answer 3

You may take comfort in the fact that one day your children will be parents with children of their own and they will look back and wonder how the heck you put up with them.
That said - I would try and restrict all mess to their rooms. Anything that they leave around the house can go in the garbage or on the front lawn (that's what my mom did) and it helps keep it tidy. I am sure that they rely on you for some sort of money or luxury to support their leisure and say with hold this until you are satisfied with the effort around the house. In the meantime visit the flylady.net and see if she has any suggestions to help get the house organized and see if their are some routines you can all implement. Plus they may find that living with Dad is no picnic and learn a lesson. Good Luck.

Answer 4

You need to get them back and start making them behave. It sounds like their father isn't going to make them do anything, and kids today have it way too easy. Take away anything that matters to them. At this age it's probably money, computer, music, car, dates, whatever means the most to them. They will then see you mean business. I hope this helps you, my daughter is only 7, but she doesn't listen, so I took her favorite things away and she wanted them back, so she had to do what I said to earn them back. I wish you the best of luck!!
p.s. you deserve time for you and your boyfriend. Don't let them make you feel bad about spending time with him. It's good for your sanity!! :)

Answer 5

Try to connect with your daughters.Ask them how they fell.Alot of times when parents divorce they don't realise that the kidshurt too.It is time for the 17 year old to get a job incorage her let her know that you only want the best.And don't let go of a good relationship you could have with the 14 year old before it is too late.

Answer 6

sounds like you have me and my brother for children. My mother always grounded us and had us do lines as punishment...she also made us get summer jobs and cut us off completely financially....we used to think she was such a horrible mom but in the end when we grew up we both realized that we wouldn't be as responsible and we wouldn't be good people like we are now....so be stern and it will hurt and all but know you are doing it for them....and they will realize in the end how lucky they are to have you as a mom. We did with ours.

drew

Answer 7

Let them learn.
Not only for themselves, but for you too!
You need a break, and if living with their father is how to get it, then by all means.
If you don't do something, you'll end up hating them, and vice versa.
I think it sounds like you've done a good job here.

Answer 8

I understand that you want to teach them a lesson so don't break down. Kids that age will just run you over and over if you don't back up what you say! Teach the the lesson that way they know that you mean bussiness! good luck

Answer 9

take a deep breath. set very strict rules. for example: if they dont follow your rules, say "come on, test me." and if they still dont cooperate, ban them from doing whatever they were doing. you are in control, and show them that by being confident and whatever you say goes. dont let them walk all over you.

Answer 10

My mom always told me to pray about stuff. God listen to everbody just tell him and he will work it out. he will anwser your pray may god bless ya