how do you handle a partner who wants to be a house wife and mother but refuses to do the domestic cleaning?

Question

my partner and I have a five month old baby and I work for 10 hours each day to provide.A while back I asked my partner if she would prefer to work or to look after the house. we have been living togther fo 3 years now and after numorous conversations about her responsibilities i still feel as if im doing everything i really dont know what to do can anyone give advice

Answer 1

My husband and I deal with the same problem, we both don't like to clean, but we both want a clean house, therefore we clean together.. we put some music on, on the weekend, we make a great meal, mostly in the oven, and when we do it together, time flies.. and everything is done faster.. we feel more together.. but as soon as we can afford it, we're gonna pay for someone to come and clean.. we would rather work a little more, and pay someone to do the cleaning..

Answer 2

You have a 5 month old baby, your house is never going to be spotless again, sorry to have to break it to you this way...kids are messy. You can spend all day cleaning up...and there will still be mess.

Personally speaking I'm glad if the place is just clean and hygenic, mess i can take or leave, with kids around- it's just going to happen.

Give your partner a break, a few newspapers on the floor or dishes in the sink should not be causing a major rift in your relationship. There is more to life, and I'm sure she has her hands full being a mum.

It isn't easy for women when they become a mother, they do not instinctively know what to do. She probably feels your resentment and feels pressured and distressed by it. If you feel your arrangement is injust, then perhaps each of you should work part time. Or if you think she isn't doing a good enough job, why don;t you stay at home and keep the house to your standards while she works?

You have to put this into perspective- i think there are underlying problems here which have nothing to do with the housework. I suggest that you talk to her without laying blame and looking at what you can do that is positive and helpful for eachother. It could be that she feels overwhelmed, or may even be suffering from depression.

I suggest you are gentle and understanding, having a baby brings about many practical and emotional changes in a couple's life together and mess does not qualify as a major disturbance

you may find this website helpful in advising you on positive means of communication and conflict solution

http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/

best wishes

S
x

Answer 3

I am a housewife and mother of three - youngest one is 5 months old. I cook, do laundry, dishes, shop and look after the kids as well volunteer at the kids school a lot. I do not clean - I have a cleaning service come in once every other week. I do no thave time to celan the house the way I like it kept. Taking care of the kids alone is a full time job (24/7 without evenings off or weekends) and the lack of sleep I get with the 5 month old makes it very hard to stay focused and alert during the day. I would give her a break until the baby has started preschool. Then it is a different story as she will actually have some time to herself. Remember that if she is spending the day with the 5 month old, feeding, playing, taking care of them, she is doing something far more important than cleaning a house.

Also, from the tone of your message you sound like you are her boss who has giben her a job description, it might help if you talked to her as an equal and try to understand her side as well. You may be surprised to find out she is frustrated by not being able to get eveything done that she wants to - I sometimes sit down at night and try to figure out what happened to my day - I was busy the entire time but nothing got done.

Answer 4

What you don't realise is how hard it is sometimes to look after babies. I'm not making excuses for your partner, but can understand maybe she's tired too. How many times do you come home from your 10 hour shift and ask... 'have you had a good day', or do you just launch into a 'cleaning' conversation...there really is more to a womans life than cooking and cleaning, though sometimes people tend to forget that.
Good luck with it anyway.... I have to say when I was younger, I didn't refuse to clean, but with 3 young children, never actually found the time...but the kids were happy to have a mom that had time for them. One more thing, if you continue to do everything, there are some people that will just let you do it, maybe you've set the trend yourself here...

Answer 5

Well a baby can be enough work in itself.

I have this problem with my other half. I've been off work sick with my pregnancy (I'm 6 months pregnant) and he's always having a go about the state of the house. To be honest I often don't feel well enough to do mammoth cleaning sessions and when I do my backache just gets so much worse. Although do I feel guilty and try to do a bit everyday.

I think its going to get worse when the baby is here because new babies take a lot of getting used to and housework may have to take a back seat for a while.

I think you should try to support her. Its fair for her to look after the house if you're at work but if she's struggling to cope with the baby as well then you shouldn't expect too much of her. Its still early days yet.

Answer 6

PREFER TO WORK I don't care if you are working 15 hours a week unless you have done it there is nothing harder then staying home with a 5 month old baby AND doing all the chores it is next to impossible, now when the baby is older things will get easier so right now but advise get on a routine, help with small things, hire someone to come in once in a while, have someone babysit one day and you both can clean from top to bottom then stay on top of it. You are a very valuable part of this family and I commend you but please never think that being a stay at home mom is not work it is hard I have done both.

Answer 7

get a maid?
i dont really think its fair that she's expected to take care of the baby all day AND clean the house. you guys need to share the responsability. having a young baby is tiring and hard work. when i was born, until i was about 1, my mom had to option once a day, for only 15 minutes, to either take a shower or vaccuum a room in the house before i would wake up. that was the only 15 minutes i slept. at all. she opted for the shower.

for now, i'd say maybe just leave the house work to the weekends when you can both help out with cleaning and the baby. until then, she needs support. she's probably tired and doesnt want to feel like she's cleaning up after you AND the baby all day.

Answer 8

It seems to me that you haven't yet come to terms with the fact that you have a BABY! (Girl or boy?). The choice you gave your partner: work or look after the house - where does look after the baby come into that?

What is this obsession you have with the domestic cleaning? As long as the environment is safe and clean for the baby (no. 1 priority) and for you, ie, not actually toxic, let it ride.

And if you need to work 10 hours a day to provide for your family, you have little time left to enjoy your (son? daughter?). Don't clean - play with your kid! And give your partner a break. Play with the baby so she can have a chance to take a shower, do her hair, have a nap. She's the mother of your child, not your housekeeper.

Answer 9

Ask her if she's unsatisfied with being at home and would like to get back into the work force. Some people just aren't cut out for domestic life. If she says "no, she likes staying at home" have a conversation with her about how tired you are after getting home from work and if she wouldn't mind keeping the house up alittle better. Just be nice about it or she'll freak out and say "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HARD IT IS BEING HOME WITH A BABY ALL DAY???!!!" Believe me, I stay home with a 5-month-old myself except I pride myself on keeping the house very neat and taking care of the finances, etc. She is probably a little depressed about the social isolation & needs some adjustment time. Don't be too hard on her:o)

Answer 10

Learn to chill out!!!! You missus has a tiring job as I'm sure you have yourself: Even if she does do the housework, in a year or two's time your little one is going to be trashing the house constantly: And everytime you tidy the little one will untidy (That's a kids written rule) So chill out: Try and be more patient and think about the fact that it's only small stuff that's blowing out of proportion:
Realise that you have a partner, a five month old baby, a roof over your head and a job: Boy......in reality , your a lucky man.