I caught them kissing in her room,what should I do?

Question

My wife died 7 years ago.We had a daughter Madeline(age 7)and a son Jeremy(age 2).A few years ago I married again.My new wife had 3 kids.Now the children are Charles(15),Madeline(14),Rose(12),Jeremy(9) and Alison(7).They all get on really well with each others.A few days ago I caught Charles and Madeline kissing and touching each other in Madeline's room(the girls share one room and the boys share another).According to law they are brother and sister but actually they don't have common parents.I asked them and they told me they love each-other and they have the right to be a boyfriend and a girlfriend.Anyway I don't know how should I react.I think it's wrong but can I prevent it somehow?Or maybe they will like eahc-othe for a few months and then will stop?Tell me what do you think.

Answer 1

Basically you've gotten yourself into a bad situation. You should have discuss the possibility of something like this happening when you all moved in together. Good Luck to you!

Here is an article that might help:

Stepbrother + Stepsister = Trouble
When Hormones Rage in Stepfamilies With Teens
By Lisa Cohn

You're the parent of a healthy teenaged boy, and you just married the parent of an attractive teenaged girl. The teenagers are suddenly living in the same house together. They're checking each other out and soliciting opinions from friends about how they should interact with this appealing member of the opposite sex.

Any healthy teenage boy thinks, 'She's cute, and we live together. What are my buddies going to think?'" says Margorie Engel, Ph.D., president and chief executive officer of the Stepfamily Association of America, based in Lincoln, Neb. "And she's thinking, 'He's cute, and he's nice, and should he be my boyfriend?' They are conflicted about what their relationship can or should be."

In traditional families, natural taboos generally prevent teenagers from experimenting with sex: Boys know they shouldn't get involved with their sisters, says Engel. Sometimes teens who have been living with stepsiblings for many years instinctively feel these taboos. But in new stepfamilies, such taboos don't exist. When teens' hormones are raging, the teenagers can become confused about how they should interact with opposite-sex stepsiblings – and even with stepparents. That's especially true if they're feeling pressure from friends to become romantically involved with their steprelatives, Engel says.

Clarify
Parents in stepfamilies and dating single parents should be aware of the potential for sexual attraction between stepsiblings. They need to clarify and communicate their values about how they want their teens to behave, and should take steps to prevent their teens from becoming romantically involved with one another, experts say.

Sexual relationships between teenaged stepsiblings can lead to long-term pain, says Patricia Papernow, Ed.D., a psychologist in Hudson, Mass., and author of the book, Becoming a Stepfamily (Analytic Press, 1993). That's because family members can't simply walk away from one another after a breakup. They'll be forced to face each other again and again at family events, perhaps for their rest of their lives.

"I had a patient who had a relationship with a stepsibling as a teenager," Papernow says. "That person is now an adult. The relationship was devastating for my patient. The couple broke up, and the person couldn't tell anyone what had happened. The stepsiblings were thrown together over and over again in the same family. No one knew how they were suffering."

To help stepteens avoid such painful experiences, parents should, first of all, be clear about their expectations. It's helpful if all the parents in an "extended stepfamily" – both sets of biological parents and all stepparents – agree on their values about sex and attraction, says Peter Gerlach, MSW, a therapist who specializes in stepfamilies in Oak Park, Ill. In some rare cases, parents may feel that it's OK for stepsiblings to become involved with one another, given that they're not related by blood, he says. That may be especially true of stepsiblings who don't live together on a day-to-day basis.

"Some parents may think if stepteens act sexually with one another, it's no different than teens living in separate homes," he says. However, given the potential for long-term pain, most experts recommend that parents discourage sexual relationships between stepsiblings.

Communicate
Talking about sex to teens is not always easy, though, says Papernow. To communicate their values about this issue, parents should consider making "public service announcements," she says. This type of communication doesn't require the teens to respond directly, but lets teens know how parents feel about a particular issue.

"You might say, 'We have a lot of people from different families of different sexes, and here's how we will handle it,’" says Papernow.

If new stepparents aren't sure about their values, they ought to visit with a counselor to establish a plan for their family that addresses such issues, says Stacy D. Phillips, a family law attorney with Phillips, Lerner and Lauzon LLP in Los Angeles. "You need a plan for creating a whole new family, and you need to decide what the rules and boundaries will be," she says. "When you have teens, you need to impose new boundaries on kids whose hormones are raging."

The stepfamily plan should focus on providing for privacy, says Papernow. That may mean ensuring opposite-sex stepsiblings don't share bathrooms, she says. "If there's a way for 15-year-old boys and their stepsisters not to share a bathroom, absolutely," Papernow says. "Sometimes there isn't, and you could make a schedule about who gets to use a bathroom when."

Papernow notes that many stepfamilies don't consider creating separate private spaces for stepsiblings in houses; they often try to "blend" kids together in an effort to create a "traditional" family. "People have the wish or idea, 'If we are thrown together, we will be one big blended family,'" she says. "That can exacerbate the tension. It doesn't support what people need to create a stepfamily. The sexuality issue makes it too hard."

Positive Steps
Rather than insisting on acting like a traditional family, it's a good idea to treat steprelatives like "guests" when you're trying to decide how family members should be clothed at home, says Papernow. That means teens and adults should embrace modesty. "People need to be fully clothed, not running around in towels," she says.

In other efforts to keep teenage hormones in check, parents should avoid creating opportunities for stepsiblings to experiment with sex, says Engel. Don't leave teenaged stepsibling alone at home together, she says. "Don't ask a 15-year-old boy to baby-sit for his well-developed, 11-year-old stepsister," she says. "Don't give them the room and space to experiment, especially if they feel pressure from their peers."

Engaged single parents may even consider delaying their wedding if they suspect sexual attraction between their teenagers, Engel says. Parents should take such steps to help ensure their teenagers don't get involved in relationships they'll really regret later and that could cause the whole family pain. However, parents should also understand that adult stepsiblings sometimes fall in love with one another, and when your children and stepchildren are adults living outside your home, that's their decision.

"There's nothing wrong when adult stepsiblings suddenly discover they love each other," Engel says. "I have heard of quite a number of cases of this."

Answer 2

I'm concerned for more than one reason, as I'm sure you are. What I'm worried about most is that relationships for kids of those ages are not long term, and are often fraught with painful emotions upon breakup. This is especially true the more sexually intimate the relationship is. Once they've broken up though, there's nowhere for them to go. They live in the same house, of course.

Ideas to stop them:
1. Family and individual counseling.
2. Hire someone to watch the house when you're not there (though, truly they could go somewhere else if they wanted).
3. Make one or both get a job, to keep them busy and out of the house. There are jobs for kids of those ages (babysitting, cleaning at a bed and breakfast, or lawn mowing to name a few). Consider volunteer jobs as well. Volunteering somewhere like Planned Parenthood or an unwed mothers home may help them realize the potential consequences of their actions.
4. Sign them up for after-school sports or programs at their respective schools.
5. Have them hear other kids talk about their painful breakup experiences. Maybe hearing how hard a breakup is from their peers will get them to stop?
6. Send the oldest, Charles, on a short exchange abroad. Some programs are semester long, while others are six weeks. When he gets back, send Madeline somewhere for a unique education experience (perhaps Outward Bound?). http://www.outwardboundwilderness.org/

Take care, and make sure you get the support you need during this difficult time.

Answer 3

They won't stop. I personally do not consider this as incest, i don't see same blood being mix together. If they want to live together, they should move in the future to another city and use different names. Your daughter should carry your last name and this boy should take the last name of his mother or biological father. This is only way to trick the law. Good luck.
P.S. Same type of a situation you can see in the movie "The Royal Tenenbaums" rent the DVD and watch just to understand them a bit... Imagine that your daughter met this boy before you knew his mother. Than you felt in love with his mother. Can they stop you seeing that woman? No. They would go on with their life and you will start your own. I'm afraid counseling would do more emotional damage to them than it already has. By the way you do not have children with this woman, so it doesn't make you or children anyhow blood related. You task is now to avoid the possibility of having a child together with his mother.

Answer 4

Your question really didn't make any sense...you messed up on the ages and the names. If Charles and Madeline are biologically brother and sister that's wrong and I suggest you seek counseling for both of them. If they are step-brother and sister...then I think you should sit them down and explain that they do live under the same roof and that you would like them stay away from each other because things can get complicated in such an environment...I don't even think your family situation is at all true though because you didn't even gets names or ages correct.
-Lindsey

Answer 5

That's a tough one. True, they don't have the same parents, however they are living under the same roof (which could be a little too convenient for them). You don't want to have to deal w/ the added drama if they become intimate and she becomes pregnant. I would recommend stopping it now, simply because she is so young and impressionable still. Tell her that she can make that decision when she is 18 and moves out. I know that's a lot easier said and done, but the only other thing I can recommend is to send them to counseling. If they truly believe nothing is wrong with it, they won't mind speaking to a professional adult about it together. Best of luck with everything.

Answer 6

I think you have an impossible situation, no they are not legally related. But they also live together. I mean you are talking a potential problem here. Maybe a little birth control would be in order. Even if things haven't gone that far it may. And you cant watch your kids all the time. Ideally one could go live with the other parent for a while, but it doesn't look like you really have that option either. Oh my. Well good luck. I am sorry I cant really be any help.

Answer 7

I thought and thought about this and I just do not have an answer in view that they (Madeline and Charles) are not blood related. They are both YOUNG but what concerns me more is that Madeline is ONLY 7 and that is where you can really step your foot down.

I would ground both of them... talk to them of course and explain the age consequences and that you and your wife will NOT permit this type of relationship. Your new wife, of course, has to agree.

I do not think it proper in any way there is because due entirely to age. I really feel that once these two get into school more, they will drop what they are doing and move on... In other words, I do NOT feel that their feelings will Last a long time.

Answer 8

Oh wow do you have a problem on your hands. I came from a family of 7 kids, my mother died, and my dad remarried a woman with 7 kids as well. We had problems that I just as well forget, which are similar to yours ,but without counseling it isn't possible. Have you talked with your wife about it? What does she say. I'd say you all sit down and discuss it rationally (the 4 of you). Don't push too hard, or they will try their hardest to do what they think is right. They are at the most critical years of teenage development, just starting to seek the other sex out....it just may be a passing thing. Sounds to me though that you need to talk to a counselor, and then all of you should.

Answer 9

poor man sound like a bad situation. Talk to her about pregnancy and stuff if need be get her on birth control if they sneak and kiss and touch they will bring in sex at some point if they have not. I would highly disapprove also THEY WILL do that no matter what you say. The more you disapprove the more they may sneak anyway. Get them birth to a counselor also have you and your wife tell them that it is not acceptable. IN THE END you may not stop it so protect against having your daughter get pregnant!

Answer 10

Listen the only thing I can tell you is tell them to wait till 16 the law says that's the age for dating. And Love is a really hard thing to prevent I mean imagine yourself in this same possision do u think u could stop ur love? For now just let them be but keep an eye out ok? Just don't let them cross the line u put down.

Answer 11

u do have problem. the 2 of u should tell the 2 of them the facts of life. all ways talk on an even level. all in a legal sense, peer or in the eyes of their friends. how will they see it. then how will society see it. let them research it together so there is no bias on your part. tell them to keep their hormones in check as well. before they do something they will regret for the rest of their lives. discuss this every couple of days. go easy. if they are smart they should come around to the right path. that right path may not be what u expect but for them it will be so..........please let me know what happens just being curious.