Does anyone else feel this way?

Question

I don't feel that I have a bond with my 4 year old son. From the day he was born, I haven't really felt a connection. My heart was set on having a girl but when it turned out to be a boy my heart was broken. Now he drives me crazy and we don't get along very well. I feel nothing emotional for him. Does anyone else feel the same way?

Answer 1

I know how you feel. My first son looked like my father in law and my brother. Need I say more? I did not bond with him at all. He was an awful baby, intense, hated his car seat-cried in it. I used to want to drive into a tree. He wouldn't nurse and he took forever to drink from a bottle. I even had post partum depression. I didn't start to like him until he was around 8 months. To top it off, he was getting out of his car seat at 51/2 mo, crawling. Going up and down stairs at 7 months and walking at 91/2. Good times. I too, was desperate for a girl. So, when I found out I was having another boy I cried for 2 months. When he was born he was the complete opposite of the other one and is a complete joy. It wasn't until I had him, that I accepted them both for who they were and not what I wanted them to be. I am still desperate for a daughter. My husband and I are planning to spin sperm to get one because I feel I will not be complete without a girl. I think I will love and appreciate my boys more, once I have my girl. Please forgive yourself for having these feelings and try to move on. My girlfriend told me God gave me sons so that I could raise them right into wonderful husbands and fathers, like the one I married. Maybe, but its very painful to be at the Nutcracker Ballett with my sister and niece, seeing all these little girls with their Moms and being at gymnastics and seeing the same. I have left baby stores in tears. Your feelings are real, however, realize your little boy loves his Mama, and you don't have the right to ruin his life psychologically by withholding love from him. I think you may need therapy to resolve these issues...it might really help you to realize that you do love him, and perhaps your issues have nothing to do with him. It might set you free from carrying around those feelings...it must be exhausting. I feel for you, for I've struggled with allowing myself to love my first boy. Plus, he's a real pain. But, he does have redeeming qualities and despite the fact that we are SO alike, he is my son and and I love him with all my heart. Go spin yourself a girl, get some therapy...it will change your life and hopefully your relationship with your little boy. Good luck.

Answer 2

It's pretty sad that you don't feel anything emotional for him. I know you wanted a girl badly, but he is still your child. He might feel the emotional detachment and act out on it to get your attention. Plus he is at the age where he is going to test you. You just need to take charge, set guidelines, and most of all spend some time with him. Maybe he will stop acting out.

And I'm sorry, but I totally disagree with Terra T. How can you compare a child with a diet coke? You must not have any kids. Getting a different gender than what you wanted is NOT, I REPEAT, NOT like getting the wrong soda. Give me a BREAK!! That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard anyone say! That little boy is your CHILD, and you are the only mommy he has! I raised my son on my own because I got divorced when he was a baby, and then his father left the state. He was a bit "unruly" and drove me crazy until he was about 5. I just say he had an extra-long "terrible 2's" stage. I love him very much, and he has grown to be quite a fine young man. (He will be 15 this month)

Answer 3

Your mind and heart being so set on your child being a girl is still on "why aren't you a girl?" mode. Even as a boy child, he is still "flesh of your flesh". It if affects you after this long, perhaps a counselor can help you but I want you to think about this: if you were told tomorrow that your son had cancer and 6 months to live, how would you react? That emotional bond would surface real quick! No doubt your heart would be broken and you'd do all you could to save your child. Look at him as a little person, totally dependant on you, his mom. Boys it seems especially, grow up closer to their moms. Hold him, rock him, play with him and drop the mindset that you wish he were a girl. It sure isn't going to happen now and fighting with him and being in a sense "standoffish" will only make him fight you more. He needs and wants your love & attention. Spend alone time with him..seems you need to get to know your son all over again. Remember that YOU are the mommy and that little person needs and loves you unconditionally...he needs you to feel the same. You will soon notice that maternal bond forming and lots of hugs instead of terrors from your son. Good luck!

Answer 4

We thought we were having a boy until 2 weeks before the birth... when I found out the baby was a girl my reply was "What the hell am I going to do with a girl?"... Now that she is 5, I can't imagine what I would have done with a boy!

I don't know that I'd blame the problem on having a male child... you likely would feel the same way with a female child.

I don't think it is "normal" per say... have you spoken to your doctor? Maybe your hormones are out of whack (not uncommon after having a child). There are varying degrees of postpartum depression and the longer it goes on without adressing the issue, the worse it gets.

At the very least, try to put yourself into your 4 year old place... how would it feel if you thought your Mom didn't love you? Perhaps this is the root of the problem... do you feel your Mom loved you?

.

Answer 5

NO, I wanted a girl to for my first child. Then yes, I found out it was a boy. I was a bit upset maybe for 5 min and then it went away! I love my boy now more than anything! I would never take him back now for the world. It sounds to me you may still have PPD. That never was fixed after the child was born! If you are feeling the way you are about your son. I suggest you get professional help! What you are feeling is not normal! No matter what the sex of the child turns out you should always have an emotional connection!

Please before it is too late for you and your son get help!

Answer 6

I once felt resentment when I discovered 2 different times that I wasn't having a girl after losing my second daughter but I got over it. You should seek professsional help for the way that you are feeling toward your son. It is not his fault and he has done nothing wrong and you are going to have to learn to come to grips that you have a son and be thankful that he is healthy and alive,some people are not so lucky. You don't want your son growing up hating you,get help before it's too late. I have one daughter and things are so peachy keen with her all the time since she was born disabled,so because a person has a daughter doesn't mean life will be 100% grand. But I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything in the world,my sons included. So get help for yourself so you can have the kind of loving relationship that you need with him. And for the record,you say that you don't feel anything emotional for him but I bet if he were in any kind of danger you would do whatever you could to save him so I don't buy it that you feel nothing for him,that's just your resentment talking.

Answer 7

I do sometimes but not have any emotion at all for him is strange. I wanted a boy and got a girl. But every time I look at her beautiful face I can't help but to love her. Sometimes I think I shouldn't of been a mother. I wanted her so badly and now that she's here I will love her unconditionally. It's just strange for me to have a child I waited til 35 years old and I'm really not use to the whole thing. Maybe we will find a connection sometime but I don't want to be her friend cuz I'm her mother. And I think that is why I'm having a hard time adjusting to her. I hope this is normal. Good Luck.

Answer 8

This is definetly a serious issue. It would be normal to feel a little awkward around your child for the first few months but 4 years is too long. Your son can absolutely feel the tension coming from you and that is not psychologically healthy for him. Do not by any means feel ashamed by this, it can happen, you are only human and emotions are not exactly controllable. But you do need to get help from a doctor or therapist because you could actually have a chemical imbalance or may even have post pardum depression. Please get help for this before you hurt yourself or your son...I mean emotionally, I would not accuse you of abuse. This can get better, you can learn to love the son you never wanted. Besides this sounds like even if you had a daughter you wouldn't be completly happy either.

Answer 9

I didn't feel an connection with my son but that was only because I never got the chance to enjoy my pregnancy and I wanted a girl also. But now that he is born I love him with all my heart.

It isn't right that you place your feelings about your son not being a girl on him. He can feel and see that. What type of man do you think he grow up to be if his mom doesn't love him.

Start spending time with him to try and get that bond now because the older he gets the harder it will be. Then maybe you should see someone about your feelings...Good Luck

Answer 10

that's sad. if you don't like the boy give it away!!! (so sad mommy doesn't like the boy) you should take a day of from work and spend time with him, go sit in the back yard share an ice cream, sit in a corner with him on you r lap and let him tell you the things he likes!!!! maybe you could slip in s few words like "name all the people you love" Or you can just have another and hope it's a boy!!! My aunt runns a daycare and there are 3 girls!!!! the first one is 6 years old then they tried again and it was a girl she is 3 then they tried once more it was anothey girl she is 1 year. they wanted one of them to be a boy but they still enjoy life. they don't wish one of them was gone!!! i am just saying yu probably feel like this because you have'nt bonded with him!!!