adopted and caught in the middle?

Question

i am 26 yrs old i was adopted along with my 2 brothers one of my brothers has passed away so now it is only me and my other brother my 2 moms just can't let go of the past and keep making us both feel bad when we to talk to one and not the other i am tired of this how can you tell 2 grown women grow up

Answer 1

Two moms? What? I guess my advice to you is that you are a grown man of 26, there is no need to be calling your moms anymore except on holidays.

Answer 2

I am assuming your "2 moms", is your biological parent and your "real parent"? Frankly, you are lucky that your able to have a relationship with your biological mother, many don't. I never had a relationship with my biological father, or for that matter, anyone on the paternal side of the family. Sad as well, I have a brother and sister out there I never knew or knew about, so again, you are privileged.
I can personally understand how this would be frustrating as hell, especially just losing a family member such as you did.
I know you must feel just like screaming at both of them right now running as far from all of it as possible. Grief is such a complex emotion and runs a gamete that is never the same, although it has the same stages just different ways and orders.
You don't mention how close the biological mother was to your or your siblings, so I will assume a relationship has been established for some time. If that is correct, then the level of her involvement in your life up to that time has been your "real mom's" privilege, not your biological mothers. Her loss of a child then through death is really a second loss; the first when she adopted you and your siblings out, or were taken away. However, the loss of your brother is your "real" mom's first loss of a child, and she must be devastated.
Your biological mother has already established her maternal instincts long ago, assuming your adoption was her choice regardless of the reasons, it was HER CHOICE. Your "real" mom however, made a choice as well, 'She choose YOU". Your biological mother is really doing something expected, 'She is remaining true to form". She is being selfish and yet again, thinking only of herself at this time with this tragedy. Your "real" mom who choose all of you, is not only grieving, she is in sincere fear that your biological ties to her will be strong enough that she will lose her "children" to someone whose only interest is in themselves, not you and your siblings.
You are an adult, and you have to take a stand on this issue and decide who deserves your attention now. Once you make that decision, you must clearly outline your position to the other and make it clear that your and your brothers feelings are valid and if they can't understand it, that is their problem not yours. You do not have to be cruel or mean, just firm.
With the one chosen, you must equally be firm. No more guilt trips if thats what they are, no more inquiries, no more insults or games. Again, not cruel, just firm.
Of course we don't know of your personal situation, but as an outsider in your story, you should see the gift you have been given. It is rare indeed to have a real mom and a biological mom in your life. as a final thought: "It is not who plants the seed, but who grows the tree that can enjoy it's fruits"
i am sorry for your loss

Answer 3

I too am adopted, and I feel for you. You cannot worry about them, do what you want that makes you feel good about yourself. They are playing you like pawns. You cannot change anybody but you, you need to do this for your own sanity and salvation.You have a very kind heart and you are trying to please everyone, this is not possible as you have seen. I would talk to each mother plainly and deliberately telling them how you feel and let the cards lay where they may. You may end getting hurt initially but in the patient longrun, you and your brother will come out the winners.

Answer 4

Sound like a lot of anger between these two ladies you need to sit them down and let them know how you feel and and try to get them to resovle their issues with each other.

goodluck

Answer 5

i was adopted when I was six years old, however I have always kept in contact with my foster parents, my adopted mother has always had a problem with this however, i keep my relationship with them, that is your choice, just remind them you love both and you refuse to choose, if they keep pressuring you then they both will lose you

Answer 6

well they obviously arent grown women if they dont know how to handle two poeple having a brother sister relationship. i mean, if they cared about you at all, they would love you either and try to de-stress your life, not add to it by bickering all day about you talking to your brother, wether he be blood or not....hope it helps

Answer 7

tell them they are being selfish and disrespectful...tell them your brother would be ashamed of both of them and they need to start living their lives with a better outllok and stop putting so much stress on you and your other sibiling.... and refuse to go around either of them until they stop..... they will adventually stop