Is it alright for a boyfriend to insist on a list of men I've slept with over the past 8 years?

Question

My boyfriend said he needed to know a list of men's names who I had been intimate with. I was not trying to hide anything, rather wanted experiences to come out as we got to know one another. 3 months after giving him my "list" he found one of the guys I had a casual fling with, had two conversations with him. I felt invaded and as if this was a violation of my privacy. We are both adults (~40) and tested negative for all stds.

He wanted to know all the names because he was worried he would run into them. He was worried that he'd be sitting at a bar talking about his g-friend and the guy next to him would say, oh, I slept with her. (My numbers are NOT that crazy!) And, he knew who my ex-boyfriends that mattered were and when we saw them, I would introduce them to one another (if appropriate) with my hand on my current boyfriend to show reassurance. It was AFTER that when he felt he needed the list.

The reason for 8 years worth is that is when I was divorced. Before that, he still wanted a general number all the way back to H.S.

Answer 1

Total invasion of your privacy. You should have walked away from him - either he wants to control be in control, or he is unbelievably insecure,... or both.

There are so many questions, I have a hard time writing them down. This just raises a lot of doubt about him.

What possibly could be his motivation????

Is there some kind of quantity aspect to it? Some threshold number where below, it's okay... and above, it's not?

You've already been intimate with other men. Once, twice - who cares how many times, or with who, or under what circumstances. It's irrelevant if you have both been tested.

Why 8 years? Why not 9 or 10? Or all the way back to your first time????? I just can't believe it.

Would you have felt the need to ask him the same questions? How would you know whether he was honest? You can't - he can lie.

IMO, this is a sign of an asymmetrical relationship.
What next is going to happen?

I am *really* not sure this guy is worth it... do you think you can you return to some kind of balance if you ask him for his names, dates, etc.? I really doubt it.

Sorry to be blunt, but I think you need to examine why you need him in your life.

Answer 2

This is not a good sign for your relationship. I don't understand why anyone would ask for a list.

If you are both around 40, it's understandable that both of you have had previous partners. It shouldn't matter who you slept with in the past, it should only matter that you're only sleeping with him now. As long as you're both clean, there's no reason for names.

I think he has some trust issues, and no relationship can survive without trust.

I say find a man who acts his age.

Answer 3

No, this was a completely ridiculous thing to do. You should have refused as it was an invasion of your privacy and has nothing to do with your relationship with him.

This is all about his insecurities. I'm not sure what he hoped to accomplish by doing this. I know I could never bring myself to read a list like this if my girlfriend wrote one. I have a hard time even acknowledging that she's even had a relationship before ours! :P

Have you asked for a list of his partners? I bet he doesn't even know all the names of his partners! You should make him write up his list and then when he gives it to you, don't even read it, just rip it up in front of him and throw it away because it has nothing to do with your relationship. Then storm out of the room! :)

Answer 4

You are right...this guy is an idiot. Dump him...it WAS a violation of your privacy. All folks getting into a new sexual relationship simply need to be tested for stds..that way EACH can feel secure..and it's still risky because one of the partners could be unfaithful. It's reality.

Answer 5

i imagine of what you reported on the end about him being raised a diverse way def performs some area. i'd to be constructive you get harm if he's unclear and all that stuff. I very merely about dated a lady yet I cautioned her each and each ingredient about how i replaced into in touch in men and all that stuff and we desirous to truthfully be friends because of the very actuality we did not pick to wreck our already remarkable friendship. Yadiddamean? <3

Answer 6

I think he has crossed a line there somewhere, but to have you make list on paper rather than accepting a verbal answer would bother me a bit too. He's got insecurity probs that might get worse for you. Why not return the favour, as he has asked of you, ask for his list, you if it's good for the gander.

Answer 7

No. You could tell him how many men you have had sex with, but as far as writing it down, I think that is a bit harsh as long as you tested negative for any STD's I think it is none of his business to know the names of the men. You should have asked him for the same list in return. Sounds like he is insecure.

Answer 8

why does he want to know so bad? he is so immature. I have a feeling he wants to know so he knows where he stands.

I had an ex boyfriend that wanted to knoweverything i did in my past relationship so he could live up to it. I dumped him because he was so competitive with my Ex. And my Ex wasnt even part of the competition. He was just competing with himself and it got really sad. Maybe ur man is doing the same and wants to know.

Still that is so wrong!!

Answer 9

ask HIM for a list, but it will probally be futile, as a man that insecure as that could only write down 2 ugly cousins and his hand!! what you need is to find someone a little more mature than him,as he doesn't understand "YOU CAN'T CHANGE HISTORY". and it's really none of his business whom you slept with in the past. h ell i wish my name was on your list, cause boy oh boy could i really worry the h ell outa yer so called boyfriend

Answer 10

You should never have given him this list. It is an appalling invasion of your privacy. I would think carefully about whether you wish to continue a relationship with a man who is so controlling.