looking for answers. your opinion is welcomed, we needed to send my niece back home due to disrespect! !!?

Question

I am looking for some answers, my sister sent her/ my niece out to me hopeing to give her some guidence. now i am feeling a little lost!!! did i do the right thing??? My niece was out here for approx: 2 mos, My husband & i tryied to get her counceling. due to her event of crying out for help & needing some guidence, she chose not to abide to some "rules" she ended up abusuing the "phone" and the computer.... disrespectful.....she also "hitched hiked into town when we werent at home, my husband & i live out of town approx: 1 hr away "she has just turned 17 yrs of age... & has been on drugs drinks alchole & has been on the streets... she has ran away for aleast 2 times that i have been told from her mother, my husband & i live out in the country & have a small farm to keep her occupied during the day, so i am feeling a bit lost in this situation!!! this child needs family, but dosent want our help.... so now what do i do?? i cant let her go like that,

my niece is from california, and i am from colorado up in the moutains , and in the country my husband & i didnt have the skills to keep her away from what the big city had to offer???? except for a little bit of church & guidence so please give some guidence, thanks lots ....

Answer 1

I think tough love is the best approach to situations like this. My mother became addicted to Meth when I was about 17. It made her into a completely different person, much how you describe your niece. With my mom I just quit visiting her (she has gotten a lot better so I do see her now) because my dad's counselor said contact helped to enable her actions. But, with a niece your approach probably should involve contact (maybe it would help if you got a counselor to advise on handling the situation).

Let your niece know that you love her and even if she thinks your rules are harsh that you made them to protect her because you love her. Ask her why she wanted to hitchhike into town (explain to her that such actions concern you because that is very dangerous). Basically, It sounds like she is rebelling against any and all authority figures. Maybe a visit to a local jail to see what happens to inmates would help her to want to behave better (that has worked for some of my dad's friends when their kids act badly).

I think just having her sit down for a calm rational discussion (treat her like an adult when you talk, that's probably what she really wants anyway and will be more likely to respond to that approach) with her might help you to form a relationship where she trusts your opinion. I was never an out of control teen, but do know I responded better to adults who treated me as an equal. I think that getting her to open up and talk about her actions would also allow her figure out deep down why she is acting out. I mentioned a jail visit earlier, but keep that as a last option...doing so before trying to rationalize with her will make her mad at you for forcing her to go someplace she didn't want to see.

(My advice may not be the best, but that's the sort of approach which would have worked for me as a teen....I really do suggest you getting a counselor to help you understand how to approach the situation in a way that will best help your niece)

Answer 2

This girl must feel trapped. That she has more things in life that she can't do than things that she is allowed to.

Give her some freedom. (Only things that you know are safe!) A little more reward, a little less punishment. Think of good qualities that she DOES have. Does she help with dishes? Does she do any chores around the house? Buy her a little gift to show her you appreciate her help.
Does she keep her room clean? Tell her how much you appreciate it. There should be something that you can work off of, but if there isn't, create something. Ask her to help you cook a meal, and then praise her for a job well done. Be creative, you'll think of something.

All people enjoy being needed, and feeling good about themselves. The more she feels like a bad person, the more she will act up and push you away. Make her proud of herself, slowly, a little at a time. The rest of the things will come naturally. Look at every little step taken as a success, and make sure she knows that you love her no matter what. If you go to church, try to get her to come with you. Ask very nicely, but don't force her. Pray for her through all of this.

Answer 3

This poor girl is a diamond in the rough.You are such good people to take her on.Judging by your letter,she is a very troubled girl & truely needs guidens.What you to do is try spending some time with her.For one day do what ever she feels like doing.Go shopping,go out for lunch & some coffee,catch a movie,or just rent one & kick all the men out of the house so you can have a girlie night in.Do each others nails get facials swap stories about anything.The last thing this girl needs is someone getting on her case.She strikes me as the type o prson that if you said it was black,she would say its white.Try not to isolate her.Go out & find her a job to keep her occupied during the day.Tell her you love her dearly & would never let anything bad happen to her,but you need her to help you help her.Her immediate responce will be "I don't need anyones help!".She is 17 afterall,she does know everything ha!She will more than likely be shouting but your the one who needs to stay cool.Its gona be hard,I know,but it has to be done.You definitly need to get her clean.The only problem is she has to admitt her problem before she can heal.This poor girl got lost along the way & it sounds as though she may have trouble communitcating her feelings & thats why she lashes out the way she does.But don't lecture her,communicate with her.Thers's a difference.One your more like a dictator,the other your willing to comprimise & listen.Guess which is which.This girl craves love & help she's just so confused & very stubbourn.She wants help but doesn't want to hurt her pride.I truely hope this has helped you even a small bit.I truely do think your partner & you are amazing people.There's not many people like you in the world.Good luck!

Answer 4

If she is on drugs and is alcoholic she needs professional assistance to break her habits.
If you only meant that she takes drugs and drinks occassionally, but is not addicted, I still think it is time for professional counselling, but as a family counsellor - best done in her own home, with her mum (and dad, if he is there)
She sounds like she is reacting against everybody around her - all teens that age try to break free from their families, sadly sometimes this natural thing takes a bad turn. Try to remember that she is being disrepectful and breaking rules, not to hurt you, but because she is trying to find her own place in the world.
I don't think more rules are the solution, communication is.
But to get there you probably need outside assistance.
Try reading a book called Don't shoot the dog by Karen Pryor
- now before you give up on this post I need to say that the book is not about dogs, it is about how learning happens and how bad habits can be unlearned - and the methods work with dogs, kids, spouses, cats, horses, dolfins...everybody, because all organisms learn in the same ways.
best of luck to poor you and the poor girl

Answer 5

She may not give you much choice. She evidently wants to be free from authorities, and doesn't know how that freedom comes her way through the authorities provided. Does she have any ambitions for her individual development other than social outlets? Does she WANT an education regarding anything? A job? Are her opportunities for education, or employment realistic?

You are working with a firmly freed spirit that refuses to be tamed by simplistic focusing. If you don't have anything to offer that she would choose, she either won't stay, or her stay may continue to deterirate and falter. All you can do is try to figure out what does get her attention for constructive direction, provide opportunity for specific focusing that requires her to make choices, and hope for her independent development.

Answer 6

Been there, done that.........more than once, my wife & I must look like mother Teresa & Husband.
We've had varying amounts of success, but never exactly what everyone was hoping for.
One thing that I feel must be done are face to face, open and honest conversations with the child, outlining everything from the problems in the past, what may lay in store for her as a result , how you think you can help and above all, whats expected from the child and what she can expect from you. There needs to be a clear set of boundaries for behavior.
Then, you've got to spend time with her. This may be the toughest part because we all have busy lifestyles and to make extra time is hard. A lot of kids just never had a role model or example to follow. Try delegating responsibility or projects. The age 16 to 18 seems to be toughest for kids these days. They want to spread their wings but don't quite know how.
Last year we had to send our 17 year old neice back to her mom with our apologies, " sorry, it's just not working" we felt bad but we tried. What else can you do?

Answer 7

I'm wondering what her home life was or is like?
Always be honest with her as I assume you are. Be there for her & be willling to listen if she wants to talk. I beleive you must be firm with her also. Rules are rules & she must learn to take orders. Let her know that you do this for her because she's loved! Also it would be wise to seek outside help because if her lifestyle doesn't change it could cost her , her life!
I'm no expert in this but I pray to God for all concerned. A minister from this website may offer some great advice.

Answer 8

You can't help her if she won't let you.

You can hope that she will remember your values when she has hit a bottom. She will only go to those who drew hard lines with her--instead of coddled or enabled her--when she is ready for true help.

You can love her, and you can pray that God's will be done in her life. You can write her letters, call her on the phone.

If you couldn't handle her, you couldn't handle her. She is not your child. You can do what you are able to help, but ultimately it is her parents' responsibility to guide her, discipline her, and so forth.

You did what you needed to do. Only you know if it was right or not. Does it feel right?

Answer 9

I am assuming that you are Christians who are writing. When you are dealing with people even family members who are unruly in your household, you have to be firm. If people will not abide by your rules then they should leave. There are two things which can happen when people come under your household. Either they will conform to your rules or you will conform to theirs. There is a scripture in Proverbs which says cast out the contentious one and strife shall leave with them, yes strife shall leave. Your niece has to want to be helped. And you will have to have the faith and confidence in God that He can bring her out of it. Do not beat yourself over the head, because you could not help her. We are never able on our own power to help anybody only God can. I worked with teenagers in a pyschiatric ward who had many more worse problems than your niece. Their parents had given up on them, but I saw God step in and turn the children around. Your niece needs the prayers of the saints in her life. But family is good for support. As I am writing this I can tell their are demonic forces at work in your niece. That is why you can not help her, just trust God. I know you love her, so get the Lord involved.

Answer 10

I can understand how much you would like to help her and that you would like for her to be able to avoid the heartache that she is surely in for if she continues to follow the path she's on.

Unfortunately she is going to have to endure the consequences of her actions and the sooner she finds out what those are the sooner she can pull herself up by the bootstraps and straighten out. She can't do that if her family is constantly bailing her out or enabling her. Let her make her mistakes, but don't allow her to take advantage of you, in anyway.

Let her know that you love her and want to help her but it has to be on your terms, not hers. She has to follow your rules, to the letter or no deal.

Right now, if she won't abide by your rules you've got to let her go so that she can learn how good she actually has it at home.

Good luck!