How can I be a good Step-mom to a child, that has a mother I don't like cause she is my husbands ex wife??

Question

I don't like the ex. wife for one reason, my husband and the ex. had a child together and it didn't come from me. I'm holding a grudge on her, and little on the child to. i know it's bad to take it out on the child, that's why I need advice. Cause I know I will have to see the ex. and the child one of these days, and if I don't get help now I will be hateing the situation alot later then I do know.

Answer 1

Well; you are probably not being a good stepmom to this child having these awful feelings against it's mom. You need to sort and process your feelings. Being as your wish is to be a good stepmom - I read in between the lines that you are more busy thinking of the child's mother - you need to start working these feelings fast. And keep your work and anger to yourself. Good advice: your husband will - sooner or later - get tired of complaining and never being satisfied.

Ask yourself some questions. Write down the answers to help you sort out or process your feelings. Write each answer on it's own piece of paper - so that you can add things if you need to later when you have given it a second thought.

I'll help you get started:

First of all - do you wish to do this?

1. Do you trust that your husband does not have a sexual relationship with his ex-wife?
2. Do you know the reason for them breaking up?
3. Do you feel jealous that his family knows her or have a relationship with her? Why is that?

4. What are the things you absolutely hate about her? How does this affect you? Why do you hate this?
5. What are the things that are ok with you about her? How does this affect you? Why is this ok?

6.. If you could imagine that the relationship between you and your husband worked just perfect. Can you imagine that you can have a nice and polite relationship with his ex-wife sometimes? How would this be like? Describe. What would you like it to be like? Describe. Why would this make things better?

7. How can you reach this goal? What can you do to reach this goal?
8. Is there anything your husband can do for you to reach this goal?
9. Is there anything his ex can do for you to reach this goal? Will you ask her?

Now finally, what can you do to reach your goal?

Are there other questions that I didn't think of that you need to answer?

When you have processed your feelings and feel that you are finished with all this anger towards her, burn the papers you have been writing down the answers on. Make sure you are totally finished. That there are no unanswered questions. Burn them one by one. Let go of all the bad feelings! Let them go!

When you have done this, you have done a great job on yourself. Give yourself a treat. It is a huge step forward learning to tolerate other people. Now: are you ready to be a good stepmom? I am sure you are. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 2

Are you an adult or a child? If you are an adult, then you need to act like it. It is NOT the childs fault that the ex is her mother. I am assuming that this happened before you were in the picture. so there is a child that is the product of a previous relationship, GET OVER IT!! If you love the father than you should love the child, and treat her as you would your own. Hate the mother, all you want but if you want to be the one that smells like roses in the end, kill her with kindness. that is the best revenge of all. I know this as a fact, my step daughter told her mother that she loved me more because I have time for her and care more about her than she (the mom) does. OUCH!!!!!

Answer 3

Would it matter to you if you met a person whom you wanted to be friends with and you didn't like her mother? Of course not, at least i hope. The fact of who her mother is is totally irrelevant. She is a person in her own right. And if you love your husband and he's a man who loves his child, this child will be a huge part of your life. And you need to know that for better or for worse, once people have a child together they are linked forever in a way that no divorce will change. Please don't disrespect yourself by continuing to act like a child yourself. Why would you deprive yourself of the potential joy of loving and being a part of the life of a person your husband helped create? I would make the first overture to your husband's child. Befriend her. And you might as well get used to the idea that your husband's ex wife will never be out of his life completely. I assume that you knew he had a child and an ex wife when you married him.

Answer 4

You have to remember that everything you do, how you act, what you say will effect this child for years afterwards. The child has nothing to do with his ex other then its her mother. Try to be an adult try to be a secure within adult. Be a friend to the child. You may not like the ex wife but you should be at least civil as there is a child involved.

Answer 5

Sorry, but you're going to have to get used to the kid and the ex. When you married your husband, you knew he had baggage, and if you're not willing to deal with it, you shouldn't be with him. You need to get to know the ex. If you view her as a person, and not your husbands' ex, you'll like her better. Or at least you'll have a better reason for not liking her. And please don't hold a grudge against the kid. They didn't choose their parents, and they didn't choose the situation. See a counselor for help if you can't figure this out on your own.

Answer 6

You will have to let it go that he had a life before you. In my situation, I had a child from a previous marriage, and he had 2 (all under 4 years old). His ex-wife hated me, and would try to do things to make our relationship very hard. I had no problem in the beginning with the kids, but as they got a little older they started repeating things she had said about me which hurt my feelings and I was mad at them as well as her. I just kept being extra nice...which at first made her mad, but eventually wore on her enough to where she is nice now.

Answer 7

i'm almost in the same situation.exept my husband has more kids from her.(the ex). we get to see the kids all the time ..and what i find that works the best is to treat the child like it was your own..that way when the child actually goes home ..it wants to come back to see you and that your name comes up in conversation with the mother alot..it may not be the best way but the sheer thaught of her being mad for you being nice..is all worth it.

Answer 8

Just don't make the situation harder for your husband than it already is. And it isn't the kids fault; although, I do know exactly what you mean. But regardless of who the kids mother is, it isn't fair to treat them unfairly. It's not his/her fault. Just swallow your pride, put on a smile, don't let the ex get to you, and more importantly take care of the child.

Answer 9

You need learn to deal with it. She is in your life for the rest of your life. She is the mother of your stepchild. You should want what is best for the child. The mother and child has never done anything to you. Grow up and act like an adult.

Answer 10

I'm kind of in a situation similar to yours, except we are not married. Just focus on the child and not the circumstances of her creation. Try to treat her if she were your own. Love the part of her that is your husband. Try to be a better mother to her than her own. That definitey has its perks! Think how pissed mom will be when the kids goes home and tells her how great you are. Just remember, it's not about you.