ne 1 Bored?????

Question

i am. whoever makes me laugh the hardest your answer will be picked the best by me. or tell me a story how ever long you want it to be. any type of story funny scary or w/e. just nothing stupid.

Answer 1

I worked at my police department this weekend, and one of the calls we had was public indecency in the park. I did not responded to the call but I heard on the radio that a 66 year old man and a 20 year man having oral sex. Later found out the 66 year old was blowing the 20 year old. But he had a condom on. Good know safe sex is being practiced.
Another call i went to: 5 guys sitting in the middle of the road with beer cans on a string preventing traffic while another was trying to hot wire a golf cart. hope it makes u laugh. (I work in a strange place)

Answer 2

i ve got a joke for ya this lady goes to a plastic surgeon and wants some work done. they dock says well i have a new procedure i just started doing.I put a knob on the back of your head and when you feel you need a lift just turn the knob.6 years go by and she goes back to the surgeon.She said to the doc i have these huge bags under my eyes. the doc says those aren't bags those are you boobs!ah, the woman replies that would explain the goatee

Answer 3

u want a funny story hear u go.. one time wen i was at work we got really bored, i work in this kitchen with this huge oven, one day i had just finshed cleaning it out wen my friend had an idea... now dats its clean i can get in!! so she got in and i closed the door ready to take fotos, wen the manager of the hotel came in, i started to freak!! it was a clear door so she could easily see into the oven, she looked over at me gave me a look and just kept on walkin!! if she had seen my friend in the oven pretty sure we would have been fired, so after she went we pissed ourselves laughin and den went bak to talkin the fotos:)

Answer 4

you said no matter how long well this is a story but lots of jokes

As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

3. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

4. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

5. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

13. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

16. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

17. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

18. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

19. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

20. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

21. Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

22. Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ***?

23. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

Funny signs

Plumber:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blow out."

Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"

Sign at the psychic's hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a laundry shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On an electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On maternity room door:
"Push, Push, Push."

At an optometrists office
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Butchers window:
"Let me meat your needs."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

Outside a hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

On the door of a computer store:
"Out for a quick byte."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a counsellors office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

At a Santa Fe gas station:
"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

In a New York restaurant:
"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
"38 years on the same spot."

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

In a Florida maternity ward:
"No children allowed."

In a New York drugstore:
"We dispense with accuracy."

In the offices of a loan company:
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a New York medical building:
"Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home:
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

At a number of military bases:
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
"Now available in multi-packs."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

In a funeral parlor:
"Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee:
"Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"

Outside a country shop:
"We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store:
"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In a Maine restaurant:
"Open 7 days a week and weekends."

On a radiator repair garage:
"Best place to take a leak."

In the vestry of a New England church:
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On a roller coaster:
"Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school:
"No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee highway:
"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise
untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at this sign."

Answer 5

okay... here's a story that i told a friend yesterday. made her smile. i was trying to decide where to put my next tattoo... you see, they have to be strategically placed so my mom doesn't see them. (pretty lame attitude huh? i'm 30!) so, after drinking a lot of wine, i decided to get buck nekkid and use a sharpie to draw all over me to see where i should place it.

what did i learn?.... that sharpie is really really hard to wash off. praise jeebus i didn't want one on my neck.

Answer 6

I have green nipples. True story.

Answer 7

lol if i was talking 2 u on IM i could make u laff.... but im not a good story teller... sry

Answer 8

It's my 27th birthday today! Hooray!

Answer 9

one has two heads ; one ( over ) , and the other is (below) ..
when one of them works , the other doesn't ..
when both don't work , one gets bored .......

Answer 10

make me laugh