Should i feel guilty for keeping the first and adopting out the 2nd?

Question

i am 16 wks preg. and i have a 3 yrs old daughter that i have raised alone since the father found out i was pregnant and skipped town. now that i'm a mom i realize what a HUGE responsibility it is and don't think i can successfully raise 2 by myself. ( the father is a nut job, i know, i'm a good picker) But i feel bad, like i'm bout make a mistake. I don't want to be one of those welfare moms w/ 13 kids i can't afford and no education, i know i can do better than that. i need unbias opinions PLEASE HELP

Answer 1

You should have thought about that before you got pregnant. Now you need to take care of your responsibility no matter what you have to do. It's never fair for a child to grow up without their real parents. I have seen people worse then you do it, so I think it's selfish of you not to raise this child too.

Answer 2

No, you don't need to feel guilty. It will be better for the baby, your 3 year old and you to do this. But you will feel sad. It's almost as heart-breaking to be separated from your baby through adoption as it would be if the baby were stillborn. Except you do have the consolation of knowing your child is alive and being taken good care of and loved by people who wanted and were ready for a child.

You started very, very young. You've learned far more than most 16 year olds can even imagine. You are strong and smart (regardless of who you picked as boyfriends). Try to set up the kind of adoption where someday you'll get to meet your child and give some of the love you feel.

I've never met you, but I'm proud of you. Your spirit makes me feel better about what it means to be human. If you want to stay in touch, I'd be happy to be your friend.

PS: Sorry, I'd just started writing to you when I got a phone call. When I wrote the above I had somehow scrambled that you were 16 weeks pregnant into that you were 16 years old. Everything else I said still applies. Particularly the offer of friendship.

Answer 3

I already applaud you for deciding to not get an abortion. I also applaud you for accepting responsibility and thinking about the child instead of being selfish. My mother in law found herself in a very similar situation and she kept my husband and sister, but put a younger brother up for adoption when she could not make it on her own and found herself in a VERY SIMILAR situation. The younger brother was adopted by a WONDERFUL family and has had a very rich life. My hubby lived through all the ups and downs of a single mother and had alot of insecurities. Look, in this situation, nobody will come out on the other side unscathed --but you have to consider what is best for your kids. Congrats again on your choice to have the child and Good luck to you --that would be one of the hardest decisions in the world to make --just remember --the 3 year old knows you and will remember you ---the baby can have a fresh start! There are also agencies out there where you can follow the child as it grows!

Answer 4

You should not be made to feel guilty. You know that it will be very hard to support this child and you know it will have a better chance with someone who really wants a child. I say you go with your heart, and if thats adoption then find a couple that is truely looking to give a child a good home. Its better to find a couple on your own or through an agency then just putting them into adoption centers, many of those kids do not get families so make sure you find a family first. It amazes me how these people are telling you you shouldn't have had sex to begin with, everyone makes mistakes. Alot of people say don't have abortions, give it for adoption, but then someone like you asks about adoption and they tell you its your fault. Its not your fault, we don't know the circumstances and I just respect you for keeping it even to give it to a loving family other than yours. Good luck, I hope you make the best choice for you.

Answer 5

First of all I am not going to give you a long speach about getting in this situation in the first place because what's done is done. I give you a lot of credit for putting your babys well-being first. If you feel that this is the absolute best decision for your baby then no you should not feel quilty. On the other hand I would be a little concerned about how your daughter will react. Does she know that mommy is going to have another baby? I wonder if maybe you are not maybe a stronger person than you think. As long as you keep it at two for now I think you can do it. I would hate to feel regret in a few years. Do you have family that would be willing to give you at least a little moral support? I don't know if you are a religious person but when I am going through a rough time I like to remember that God will not give me anything in life that I can not handle. Good luck and congrats on the baby no matter who end up getting to be his/her parent(s). Every baby is a blessing.

Answer 6

I knew a woman who did what you are talking about. It was kind of strange because people asked her all the time about being pregnant and she'd say right up front, "this one is being adopted". She told her 5 year old daughter that this baby was very special and going to go live with parents who couldn't have a baby and that they (mom and the daughter) were giving those parents the best gift ever so that they could have a baby in their house.

If you do give the baby up for adoption, I would investigate an open adoption where the adoptive parents would be OK with your daughter knowing her younger brother or sister. My friend has two adopted kids and keeps in touch with both birth families.

Answer 7

With this question I straddle the fence. On one hand I want to say that if you can't feed it, clothe it, or pay for it you shouldn't be making it. Also women all over the world have been having babies in worse situations than yours and they(including baby) have been just fine. It may be hard at first but you will get the hang of it. On the other hand I want to say that it is very big of you to recognize ahead of time that you cannot give this child the life that it deserves. I don't think that it would be very fair to you, your 3 year-old or the new life inside you. Either way it's not fair to the unborn, but what we're really looking for is what's best and if you say you can't do it, allow an unfortunate couple who is willing and able adopt him/her. Regardless to what anyone says honey, at the end of the day, the ultimate decision is up to you. Good luck!

Answer 8

I am not sure this is a question anyone but you can answer. You have to determine whether you are actually willing to spend the rest of your life without your child. The large majority of adoptions leave you with no information until the child is 18, and then they are able to contact you if the chose to. 18 years is a long time to not know where your child is.
Being the situtation you are in have you thought about returning to school even part time and better your life so that you can do well with two children. There are programs that will provide child care while you go to school.
I would check with your local assistance programs and see what is available to better your life, and then make your decision.

Answer 9

You are not a bad person for making sure this child gets the best shot at life, especially if you can't afford it. However, you know how you got pregnant. If you do this again, then you are using this like a contraceptive of sorts and that does make you a bad person. Quit making kids you can't support. Stay on birth control and do not allow men to have relations with you without them using protection as well. Have some respect for your body before you catch something that will kill you.

Answer 10

I don't think you should feel guilty...you realize you can't care for two children, so you've done the noble (and correct, in my book!) thing and opted to carry the baby to term instead of aborting her. You're giving a very VERY lucky couple who weren't able to having children the natural way a wonderful opportunity to have a baby. :)

Look at it this way...would you rather scrimp and struggle and possibly take out your anger on your children because you can barely afford to support them, live in a crappy neighborhood, etc., or would you rather give your baby to someone who you know will love and care for her and give her the best life they can...the one you couldn't?

Then again, you never know...once you give birth, you might just fall in love with your baby and realize that you CAN make this work...you CAN find a better paying job...you CAN do it!

As for the welfare thing...you don't have to do this. Just try to find a more reliable form of birth control, count your lucky stars you haven't ended up with AIDS or herpes, and try to find some better guys...they're out there!! :)

Answer 11

I don't think you should... You're a single mom, you've been there before and I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to do it a second time.

Start now about finding some adoptive parents. You can even choose how much contact you want with the family (holiday visits or more, to no contact at all)

As far as your little girl. If you tell her early one that you are helping so-and-so have a baby of thier own she will be alright with it.
best wishes.