I'm Sick! =(?

Question

I'm really sick, and want to be cheered up. Anyone have any good jokes?

Answer 1

#1

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?


#2

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Pittsburgh.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT!
NO hangover!
NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, well there's just one thing."
"What's that?"
"Have you farted yet?"
"No "
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver."

#3

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together.

Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one ..."Sorry I'm
running late ... Had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to
get you both a present."

Not to worry," said the dad..."the important thing is that we're all
here together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "you and Mom still look great,
Dad, I just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a
present...Sorry."

It's nothing," said the father, "Glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello both of you, Happy Anniversary!
I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy
packing ... So I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us
are together today."

After they had all finished dessert, the father put down his knife and
fork, looked up and said, "Listen up, all three of you, there's something
your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were
very poor. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to
college. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each
other very much but... we just never found the time to get married."

The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the dad ... "and cheap ones too!"

Answer 2

Three nuns drove off a cliff after drinking just a bit tooo much communion wine. The three faced St. Peter together before the pearly gates.
St. Peter said, "We know you have all been good nuns, but due to the nature of your deaths, I must ask you to correctly answer one biblical question before you may enter heaven."
He addressed nun number one, "Who did God create to be the first man?"
The nun was all smiles. "Oh, that's an easy one. It was Adam," she said.
Suddenly the lightning flashed and thunder crashed as the gates of heaven opened for her.
Nun number two was ready.
"Who did God create as the first woman?" St. Peter asked.
"That's an easy one," the sister answered confidently. "It was Eve."
So the lightning flashed, the thunder crashed, and she walked into the kingdom of heaven.
St. Peter asked the third nun, "What were the very first words that Eve spoke to Adam?"
Looking puzzled the last nun strained her memory. She said, "That's a hard one."
And the lightning flashed , the thunder crashed as the gates opened once more.

Answer 3

WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.


2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT
WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S *** AND
HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A
HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO

5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO
MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG
PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST
LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE
KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE
HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.


Hope you feel better...

Answer 4

Political campaigns are a lot like horns. A point here , A point there and a lot of Bull in betweeen.

Answer 5

Want to trade places? I have cancer and am waiting to find a transplant donor. I will die without one. Get up off your *** you spoiled brat and count your blessings. And that's NO joke!

Answer 6

tell your self to heal and absorb white light and you will heal in one and a half days guaranteed all you will be left with is a bit of a stuffy nose but nothing else

Answer 7

ok, here goes....

what starts with "t", ends with "t", and is full of "t"?