My daughter is 18 and self mutilates. I am tired of agonizing over this. What should I do?

Question

She started cutting when she was 15 and dumped by a boyfriend. She was in counseling and it really was and is very emotionally draining to me. I have another child and have to work to support myself. Now that she is 18, I cant stop her from doing it and am thinking about just severing our relationship until she can stop this nonsense. I have nearly ran myself in to bankruptcy trying to pay her bills for counselors and psychiatry and they tell me there is a highly manipulative component to her behavior. She is stressing me out to the max and I cant cope with her bull **** any more. I need her to get gainfully employed and quit this crap. She moved in with a boyfriend who told her she does not have to work. She told a huge lie when she was 10 yrs old that about landed me in prison.
She lived with her dad for about 5 years and he is in the same town she is in. I would like to just defer to him. What do you think? I would like for him to take on this massive responsiblity once

As far as my life goes, I work a full time job in the professional medical field. I graduated from college and supported 2 kids with no child support. I took care of 2 elderly parents until both of them died in January. I just recieved an award for excellence in my career field. So you are no one who should speak of my issues What are you? Let me guess, a professional mother?

I am not a professional carreer gal. I went to college because I had to get an education to support me and the 2 kids I put on this earth. It beats working at McDonalds and asking welfare to support us like they did while I went to college. My ex husband chose not pay support. When I recieved my award for excellence, I got it because I go to work, never call in, provide excellent care. I am honest and according to the physician who awarded me "exempifiy excellence " while I am there, I dont sit on my rear end and wait for someone else to do the work for me, I obtained this award with a 2 yr degree and recieved the award over other people who have 4 and 6 year degrees in the same field.
Sometimes you do what you gotta do, and I raised my kids without help from anyone except for welfare. Maybe you should try it. You will get a big eye opener!!! If anyone thinks raising a child alone is a piece of cake, think you need to try it. You have to work to support their basic needs.

Answer 1

SI is very critical. Your daughter is 18, living with someone else so she's old enough to take responsibility. If you're old enough to play the game, you gotta pay the consequences. It's going to to be tough.

As far as her SI goes, contact Annie at [e-mail] She's a psychologist that had problems w/ SI and recovered. She has an on-line service for free and has helped a lot of people quit cutting themselves.

Answer 2

She sure sounds like a handful.

She will not stop cutting until she has the desire. There is absolutely nothing that you can do to stop her. All of the counciling in the world will not matter unless she wants it to work.

Living with some guy that does not want her to hold a job is kinda scary, he obviously has control issues and wants her to be completely dependant on him for everything.

Deferring parental responsibility to her father may give you some peace of mind, depending upon your relationship with him. 9 times out of 10 I would recommend both parents taking an active role in the upbringing of a child.

You mentioned something about her lying back when she was 10 years old. While all kids lie, some to a greater extent than others, this sounded particularly deviant because as you said it almost landed you in prison. Whatever the actual lie was does not matter, the point is that this girl has a history of being abusive towards you.

I would recommend some tough love. You have done all that you can and at this point, she needs to understand that though you love her, you simply can't allow yourself to become emotionally drained by her antics anymore. If she calls you wanting money, tell her no. If she calls you crying about her live in boyfriend, tell her to call her father. If she calls you wanting to come over for supper to talk, well, that may be a new start for the both of you.

Answer 3

Tough love. Tell her that you love her and would like to have her over for meal or visit WHEN she is doing fine. Do NOT allow her in your house unless she calls first and is in the right frame of mind. If she starts telling you things to upset you tell her to change the subject or she must leave. No more money and no more stress!!!!Make sure your younger child knows and understands why you are doing this.It is to help the oldest one! And will also help you two Also that you are not responsible for any more debts from her. She is an adult and has to make her own way! You must concentrate on the other child or that one will have problems also. Yes she is manipulating you and causing you to be stressed and to pay out lots of money. TO HELP HER STOP THE BEHAVIOR YOU MUST STOP ALLOWING HER TO CONTROL YOU! I know that she had problems way before a bf dumped her to have gone to such an extreme. Living with dif parents, lying about you, you going to jail, and things you probably aren't aware of are all in her heart and mind. She is the only one that can deal with what the problem really is. Cutting is a side effect of what is really going on.Tell her that you have done your best for her but now it is up to her. You and your other child deserve a quiet,peaceful home so you can bond and help the child succeed.Tell her dad the decision you have made and STICK TO IT MOM!!!!!!!DON'T GIVE IN!!!!! Best wishes

Answer 4

sounds to me like you never had time for your daughter and maybe if you put more time into her well being instead of schooling yourself she may not be as much of a mess. people don't understand when they have children how much time it takes to raise a child, you seem to be more of a professional career gal then a mother. one of her parents should have put time into her. she may have needed more then some. she probably feels like she has never been acknowledged or loved or cared for. I bet that's what she tells you. and I bet you are selfish and have always put your own needs first. and did things to make you look like you have tried. and really you never did. people like you make me sick and they are whats wrong with the young people today. all I heard from you in your question was poor little you, again you make me sick I feel so bad for your child. and just so you know I am a mother of two wonderful straight a students one of whom is 18 years and was born with physical challenges which lead to emotional challenges so you cant tell me I don't know about expenses and the time it takes for kids. though my daughter is 18 her dad my x husband and I will continue to to take care of her until she no longer needs us. oh your poor daughter! Shame on you!!!

Answer 5

unfortunately, cutting or self mutilation is characteristic of borderline personality disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder is very difficult to treat. She is now 18 and although it is difficult, you may need to back off. Show her that you want her to get help and encourage her to seek treatment but beyond that, there is little more that you really can do. I know that this is easier said than done but truly, if you think about it...what more can you do. She has to choose her own path and whether or not she wants to deal with her illness and attempt to have a productive life. Best of luck to you!

Answer 6

I feel for you. The thing that stands out to me is the opinion you have from 3rd parties (counselors, physiotherapists) that see manipulation as part of her goal. Maybe without you around, she'd feel less of an urge to do it. In any case, now that she's old enough to take responsibility for herself, I don't think anyone can fault you for protecting yourself and your other child by making your boundaries clear, even if that means total separation.

Unfortunately, her situation is likely to get worse before it gets better. I think you have to ask yourself if you can afford to be along for the ride. Best of luck to you.

Answer 7

Let him take care of her for a while. Sometimes, kids need somebody who will kind of force them to act normal... without any exception. You didn't do a bad job, but maybe he'll be able to straighten it out. Obviously she thinks she has a problem, but this is probably just for attention. Because she knows that everybody will come running and sympathyze for her... but she needs to have somebody who will actually tell her that it's very wrong, and pretty sick i might add. I hope everything works out.

Answer 8

Honestly thats very complicated. Seems to me ur running out of options. But you can never give up on ur child. Not that im a parent im only 22. But i would suggest a rehab. Im sure they would be able to give her the necessary treatment and attention she needs. Its expensive i know. Hopefully your daughter will get better. Try to continue to help her before its too late or this destroys her best years. And continues to destroy you to the breaking point.

Answer 9

find out what the problem is...dont try to drown it...
btw its your daughter...you didnt take her permission before giving birth to her...you didnt ask her ' well youre gonna have issues and gonna be cutting yourself...are you sure you wanna be born?'...no!... therefore you have to be responsible...dont look at this as a huge unsolvable problem because without a cause there would be no problem...so solve it...you and your daugher both have a right to enjoy your lives...get to the root of it and solve it ...
good luck!:)

Answer 10

sounds like you have a lot on your plate. she is now considered an adult...and you need to start acting like one and start taking responsibility for your own actions; maybe if she sees you doing that she'll realize she has to be responsible for herself too. you can only do so much, after that, they have to learn to deal with life on their own. stop thinking about the past..it is over and cannot be relived. Live in the present and deal with that. All you have right NOW are the choices you make right NOW.