Why Now After all this time?

Question

I have been with the same man for 15 years. When we hooked up i was interested in marriage (not him) so anyway i got over it and saw the benefit of NOT being married to him.I love him alot. I just dont want the pressure of being his "wife" . He now after all this time wants to get married next month. I am not feeling it. I dont need him i am well educated and own my own home i dont see how my life would be improved at this stage by marrying him.

we have been together so long that 90 percent of the time we dont even want to be bothered w/other people. We r just fine not married why change it im wondering. P.S. my parents have been married for 36 years and hate (not exaggerating)each other. IMarriage doesnt equal love I just got finished talking to a friend of mine who is wanting to dump her boyfriend because he works at an amusement park she says he doesnt make enough money and she isnt the only person who thinks like that. when i say improve i dont mean financially im mean overall

Answer 1

If you really love him then marriage will improve your relationship (whatever you feel about it now).

If you think you don't need him then you should not still be in a relationship with him.

Your choice.

Answer 2

Well how would you feel that after 15 more years with a man you had absolutely no say so what so ever if something happened to him? If he was in an accident you would have no say so in determining what treatment he was given/not given. If he passed away you would have no legal rights to his body or his possessions. When you grow on and grey any pension or savings he had you wouldn't get any. Marriage is a lot more than a piece of paper. Its a peace of mind knowing that you are partners and that if something God forbid happen to one of you the other would be taken care of and have the rights to make the decision on what to do next. We aren't promised money, our health, or businesses forever. Your life would improve by knowing that you have someone who has commited to be there for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. I don't particularly agree with the out of the blue "lets get married next month" part however you shouldn't look at marriage as what you can "get out of it". You should look at it as making a lifelong commitment to the man you love. If you don't feel that way about him by all means don't marry him.........but if he needs marriage to be happy then you need to let him go so he can find someone who will make the kind of commitment he is asking you for.

Answer 3

I think your additional detail says what you're really afraid of. Stop talking and listening to people whose marriages don't work. Talk and listen to those that do. After 15 years it's hard to imagine what might change in your lives. Why is their "pressure" in legally being his wife? Aren't you two in an exclusive relationship now? In some states you're a common law wife anyway. What would improve? Maybe he needs to have this public pronouncement of his love and commitment to you. Perhaps some loss in his life has caused him to re-evaluate his life, and he now needs more of a commitment. Maybe his commitment to you will then deepen.
Being needy is one of the sorriest reasons to marry a person. Needy people who marry are engaging in more of an economic or emotional merger than a real loving committed marriage. And their chances of failure are increased too. With your education, and financial independence, you are free to enter a marriage with your eyes wide open, unencumbered of any economic or intellectual need. Love, marriage, and commitment are not just for stupid or poor people. Independence doesn't mean we never make a commitment, it only means we make better ones.

Answer 4

Regarding you having the pressure of being his wife, if you don't already have that, I don't see how you'd acquire it all of a sudden. If he's the type that brings about all kinds of demands when he's married, that he didn't bring about beforehand (but stayed with you 15yrs) he got some $!@# with him. Maybe there are other issues present, outside of him now wanting to get married that makes you say "no" to the idea, that you should be looking at. After all these yrs, you guys routine really shouldn't change all that much where you live and conduct yourselves differently than before.

One thing is for sure, if he has issue with you not wanting to be married, you should see it as a warning sign and leave. If there was no issue with you guys being together and not being married, there shouldn't be one now. He should be cool with the way you wanting things to stay as they are.

Answer 5

You've been with him 15 years and don't want to get married? That's not fair to him. Seems like the commitment is there but you're afraid of legal binder. You should have gotten out a long time ago, but no time better than now. Obviously you're not "In LOVE" or you would want to be married. Marriage is not about how it can improve your life but about commitment to each other for life, if you're not into that then tell him. You only get out what you put in.

Answer 6

I hate to even say this, but he is too late. Some people say its never too late for love, but I like to deal with each case differently. You are empowered and independent of a man, and educated. You are at the moment in your life that you see you deserve more, and perhaps, he doesn't even add up to the picture you are clearly painting for yourself. You hung on to him for over a decade, a decade! If you were to marry him, it would be a hinderance to your new life. A new door has opened for you and it doesn't mean you don't ever want to see him again; its just that you've seen and experienced a taste of a free life and now he can see the error in his ways...

Answer 7

You know what I hate that women are raising there daughters to believe that if they marry a man that they are weak...It makes me sick. Who cares if you dont need his money or if it wont improve things. I am all for women being well educated and strong but give me a break.

Answer 8

well you too should talk. becuase if u want 2 different things this isnt going to work. you're going to end up hating each other in the long run. so i;d either split up or come to an understanding, but i think one of you is going to resent the other. and it will end in a break up anyway.

Answer 9

It won't improve. He just wants to feel more secure because as you aged (and woke up) you realized the sun doesn't rise and set in his pants. He knows it so now he's thinking I better marry her before she tires of me and leaves. Don't do it!

Answer 10

I think you marry for love not the "benefits" or "improvements". So, do you love him? If you don't want to get married you shouldn't do it just to please him. Believe me I know what happens, after a few years you'll be divorced.