my mother and I just can't see eye to eye, can you help me?

Question

I recently moved out to California from New Orleans. My mom had us stay with her for 3 months until we got on our feet after Katrina wiped us out completely. She moved to California when I was 17 and visited us a few times a year, throughout the past 12 years. She is not a very pleasant person to be around, always having people do everything for her, down to walking her dog. We recently got into an argument about the way she talks to me, my husband and my 2 year old. She claims I don't respect her, but in my opinion, respect is a 2 way street. I have always been the type of person to give respect until it's no longer deserved. She is rude, lazy, and just a miserable person. She constantly complains about her husband, how pathetic her life is (with over a million in the bank), and how her fibromyalgia is acting up. She has problems with everyone she comes into contact with, but yet, she's always the victim. I can no longer tolerate her and her ways. How am I supposed to be with her?

She does nothing to help with her fibromyalgia, she should exercise and doesn't and blames me for all her failures. How can this be when I've been 2,000 miles away for 12 years???

I DO NOT LIFE IN HER HOME.

OOPS, LIVE, SORRY!

Answer 1

Wow, how tough that must be for you. But I think that your distance will help. And keep phone conversations far and few between. You just cant change some ppl. The best thing to do is to just remove yourself from the equation, like you did, and just move on. Its gonna be hard cause we kids are always seeking the acceptance and approval from our parents. But really, it only matters that you can live with yourself at the end of the day.

I am from Calif. I love it. You can find so much to do there! California is the best. God bless you and you can KIT if you want :)

Answer 2

That's really hard. I am sorry the situation is so unpleasant for you. I am guessing by the calm way you have presented your question and the level of detail you included that you already know what I am going to say.

You cannot expect ANY change at all from your mother (or, maybe a better way to say it would be, YOU can't change her). So. You either resolve to completely revamp your attitude about her actions/words/etc, basically perform an overhaul on your personality, or you simply don't have a relationship with her. I think both of those options STINK, and I am sure you do to... otherwise you wouldn't be worried about it! Unfortunately, you only have control over YOUR actions and reactions. You can't do a thing about her negativity or laziness or disrespect. I agree that people "earn" respect, much like trust or anything else. Unfortunately, I also think parents and grandparents are allowed a certain amount of "built-in" respect as well... just meaning, treat her courteously, no need for anger or meanness, and if she continues to be awful, you have done what you can.

Gosh, I sure wish you luck.

Answer 3

She is your mom so no matter what you should love her BUT you can love her and not be around her. Keep your distance... only call maybe half as much as you do now...and when she starts telling you about her problems or complaining just politely make up a fib (white lie) and get off the phone! Just thank God that you dont live near her! Maybe she will get the hint after you keep cutting things short with her when she starts complaining and quit...if not...atleast you wont have to listen to her. Try to keep a relationship with her though...and dont say or do anything you might regret cause you never know when she will die and you dont want to be sitting...wishing you had or hadnt said something to her. Make sure she knows you love her but you just cant handle her problems right now...you seem to have enough of your own!!

Answer 4

It sounds like her current situation is not the only thing responsible for her actions. Difficult people can be hard to get along with, especially those with health and other problems. She may need some help from outside to deal with her issues. She is staying in your home though. She should not be trying to control it. Be patient with her as much as you can and try to get her to look at the good things she has in her life. When she starts accumulating good thoughts the negative ones will drop off. Pick your battles. Make sure the issue is worth fighting over. Good luck and I hope you can reestablish a working relationship

Answer 5

It sounds like ur mother is jealous of u and u need to get away from her. Once u move away u need to talk to her about her behavior. If she doesn't get it then stop talking to her...some people are just miserable and mean and there is nothing we can do to change them, no matter how much we love them.

Answer 6

Don't worry. I'm passing throught the same situation with my twin sister. She gets a fit every time with me, even after having this surgery. She doesn't consider me in any way nor I don't know how to make her happy anymore. Oh well, live with it. Bye.

Answer 7

Get your own place and continue with your life. She'll always be your mom and you'll always love her, but it's easier to love some people from a distance.

Answer 8

It seems like she is strugguling with alot in her mind. But it appears that you are too... Hopefully one day she will come to realize this. But then again, It's been 18 years and I am still waiting on my mom to come around also.

Answer 9

listen no matter what you mom does or says . she may not be here tommorrow .y mother pass away this past june and she never did what the doctors told her and she never listened to me , and i would yell at her to do things but you know she is not here now and i loved her then and still love her today ,
just remember love her today like there is no tomorrow

Answer 10

Sometimes in life we have to move on without the people we love.