i banned my sons father from seeing him, was i totally wrong?

Question

my son is now 12, me and his dad split when he was 2, he never payed a penny for him and all of a sudden stopped coming to see him after i told him he couldnt be drunk or stoned in front of him.
All of a sudden 8 years later, he turned up unnanounced, asked to see my son. He came over 3 times then didnt show again for another year, not so much as a card, or phonecall in all these years. He was still on drugs and was having mental health problems-extreme violence to his mothers house and stuff.
Anyway he phoned up one day out of the blue, and said can i come over and see my son, i said that unless he was going to do this properly this time and treat my son with respect, he was not welcome. I just dont think it is fair for my son to keep facing rejection, my husband has cared for him since he was 3 and loves him.
Its just that every now and then i feel like i am not sure if i did the right thing?

i have never once bad mouthed him to my son, and i have told my son where he lives and that if he wants to see him, i could phone him for him, but i get scared that he might hurt my son.
I am not evil, and i just want what is best for my son. He said he isnt bothered wether he see's him again

Answer 1

You are in the right! Let me tell you how I know....
My Dad was the same way and finally my Mom said that unless he was really going to be there for me then he needed to stop getting my hopes up. He couldn't keep clean either. In the end I really respect my mother for her decision. She told me the facts and why he wasn't welcome. A lot of people are suggesting that you let your son make the decision. Well that's a nice idea and all but here's the problem....his father needs to have respect for your son AND you. Surely your son will understand why you don't allow people on drugs in your house. Your son is learning a very important lesson. He is learning that no matter who they are....if someone can't stay off the drugs then they are someone who you don't need in your life. Your son can try at a relationship with his dad if he still wants to in a few years. I know he will have an opinion at 12 but he is not old enough to make the decisions yet. Maybe at 16, when he can drive and choose to go see his dad on his own but as for now...the rules of your house are the rules and you will not be disrespected by his father by him coming over high.

Answer 2

Sounds like you need a little legal backing here, in the form of a court order that will reinforce what you have said about treating your son with respect and not showing up when he was drunk or stoned. If he has a history of violence, there is good probable cause for prohibiting visitations at all.
That doesn't mean that your son will never know him. Once he is an adult, he can make his own decision about whether he wants to have any contact with his biological dad. Sometimes kids are curious, and when, as an adult, they meet the biological parent, they realize they didn't miss anything by having that person out of their lives during their childhood.
Good for your husband for supporting both you and your son.

Answer 3

I feel sure you have absolutely done the right thing. Please ensure your son knows the reasons why though without badmouthing his father, if you can.
As a mother I know what is like to see your children hurt, it hurts the mother badly too.
I am in the same situation myself, my children have just been dumped 300 miles away with my mum after their father who said he would have them all summer decided 2 weeks was enough and had better things to do.
He hadnt been in contact with them all year - no cards at xmas or birthdays and certainly not one penny of child support. I thought maybe he had changed when he said he would take them this summer but no yet again he has let them down, he did the same last year and one Boxing day - phoned and said to me come and get them straight away ! I am a 6 hour drive away!
So now I have decided no more, he will not see them until they are old enough to make their own minds up, they are 6 and 8 now.
So dont feel bad, you are doing what you need to do to protect your son and thats what good mothers should do xx

Answer 4

obviously this must be a very difficult situation for you. if you try to break all contact, your son may become rebellious and decide to see his father behind your back, which given his fathers mental state and addictions, this is not a good idea. Maybe you could compromise and have a routine for him to see his son ie a specific day of the week but visitation must be supervised by you or another family member if you feel uncomfortable in this mans company. Then, if and when your ex lets your son down again you can say you gave him the chance to have a relationship with his son and it was him that screwed it up and therefore, no more contact.

Answer 5

i think u made the right choice. my son is only 2 and a half, i split from his dad when he was just turned a yr old because of violence and drugs and i didnt want my son 2 grow up knowing it's ok 4 daddys 2 hit mummys. so far he has not bothered 2 contact my son and avoid us the odd times we see him in the street, if he came back out of the blue 10 yrs from now i'd still keep him away but i'd explain 2 my son y i feel that way and if he really wanted 2 see his dad i wouldn't stand in the way as long as he knew the consequences if he was rejected.

Answer 6

Try talking to your son. He is 12 now and should have a voice in the decision. Ask if he wants to see him. See how he will feel if his father comes around and then disappears again. Your son has the right to know his birth father if he wants to. However, help him to make an educated decision. Do not push him one way or the other. Don' t be afraid to discuss with him your fears of what may happen and how it will effect him. Do this in a manner that shows concern for your son not negativity toward his father. I truly feel this would be doing the right thing. I have been there and watched my daughter be stood up by her father......it hurts you as his mother probably as much as it hurts him. Open communication between you and your son will give you the knowledge you need to decide what is right for him. Best of luck to you and to your son. If he does opt to allow his father back in his life........ Look into supervised visitation. I would try to get it set up at a visitation center. ( in my area it is in the job and family services department) That way you have a professional there to supervise and to make sure that this man is sober and not on any drugs while with your son. If he shows up intoxicated or high he will not be permitted to visit with your son.

Answer 7

No you weren't. However, at your son's age he requires a good, strong male influence (actually he needed one since he was six). Ask your son how he feels about his life and his opinions about not being able to see his dad. I'm not saying you should look for another man, but if you are close friends with any men who you think are good, strong male influences (who get along with your son), let one of them bond with your son, do stuff together, and most importantly, let your son be influenced by him. Don't keep that male influence for too long, though. At 14, he'll start to strive for some independence. He's becoming an adult, and will gradually learn how to live independently.

Sorry if the last bit was a bit off-topic, but it's required to help your son become a great, happy man.

Answer 8

You have every right to do as you see fit in order to protect your child.

It's clear that this person has a lot of problems and is in no fit shape to be any kind of responsible parent. just because you biologically parent a child, doesn't mean that you have a right to access. Children are a blessing, not a right. If a parent would have a harmful impact upon the life of that child then it is a moral imperative that they should be protected from that harm

You have no reason whatsoever to feel guilt.

when your child becomes an adult, he can then take it upon himself to seek out the biological father if he so desires. You can explain that you didn't allow access and tell your child the reasons why you chose to do that.

if your ex partner felt so strongly- then he would already be seeking legal help.

Children are not able to process emotionally disturbing things in the same way as adults can. They do not have experience and are vulnerable. When he's an adult he will be able to handle whatever his dad can throw at him with a reasonable adult mind and he will reach his own conclusions.

As parents, none of us can do right for doing wrong. Nobody does it perfectly we all just do the best we can.

You are protecting your child and no instinct is stronger in a mother.

S
x

Answer 9

Yes I think so, I had similar situation, my ex wasn't taking drugs or anything, just treated my son like an object he could just pick up and drop when he felt like it - he would see him for a few months at weekends and then nothing for a year or two. My son used to think he had done something wrong and used to get very hurt. So I told ex either make a regular commitment or bugger off - when son was older it was up to him. I see you son is now 12 and while I don't think you should bad mouth your ex, I do think you should be honest about your reasons for him not seeing his father. My son is now an adult and his father has just come back on scene and I am glad for my son as I want him to have a relationship with his father, but still worried that he will be hurt.

Answer 10

I think the man should be paying you back child support. It isn't easy raising a child on your own. If the father truly loves his son, he should be paying child support and keeping his word when he wishes to see his son. I had a similar problem with that with my ex. for 13 years my boys never got a birthday card, or Christmas presents no phone calls, then one day I had told their father, you know when you are in your 40's 50's whatever, and you decide you want a relationship with your kids, they are going to tell their father where he can go. Now after 13 years he faithfully calls his boys, and now regrets acting the way he did. You have all right to be angry for his behaviro, and as his drug problem, I wouldn't let my kids near anyone who does drugs, parent or not just not right. STay tough. I think you are doing the right thing.