Are we hurting each other by staying together?

Question

I have very strong feelings for my boyfriend, but I'm constantly forced to pull back on how deeply I feel. I've always been open and honest with my boyfriend about my expectations and what I need from him. It comes down to the fact that he is not ready to settle down. I appreciate the fact that he wants to take his time to make sure he really want to be with me. But, we've been together for two years and I'm tired of everything being tenative. I've continued to pursue my careers to ensure success in my life in the future...I would love for him to be able to share my successes with me, but it just looks like...by the time he's ready I'll be long gone. It makes me extremely upset that we've been together this long, I've changed so much and he's stayed the same. I've learned my lesson though...just don't make him your boyfriend! HELP ME! I need to know where I go from here. I want to maintain friendship...but its inevitable that won't work.

Answer 1

That is why people date and become boyfriend/girlfriend. It takes time in a relationship to realize that two people aren't in the same place life wise. You didn't really waste two years, you grew and loved and had fun. Now your ready to move on and can see this isn't the relationship for you. Just tell him it is time and move on with your life. Sure, it won't be easy but that is way better than if you had married him. You can't ever know if a relationship is the right one for you until you actually are in it and give it time.

Answer 2

It does rather sound as if you have reached an impasse in your relationship. There is no need to feel bad about this - you are not phsycic and couldn't possible have predicted that events would turn out this way two years ago.

From the information given I would suggest that (with things as you described them) then yes, you ARE hurting each other by staying together as you are, but (both of) you may be able to change.

To resolve the situation you need to have a full and honest talk with your boyfriend. There are clearly things you don't like about him at the moment, and be prepared for him to list all the things you he doesn't like about you. If you CAN come to a satisfactory compromise/arrangement by both of you agreeing to change a little then great, your relationship can continue. If not then for the good of both of you it must end.

If it comes to ending it try to do it by mutual agreement, that way you will be able to salvage a friendship - (though I wouldn't recommend trying until you've both had a least one new partner). If you end it non-consensually (eg by dumping him) then you will never be able to stay friends.

Answer 3

Okay, it's going to be okay. I've been in the SAME thing, except we both hurt each other and he was the one who changed, and we were even together for 2 years. But we both hurt each other too much and it hurt to stay together so I broke up with him. It KILLED me to let him go and It took a while to get over the breakup. And ask him, if he's willing to settle down and work on the future. See if he gets started. Give him a chance to see if he's got what it takes. But if you're sure he dosen't, and you're hurting. Let him go. You'll be better off, I promise. And it may be hard to let go, but it's what's best. Maybe try to remain friends, so the door's always there. Because I didn't do that with my ex, we had a bad breakup. Make it a comfortable one. But whatever you decide, you need to be happy, above all.

Answer 4

Hello,

I too recently went throught the same thing. I was involved with someone for three years.. I was growing and he wasn't.. I hung around and held on... the end result of that was being absolutely fed up and just leaving him alone... I try to be friends and I can tell it will not be successful. Now he wants be everything and do everything that I wanted for a long time but it is too late.. I have moved on and it's the best decision I ever made!! In the end you need to be happy in order to be fulfilled.. only you can answer whether or not you are TRULY happy!!

Answer 5

It sounds like to me youve already made your decision and know what you need to do, so do it already.
I believe if you stay in this relationship it will only drag you down and cause you to become depressed. You sound like a mature, honest dependable person that is ready for a real relationship with a commitment to go along with it.
If you dont think he will ever be able to give you what you want dont waist anymore time on this.
Sit him down and tell him where you are in your life and what you expect and where you see yourself 5 years from now. If he dosent share the same goals then you definantly need to move on.
You may love him but you need to love yourself and put your feelings and needs first.

Answer 6

Benny, from what I hear in your words is that you are giving much more to this relationship than you are getting. The cut and dry bottom line is, from my perspective, you each are looking for completely different things in a relationship at this point. You are stressing yourself needlessly. Take a deep breath, and just walk away, with absolute resolve to not go back. Yes, you will grieve for a period, and then guess what? Your life will go on, and there will be someone crossing your path later who has the same desires for togetherness that you do. If your current beau doesn't want to remain friends, that's his loss and probably for the better anyway, it will hasten the healing of your heartbreak. God bless. :)

Answer 7

I was in the same position and we broke up. There are times in life when although the love is still strong, people have different aims and have to go separate ways. We were together 5 years and a half. I know it is hard, but you can do it. You will find the right man for yourself. Juts if you feel he is not the one, then break up and move on. you can still be friends if he wants to

Answer 8

Let him know that while you still care for him it appears as if your lifes and priorities are moving in 2 different directions. He probably already knows that a future is important to you (this should be evident by the actions you are taking to ensure it's success). It is time to remind him of that. Tell him you would love to be able to consider a future with him in it but that right now he isn't even acting like he is thinking of that. Let him know you understand the choice is his and that even if you can't work as bf/gf you would love to remain friends.

Answer 9

I hate to say this but yes, you are hurting eachother by staying together. It looks like you have moved on and matured and your boyfriend is still a "boy". You cant rush or push him to grow up and become mature it will happen when it happens. But you cant wait on him either. I suggest you talk and him and if you are still convienced that it cant work then you need to brake it off. It is best to do it as soon as possible. Its better for you to hurt for a couple of weeks because you broke up rather than hurt a a couple more years. Hope it works out for the best. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 10

In answer to your question... sounds like you may be hurting yourself by being with him. If he's unsure about thing(s), it's time to let him know the low-down of your feelings and why you feel the way you do. You sound like you've been open in communication with him, but I don't know if you laid down the law about your feelings and about moving on.
Sometimes its takes something like that to make a person change, but remember he has to change for himself, not for you.
He may or may not change, but atleast you may be ready to let go knowing that you gave it your all. Whatever you decide is fine as long as you are happy with it and there's no regrets.
I'm glad you were smart enough not to stop your life in the meantime... a lot of people (especially women) make that mistake.