Any good jokes?

Answer 1

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to find the perfect woman, marry her, and raise a family. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

After a diligent but fruitless search up and down the east coast, he decided to head west. Soon he came across a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you've come to the right place. Look over them and decide which one you wanna marry."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well, she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."

So the man dated the second daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well, she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, cross-eyed."

So then the man dated the third daughter. The next morning the man rushed in, exclaiming, "She's perfect! She's perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were immediately wed.

Nine months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery, he was horrified. The baby was the most hideous, ugliest, most pathetic baby you could imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law, asking how such a thing could happen, considering his parents were perfect.

"Well," replied the farmer, "she was just a weeeeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

Answer 2

It was a very rainy, sloppy day, and a traveling salesman's car got stuck in the mud while traveling along a country road. He made his way to the nearest farm house to see if the farmer would pull his car free with his tractor. As he was about to knock on the door, he looked through the front window of the farmhouse and saw the farmer's old wife sitting in her rocker, completely naked, and cupping and stroking her breasts in the direction of her husband. Her husband was sitting across the room in his rocker, completely naked, and masterbating while holding an opened umbrella over his head. The salesman left right away and went just up the road to the next farmhouse. He asked that farmer for some help, and the farmer said, " Sorry, but my tractor is all torn apart for maintenance, but if you go to see the old couple down the road apiece, they will be happy to help you."The salesman said, "No way, I think those folks are crazy."He then explained what he had seen them doing. The farmer said, " Oh no, you misunderstand. See those old folks are deaf mutes. They communicate by using sign language. She was saying to him, 'Dear, you need to milk the cows.' And he was saying to her, 'F_ _ k you, it's raining out.'

Answer 3

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its Best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

Answer 4

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have GREAT STAMINA with the ladies."So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves. . .don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."

Answer 5

A little boy goes to his father and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well, Son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class; and your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that, and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room, and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, Son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep sh*t."

Answer 6

A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Bush, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.

Answer 7

here's a few good irish ones

1st Man: Oh hello, how are you, let me buy you a drink!
2nd Man: Why thank you." he replies. "Where are you from?
1st Man: Oh, I'm from Ireland," he replies.
2nd Man: You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.
1st Man: Of course!
And they both pour back their drinks....
2nd Man: So, where in Ireland are you from?
1st Man: Dublin," comes the reply.
2nd Man: I can't believe it says the first man. I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!
1st Man: Aye! why not!" And both men continue drinking.
2nd Man: So, like... hmmmm... What school did you go to?
1st Man: St. Mary's, I graduated in '62.
2nd Man: You don't say! This is bloody unbelievable, I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!
1st Man: Noooo way???
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Oh nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are drunk again."

Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting, "Your mum's the best shag in town!" and proceeds to burst into laughter... Everyone expects a fight, but Collins gives the drunk a sligh look, ignores him, picks up his drink and wonders off to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, "I just screwed your mother, and it was grand!" Again Collins after a deep breath refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!" Finally Collins interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're pissed!"

Seamus walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

Answer 8

Yes:
In a class room,the teacher asked a student,named George,to come up at the black boared at the map and locate America,then he says,here it is mam.The teacher says OK that's good George,sit down.Now the class teacher asked the whole class,students now who discovered America?the students replied "GEORGE".hahaha,i hope that was FUNNY !!!

Answer 9

The lonely guy sent ex a note and said I am so miserable without you, it is almost like you were here

Answer 10

I have one but you probably already heard it and besides some people might find it offensive.