i'm drowning...?

Question

my fiancee and i have been living together for 5 years, he enjoys having a relationship where we do absolutely nothing and have days and years go by with us having nothing to show for it, I on the other hand like to do things. I don't even mean big things, even little things like going to the beach together, just spending time together...he sees no point in it, if I ask him to go the beach and go for a walk, he says why? He always needs an explanation, he doesn't get that I want to spend time with him. He's so selfish like that. He's 15 years older than me but I don't think that should make a difference because in my opinion, if you are in love with somebody then spending time with them shouldn't be a major effort. I know where this is all going, the thing is I love him so it is hard to try and face the truth and so I'm hoping that maybe one day he'll actually want to show me that he likes being with me. He makes me feel lonely...my problem..that's what he'll say.

Answer 1

Relationships are not about being lonely. This *could* have something to do with age - he has different priorities. Perhaps he's been there, done that, and now he doesn't find it important. The words you are using pretty easily tell me that you are not happy and that the two of you should not necessarily break up, but possibly seek counseling.

Good luck to you.


PS - Fiancee is what a woman is to a man. Your sig. other is a fiance.

Answer 2

You've already given yourself the answer. You're drowning. In a healthy relationship you shouldn't feel so lonely all the time. If spending time with you is such a major effort than perhaps he should spend time with someone else. I have a feeling that if he's fifteen years older than you, you can do better. Find someone closer to your own age. Seriously think about the future of this relationship before you get married. Breaking up and moving out is much easier and less expensive than divorcing and moving out. I hate to say it, but if you've been living together for five years and are still at the engagement phase, this may not really be a relationship that either one of you actually wants to move forward with. (I am assuming you don't have children...if you do, then there is obviously much more to consider...like counseling.)

Having said that, it sounds like you really need to sit him down and tell him that this isn't just a passing problem. And if you're lonely, it's not just your problem. You are a couple, so one person's problem is the couple's problem. Give him a chance to explain. Don't get hysterical or start yelling, just have as calm and rational a conversation with him as you can. Be willing to compromise - some days it's okay for you to do things apart and/or just stay around the house, but you also want to spend time at least a few days a week doing something together, even if it's just a walk on the beach. It also sounds like you may need to discuss the future of your relationship and where you see yourselves in the next five years.

You know best if you aren't happy and it's better to admit it to yourself now then after you are married. I wish you the best and I know that if it turns out he isn't the one for you, then there's someone else out there for you!

Answer 3

Now the question is are you assuming that he'll react by saying "Your problem" or have you actually talked to him about this?

It sounds like you need to get some councelling, especially if you're planning on getting married.

It's probably not necessarily an age thing, but it might be a health and energy thing. Is he getting enough exercise? I know you get more energy by actually being active.

Good luck! Stay strong. You guys have been together a long time, so you can still work it out.

Answer 4

If he hasn't changed in 5 years, he'll probably never change. You need to think long and hard if you can live with this for the rest of your life. If you can't, end it now before it has to be ended by a divorce. You may try talking it out with him, explain to him the things that are important to you and ask him if he's willing to work on those things. But, after 5 years, he probably won't be willing to compromise for you. That's really sad and you deserve better than that.

Answer 5

You're obviously unhappy, so this relationship should end. However, is his unwillingness to spend active time with you taking walks or going to the beach any worse than your unwillingness to spend quiet time with him at home? What I read in your question was not that he doesn't want to spend time with you but that he doesn't want to take a walk or go to the beach. Not wanting to participate in these activities doesn't mean he doesn't want to spend time with you.

Also, are you harrassing him to take a walk the moment he walks in the door from a long day at work? Are you choosing beach days on days he had really hoped to just take a break at home? I'm not saying you're at fault for this and he's blameless, but both people in a relationship need to take responsiblity for their own part in making the relationship fail (and in putting it back together again).

Good luck in whatever you decide.

Answer 6

I don't mean to offend you but you mentioned a 15 yr. age difference. This man is thoroughly embarrassed to be seen in public with you and that is why he doesn't want to leave the house. He is probably ashamed that he couldn't find a woman his own age to date, and so he is hiding you from others finding out.

I know this because when I was 21 I dated a 36 yr. old. We went out, but I never met his family and he wouldn't get serious because of the age difference - also 15 yrs.

This is why you're still dating him and not married to him.

You need to make a big decision here because this will not end. It has nothing to do with you, your boyfriend is just a jerk.

Answer 7

Sadly, I think you answered your own question. You are already unhappy. I don't think that by marrying him that will change anything. You deserve to be happy and not lonely. I think you can find someone who will make you feel that way. I know it's hard when you've spent 5 years with someone. But it's better than spending another 5 and then really realizing that marriage isn't making it any less lonely.

Answer 8

So you are willing to sacrifice yourself and your feelings for this man? Who doesn't give much if anything back to you? What are you thinking my dear. I say run, run really fast and take some time to get your self esteem up. Work on you, your needs, and your wants, then start looking for a real man who will love you and show you love in the way that you want. Do NOT marry him, he is not going to change. Why should he? You have let him treat you like this for years now. And you are still there.....

Answer 9

You need to just cut your losses and walk away if he really loves you then he will do some thing just beause it pleases you and that makes him happy. My man hates opera but will go if I say that i want to go and for him to take me he is suited up and standing by the door. life is way too f***ing short to let anyone suck the life out of you. find someone your own age to play with.

Answer 10

Well maybe it's time to revise your opinion about age. I agree with you somewhat that when it comes to love, age doesn't make a difference. Age 'can' make a very big difference in the relationship though as you're seeing now.