My wife is convinced that she is responsible for solving every single issue in the of life her mother, brother, sisters and their offspring. It makes me very uncomfortable to see how my wife has not been able to draw clear boundaries between her family and our own. We have 2 boys and often I feel that her priority is not us but her own family that bog her down with countless problems. This situation has made our marriage very unstable because it has cause the loss of my trust on her. Most of the help she provides to her family is done without my knowledge.
Every time I confront her about this issue she responds saying that I am a selfish psychopath.
I strongly believe that when a couple gets married the relationship with the immediate families changes to a second level or priority while the marital relationship becomes the most important relationship of all.
I think we can help her family as a couple but only after we have taken care of the problems of our own.
Where am I wrong?
2006-08-15 04:50:13 · 12 answers · asked by migug 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I dont think your wrong, I think your wife is selfish. Unfortunatley she probably wont realize how much of a problem this is causing in her own marriage until its too late. The life she made with you SHOULD take precedent over her immediate families problems, its too bad she doesnt think so as well. I would continue to talk to her and try to get her to see the light or your going to have to make some hard decisions about the life YOU want with your wife.
2006-08-15 04:56:47 · answer #1 · answered by Mean Carleen 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yes, your family should come first, but you cannot and should not expect her just to turn her back on her family. She has probably had to be responsible for them at some point in time or they have made her feel like it's her responsibility. You are adding to her stress too by making it such an issue. Perhaps you should seek counseling to help both of you deal with this issue. You must not have a family or you would understand this. I have a brother that I constantly feel the need to help in some way. So I understand. But don't try to cut her off from her family or you will be the one to suffer.
2006-08-15 05:02:32 · answer #2 · answered by blondee 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's tough. You're not wrong from this angle for certain if you're describing the situation correctly. You've got a tough row to how and you may not be successful but there are two things to mention to her. In a calm, serious-as-a-heart-attack manner, ask exactly what she has accomplished by solving the problems of her family. Solving other people's problems doesn't help them. In fact, doing that does serious damage to them because they learn to be helpless. Same with money. Money doesn't solve money problems. Learning to manage money solves money problems. You may well need a therapist to help get the message to sink in for her. The second thing is to discuss what her lack of attention to her children is doing to them. If they are old enough to voice their concerns they should do so. If they aren't that old, their behavior may well indicate lack of attention on her part. And she may not be receptive and you'll have a very difficult choice.
2006-08-15 05:05:30 · answer #3 · answered by DelK 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree with you. She needs to know that her immediate family is the one she made with you & your children. Her mother brother, & sisters have children of their own & therefore are adults capable of conducting their own lives, & solving their own problems. She needs to set appropriate boundaries with her side of the family. As a co-dependent person, I can recognize some of the traits I possess in what she is doing. It may be that she is trying to control her world by getting involved with everybody elses lives, wherever & whenever she feels she's entitled to do so. She may be very insecure, & this caring for everyone else brings her a sense of security, because she feels needed. If she can't come to focus on you & your children to satisfy her needs, then perhaps some professional councilling will be worthwhile. Best of luck.
2006-08-15 05:13:12 · answer #4 · answered by No More 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i might want to also help with the youngsters area: it is common to no longer desire childrens. i do not, my husband doesn't. some human beings merely weren't meant for children. As for no longer desiring relatives... also standard. My husband feels more effective like residing with a suited pal or roommate. I try now to not imagine about him as a husband because it makes me freak. So i imagine it is totally standard to stay a existence of solitude. all each individual is diverse. Be loose.
2016-11-25 19:13:32 · answer #5 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, it sounds as if she has boundary issues. And she may be an enabler if she is trying to fix everyone's problems for them. I suggest marriage counseling, and maybe individual counseling possibly as well. You could even check to see if your employer has contracted with a counseling service for employees and their families to help ease the financial burden. Good luck!
2006-08-15 05:00:46 · answer #6 · answered by mustanglynnie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you need to SHOW her how to take care of herself first. Send her to a day spa and let her know, for all the work she does for everyone else. Its time to slow down and enjoy herself.
Say this is a partnership and you would like to at least be aware of what shes doing as far as helping since you are her family as well.
2006-08-15 04:57:43 · answer #7 · answered by ♠♣♥Rogue♣♥♠ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you're not.. tell her that if she's so into her own family, then she can walk straight out... and if she thinks you're even a little bit worthy of her, plan to move a little further away.. so that even wantingly she can't do that much... it's only fair
maybe u need to tell her that she's creating the exactly same problem family she has grown up in, in her own house
2006-08-15 04:56:09 · answer #8 · answered by conspicuous 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hopefully you are exagerating just a little to make your point...
You do marry a family when you get married not just her.
Maybe you are not as close with your family and you may not be able to relate??
Anyhow, she shouldn't be resourting to name calling when you exress your concerns to her.
Yes, at marriage, the two of you leave your family and join as one. But, your families don't just disappear either. You need to make space to really talk, out of the house away from kids, away from her folks.
Maybe she's running away from you and using them as an excuse to be away all the time. Seriously talk to her to see what's really going on. Avoid having a shouting match.
2006-08-15 05:00:08 · answer #9 · answered by Pam 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
its really true that your wife should be supporting your family more than her "whole" family...take some time to talk to her and tell you how you feel it works
2006-08-15 04:59:01 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋