Men - why don't you take responsibility?

Question

Having been dependent on child support for 18 years provided by some unknown phantom, I'm curious- what makes a man decide that he'd rather just pay off his child like a loan debt rather than be involved in the life he's created? And even further- why are those "deadbeat dads" so adamant against taking responsibility for their actions?

Don't get me wrong, I am not bitter, and I understand that there are so many loving, caring, and involved fathers. I also know there are deadbeat mothers. But I'm specifically curious to the motivation behind a man's decision to NOT take on his paternal responsibility. What are the reasons they choose to pay child support rather than actually raising the child? Whhy are so many reluctant or unwilling to do even that?

Woah, ok, guess I better clear one thing up in particular- when I said I recieved child support for 18 years, I meant it. -I- was the child! The father of my own child is with me right where he belongs, it is my father's actions who have caused me to wonder about this.

tony- read the whole question. I acknowledged that not everyone was like this, it was not a generalization. I was curious specifically about the people who fit the profile; I wasn't accusing every man ever of doing wrong.

Cirestan- a sad point, and perhaps one of the reasons I so vehemently oppose abortion myself.

Nanja (and others)- as I mentioned above, I'm not in the situation as the mother, I was the dependent child. My mother was never on welfare in her whole life, she worked a steady job and made the sacrifices she had to to raise me. I can only hope to be a fraction of the wonderful person she was. Talk about generalizations- not everyone who demands a little accountability is a societal leech.

Answer 1

you just picked the wrong person unfortunately, cause where my partner and children are concerned i'm more responsible than the word responsible!

Answer 2

In short, because we can.

In society today, men are taught that the measure of manhood is having as many women as you can. Most men cannot resist the opprotunity to put another notch in their belts. And with so many women willing to become those notches, it's easy to see why a man would think with the wrong head.

Secondly, the stigma is gone. Children of unwed parents-once referred to as "bastards"-are now considered acceptable and commonplace.

There is also a desire not to be tied down. If you haven't noticed, a lot of men refer to the woman they had the child with as "my baby's mother". Not "my ex-girlfriend" or something that suggests that there was ever an attachment beyond the physical with this woman (there may never have been).

Finally, we are taught that by making the child support payments, we ARE taking responsibility. For the last 30 years or so, we have been taught that men and women are equals. Thus, the child has no need of both parents, and the only reason mariage should come into play is to add more income to the child's welfare. If we are adding that income, what more does the child need? The lack of involvement is the offspring of this myth.

Answer 3

I am 47 years old and the last time I saw my "real" father was when I was around 4 years old or maybe a bit younger.....see I cant even remember back that far and exactly how it all went. He hasnt been a part of my life since and he never paid out one single penny in child support for his THREE children that he had together with my mother.

My stepfather married my mother when I was between 5 and 6 years old and he later adopted all 3 of us. He was my "father".

Just a few months ago I learned through a cousin that contacted through the internet that my "real" father is still living and he ended up having yet another child who he did raise. This cousin is the daughter of my "real" father's brother. She found me through my stepsister of all people.

Anyway......I cant answer WHY men do the things they do but I understand what you are saying. More often then not it is the mother's who end up with the child care. I have never understood it. I also ended up in a divorce from my 1st son's father. He choose to live in another state well over 1000 miles away from us. He only saw his son about one week a year. He did send his support checks but I agree.......sending a check does not make a man a father.....it is the TIME spend.

Answer 4

I don't have children, but I once heard the following argument:

When the father does not have custody, he has at most every other weekend with his kids (or less, depending on visitation rights). There is no way anyone can be a father or even a halfway decent role model if they only see you 4 times a month.
Also, many times just looking at the mother is painful, sickening, or otherwise unpleasant.....so the less time spent around her, the better.

Personally I think most fathers probably could take a more active role in their children's life, but feel that since the court awarded custody to the mother, the kid is now her responisbility.

I don't know what I would do in that situation, I am soooo glad I don;t have kids!

Answer 5

I think there can be a variety of reasons. My wife's father was often distant when she was a child (separated parents) and I know he's not currently in touch with his younger kids from his second wife, though he is still paying child support for them.

I can tell from talking to him that he loves his children dearly, but is barely on speaking terms with the second batch's mother. I think he basically feels unwelcome, and for whatever reason, has the sort of personality where he just withdraws.

While I'm sorry for the hole in your upbringing, it sounds like right from the start your father was probably clear that he did not want to have or raise children. There are far less 'deadbeat mothers' because mothers-to-be who don't want to raise children have abortions or put the children up for adoption - whether the father wanted to raise the child or not. When the mother wants the child, and the father didn't want kids, the mother has the child, and the father pays.

Answer 6

Even though the child support law is not applicable here, I can visualise your situation!!! Yse! When a man has contributed to create you, he also should ideally parent you along with the other partner-your mother!! But I think the husband wife relationships are not that strong and hence the attitude of men and women are primarily of sex than progeny. Thus when a progeny is born the father doesnt feel the seriousness of parenthood and just leaves the mom& baby high & dry without any feeling of guilt !! People are turning out to be animals. Soona time will come when there is no discrimination between son, daughter, mother or father!!! All will fight each other for the nasty three letter word-sex!!
I have all the sympathy for you, my dear!!

Answer 7

Well I have never, and would never be one of those men, but let's take a look at some of the reasons why.

1): He has been forced by the court to pay your mother.
A women he may not be able to stand.
You are not part of it at all in his mind.

2): Some men just can not be responsible for anything let alone their child.

3): Depending upon when your father/mother divorced he may have a question? Is he really your father? If he has doubts then he may be completely unable to accept you.

This issue is all about the relationship your mother and father had, or didn't have, and the hatred that may have existed, real or imagined.

Some men are not fathers, may have been part of your parents splitting up. He pays because he has to but you are not part of it.

There is truly no good answer for this. None.

Answer 8

Men want to get back into the dating scene, and often times, it is a HUGE turnoff for women to find out that the guy they are interested in is a father with custody.

It is easier to pay for child support than it is to get the child involved with the father and the dating scene.

That is my educated guess, but I think a lot of it has to do with the judicial courts. Judges, for some reason, seem to favor the mother over the father when it comes to custody, even if the mother is a deadbeat.

Answer 9

There may be many reasons. Sometimes women get pregnant on purpose and the man does not want a child. That is wrong. The woman may say she is infertile, on the pill, taking depovera shots etc. So there is always two sides to every story. I think it should not be stereotypes. You are right there is good in bad in all men and all women. I think often it is a reflection of character. It would really need to be looked at in the individual setting. I guess what we could all learn from this, to use protection until both parents are ready to be responsible parents. Accidents can be prevented. Think of the child first.

Answer 10

Men are a funny breed. Many men crack at the suggestion of mounting responsibilities. Some cannot deal with being a father because this would imply the following:
limited freedom
everything you do would have an effect on your child
involvement with child means potential heartbreak or disappointment
and simply (in most cases) these dummies didn't have good fathers for themselves so they haven't a clue as to what it is to be a dad.
The ironic thing is, no one KNOWS exactly how to be a father, so their fears are baseless and simply a sign of cowardice.
Sorry you had a bum dad. Make it a lesson for you to find a good responsible man for your children.

Answer 11

I am sure that most men are not like this. Most men would love to be involved in their kids lives, if only the mother would let them. I have seen where the mother will tell lies about the father to the kids, turning them against him. Never being there when it it time for his visitation, thereby denying him of his rights. Why do women do this and yet still insist upon child support? Perhaps you should try seeing it from the other side.