my husband got a kid from his ex wife, the kid is with us, since we just got married, me and the kid are not getting along with eachother yet and i understand that, but he is sometimes mean to me, i tried to tell hi not to be mean and let him understand about being mean but he doesnt listen, he keeps on hurting me, like throwing things, screaming and hit me specially if his dad or anyone he used to be with is around. and he is doing that things to them as well.
i would like to teach him the right things, like to be respectful to everyone......give me some advise of what to do to get a long with him to start doing one of my responsibilities to him as his step mom. thanks
2006-08-15 02:12:57 · 17 answers · asked by gaymercee 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Difficult but you can achieve this. You know why, because you are struggling ways to do it.
Would have been really nice if you cud have mentioned the age, but I guess it will be 4-7 years.
OK, now some hints
He has an inherent fear in his mind that you have replaced his mother. You have to work hard first to get that thing out. This shud be the ONLY goal for u now.
Look for things which, her mother used to do. May be some night time songs, favorite food, clothes, Friends, toys, TV shows, parks, games.
You might need help of ur hubby to find out what made this boy and her mother attached ?
Investing time in teaching good manners is what I will not suggest in this stage. You have to keep trying to win his heart.
If nothing works, I'll do some stupid things like
With digital photography capture an image of ex wife and yourself and put it in ur bedroom and make sure that the kid see it. It has to be natural.
To me my whole life depends on the fact that this kid accepts me. I'll do whatever I am capable of doing it.
A small advise... "Never Give Up !"
You can do it and I can see this happening soon.
2006-08-15 02:27:13 · answer #1 · answered by James B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all and MOST important (I know I have 2 stepsons and my hubby has 2 stepsons and a stepdaughter) That child see's YOU as the intruder!!! He thinks your the reason mom and dad WON'T get back together and until you "OUTWAIT" him he's going to do EVERYTHING in his power to get you to leave. Next the Father AND you HAVE to sit him down and explain to him you are not the reason his parents aren't together (does very little good BUT he needs to hear it) then let him know WITHOUT A DOUBT his actions will NO LONGER be tolerated!!!!!! Also you need to get him some counceling and maybe go as far as family counceling with the 3 of you and ALSO the 4 (include Mom ) if need be. As far as until you get this extra help EVERY time he is mean to you either put him in time out (an age would have helped a little) send him to his room. IF the worst comes and you guys just CANNOT get him to stop (and I know it seems eccentric and takes ALOT of extra work) take his mean little a** home every time he gets like that, I know its alot of driving, seems a little mean maybe but HE HAS GOT TO LEARN that no matter what choices his Father makes he is the Adult. You are also an adult and therefor should get respect from him. As mean as all this may sound , if you give him love and respect while taking these measures it should eventually work. Love and respect are very very important and you must show both, but do not let him get by with being mean and rude, it may start with you but if it is not stopped he will continue on and probably have a lot of troubles in school also. GOOD LUCK HON!!!!
2006-08-15 10:16:40 · answer #2 · answered by Angel B 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Try to realize that he might be having difficulties dealing with 1) the divorce of his parents 2) dad has a new spouse.
You can explain that you love his dad and want to get to know him (the son) as well. You aren't trying to take the place of his mom. Let him know that he doesn't have to love you, or even like you, but he DOES need to respect you.
And I agree with the person earlier that said to make sure you get along with the ex. (again, you don't have to even LIKE her, but you need to show HER some respect as well.) Make sure that you or your husband don't speak badly about her. (You might not think that the kid can hear you when he is actually in the next room)
You don't say how old he is, but whatever the age, try to be patient. Take a bit of an interest in the things that he likes. Don't overdo it, at first though, take your time and don't be "pushy".
Also, make sure you and your husband have the same ideas as far as what type of behavior is expected of the child. And make sure that him and dad get some "alone time". He might be used to having his dad to himself and now resents having to "share".
Good luck. It isn't easy becoming an instant parent to a child that isn't your own. Be patient and let your relationship grow slowly.
2006-08-15 09:27:24 · answer #3 · answered by tweetymay 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well the age of the child is a big issue... however his hitting and throwing things are not to be tollerated.. not by you, his father, or mother. You need to remember that child is going to think you are the reason his family is not together. Try taking the kid out for a day with the step mom... However you do need to remember you are not the birth parent in this situation and dicipline needs to come from the father and mother.
2006-08-15 09:20:12 · answer #4 · answered by Tricia P 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personally, the dad needs to step in on this one. I understand you said he is being mean to others as well as you, and Dad needs to have a long talk with him. Perhaps even some professional counseling is needed especially with the physical abuse coming into play. Sounds like he is having a VERY hard time adjusting to the mom/dad split and the fact that he has a new step-mom. Good luck and best wishes.
2006-08-15 09:20:21 · answer #5 · answered by tmh_31 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I went through alot of the same thing .No hitting tho cause he knew that was pushing it to far . My husband flat told him I was not leaving , it was our rules ,he would respect me or else . His mom and dad had spoiled and babied him .Even waited on him (he was 11). I made him do chores ,but I took him swimming ,played games took him to school activities ,and basically was just there . I just demanded he respect me and do his part in chores . He now respects and often comes to me before his mom and dad. Also told his half-sister she will thank me when she grows up for being so strict. And teaching independence . So hang in there and don"t back down . He is 23 now . Good Luck!
2006-08-15 09:48:50 · answer #6 · answered by cottoncandyn2000 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have been a stepfather for 15 years, and these outbursts are not unusual in the begining, and sometimes later on. You just have to try and be a true friend, while being firm. Get to know what interest the young man, make time to do things with JUST him. Get to know each other time. I used to take my daughter to the park when she was 4, and played her favorite games. Then as you build a positive relationship, he realizes that you are NOT trying to replace his mom, you will be able to gain his respect. Once you have gained that respect you will then be in a parental position, where he will listen to your advice, critisism, and praise. Good luck in the future.
2006-08-15 09:33:18 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The dad needs to be involved in this one. Throwing things and the other disrespectful behavior should not be tolerated. You and your husband need to sit down and have a long discussion about how individual situations will be handled and stick to it. The child should be made to understand that you and the father are in agreement on the punishments for certain behaviors and it needs to be made clear with all three of you in the room together.
2006-08-15 10:50:36 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
first of all, he throws things at you?! second, make his dad step in.the father should have the role of disciplinarian. if he has to, make his dad treat him the way he treats you. third, how old is he? if he's 16 or older, he needs to have his butt kicked . he should know by now that its improper to hit any one , especially a woman , even if you are his stepmother. the method my dad uses for discipline includes a belt and someones butt. you or your husband can try it and it never gets old. if your have to, get him while hes sleep, so that way he gets a nice rude awakening.take away anything , like the door to his bed room and stuff like that.
2006-08-15 10:33:44 · answer #9 · answered by yello-w=lab 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
pending on how old he is take him out with you for one or two days and week show him you not suck and bad person. take him for ice cream or to the zoo something you two just you two can do together. spend time with him he well come around make it and once and week or twice and week thing and do it till he gets old enough he too old to do it any more. he may be blaming you and his dad for him and his mother splitting up. my friend going though the same thing with her new boy friend his son is rebelling she takes him places he has started to come around now it took about and month but he loves going with her now. he is 5 years old she take him to the park and to get ice cream, take him to walmart and let him get some new toys. have to find what works he well come around. ween you in the car explain to him you love him and your not going to take the place of his mother. but you want him to know you love him like he your son also not instead one mom he has two that love him very much. and that is an special thing.
2006-08-15 10:07:06 · answer #10 · answered by mommy72403 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋