Do you think that stepparents have the right to disapline and lay out rules for their stepkids?

Question

I have asked questions about my stepson on here before, and though most of the answers that I get are great, a few people, however, have made comments that stepparents shouldn't be disaplining, telling their stepkids what to do, or setting down rule for them, that it should be the "real parents". So does this mean that we basically let our stepkids run over us? Or not encourage them to view us a authority figures? In my case, I am being expected to take over as my stepsons mom, she gave him to us(Yes us, the custody papers have my name on them as one of the primary parents), so if I am doing the duties of a mom, like washing his clothes, buying school supplies, cooking his meals, then shouldn't I have a right to be a true parent to him. Or am I just suppose to be his maid, or as some have put it, his friend? What if my husband isn't home and my stepson does something wrong? Do I let it go till his dad gets home? Why are stepparents not suppose to be "parents" to their step kids?

Answer 1

Once again. You married a man w/children, did you forget that you get the whole package? Stop trying to be the evil step parent, You as a step parent are free to ask them to stop something that is potentially harmful, even physically restrain them from something life threatening ( like holding them back from running into the street ) If you want to lay down punishments i think you are wrong. That is your husband's job, and yes since you are not there mother they should wait until dad gets home. It sucks but you married into it.

I wish your husband never left his kids alone with you, since from reading your past posts, you can't stand your stepchildren. Heck you don't even share the same feelings between your 2 bio children, I wonder how much of a connection you have to your stepchildren. NONE.

I wish parents in split families took more time out for the children, and tried to understand what these kids are going through. A step parent can be a powerful and positive influence in a child's life if they just gave a shoulder to cry on, or someone to talk to when there feeling blue. Think of the kids

Answer 2

You have to set your own standards in this thing. But with the legal papers that the kid is in your custody it seems logic that when a child needs disciplining it may come from you. Just check with your husband to back you up on that.

Disciplining is no other than taking care of a child. As long as the disciplining doesn't turn out in sessions for pure punishment. The whole disciplining department is in fact to call a kid's attention and keep it focused. This doesn't always work in soft mode, but one hit or a good yell usually yields.

The worst thing that can happen if you have only half of the authority, is that your step child could well start to behave badly without you being able to do anything about it. I'm sure your husband wouldn't want to have an ill mannered child or you to blame for it. So you definitely have to work some arrangement out to address this issue. Though keep in mind that now that you have legal custody over the child you are a parent, step or not. Just imagine how it would be for adopting parents if there were laws against them disciplining their children. It's a fundamental part of raising them. Though the most important part is trust. Make sure the kid trusts you and you will less likely have to discipline on a regular basis. Have your husband trust your judgment as well that you act in the best interest of your (step) child.

Best of luck with it.

Answer 3

Yes. Now of course that doesn't mean abuse or neglect, but if a woman marries a man and expects him to pay the rent, the electricity and put food in that kids mouth then he should be allowed to discipline that child as well. Any discipline that the stepparent gives should be equal to or less than what the birth parent gives (for example, if a mother uses timeout only then the stepfather has no right to whip out the belt, but if the mother whips out the belt then I think the step should be allowed as well). Basically not allowing a stepparent to discipline a child makes that person a 'paper dad' or a 'paper mom' and the kid will know they can get away with certain things because the stepparent is powerless to do anything about it.

Answer 4

If a step parent loves the child in a normal and healthy way first. It is important to have a loving relationship with the child first. One cannot discipline without love. Yes, it is very important that there is a healthy family structure. No a child should not be able to control or walk over the step parent. Discipline is done to help the child to know barriers and boundaries. It is structure to teach the child in a positive healthy way of what is and is not acceptable. If the structure is absent, it harms the child. Build a loving and trusting relationship with the child. Never discipline out of anger. Be consistent. Make clear, understandable, and fair rules. Determine the boundaries. Make sure the consequences are clear to the child and parents. Never undermine each other. The natural parent and step parent must use the same parenting style. If you both use the same guidelines and both stick to it, you both and the child will benefit. The child may test you both, but once it is established and your consistent, it will work. Children need a sense of security by knowing thier boundaries. Family meetings are helpful. Make a time where you all can sit and discuss concerns and explain boundaries. Be sure the child knows you set rules out of love. Best of love & happiness.

Answer 5

You sound really frustrated...it must be a difficult situation. The truth is, it isn't about your "right" - you certainly have the right to do it, but it's about what is best in the situation. Research has shown that if I stepparent comes into a child's life after the age of 5, that that person can never be accepted by the child as a "parent" because the stepparent has missed those critical years of bonding and trust. Thus, if you try to discipline a stepchild (who doesnt view you as their parent, but their stepparent) then you are likely to meet strong opposition and rebellion. In addition, the child overtime will come to dislike you or even hate you because they dont have the love and trust developed that they have with their dad, but they get the harsh feeling of discipline...and that is not good for anyone in the family. That is not to say that your stepchildren dont need to be disciplined! They do need that - but it needs to come from their dad and if you have to wait until he gets home, than that is absolutely fine. This is not to say you cant discipline the child at all - but, just that you should not be the PRIMARY disciplinarian. You may have the legal right to discipline him, but you have a higher calling, which is to do what is best for him and your family...that is what being a "true parent" is...disciplining does not make you a true parent - doing what is best for the child day in and day out is what makes you a true parent - as it looks like you are doing. Focus on building love and trust with your stepson - I PROMISE you - if you focus on that rather than on disciplining him you will have a MUCH better relationship with him when he is older, you will save yourself and your family from much heartache, conflict, and strife, and you will have a child that rebels LESS instead of more. If you try to be the primary disciplinarian, you will find that you have a rebellious, angry, child. Isnt the goal to have a child who is happy, respectful, and behaves? You will NOT achieve this by being a force of discipline. You will better achieve this by being a force of love, safety, and support. Let his dad be the heavy. It sounds like you are really devoted to your stepson and want to do what is best for him and be a great parent to him - that is wonderful! Just make sure your energy is focused on truly helpful things! Good luck!

Answer 6

You should look at the situation in a different light. You are no longer just the step parent, you are now a primary parent also. I am the father of 3 wonderful children and I am on my second realtionship. I'm not married, but my girlfriend does live with us. The mother of my children passed about 5 years ago and my girlfriend has taken up most of the responsibilities that their mother had occupied. My 5 yo son bit her a couple weeks ago. I wasn't home and by the time I had arrived home, she had already punished him for it.He hasn't bit her since (thank god!). I had no problems with her punishing him and felt that it was her responsibility because she was the closest parent in that situation. If she had waited, the punishment from me would have confused him. So yes, I believe you do have the right, if not the responsibility, to discipline your stepson.

Answer 7

It is a delicate situation. First he didn't choose you...his dad did. Second...his mother gave him to you guys...he has got to be feeling kind of unwanted and rejected by his mother. And here he lands in your home. Are you the primary care giver? If you are that is another problem for him. He didn't come to live with you he came to live with his Dad. (I am speaking from a childs point of you). Do you have other children? Are they yours, or both of yours? Have you all been together for a while as a family? Is he just stepping into this already made family that didn't really ever include him? Was his life with his mom hell? All these could be factoring into his rebellion towards you. Do you have the right to disipline? Yes, but trust me you cannot walk in there be I AM THE ADULT. YOU WILL LISTEN. My mother's husbands used to try to do that.....and all I could think is...shut up your aren't here to stay, I give you a year tops. I was only in 6th grade the firsttime I thought that. A blended family is very hard....but it can be very rewarding. Take him out...just the two of you. My friend did that with her stepson, and her boys. Once a week , after everyone was down for the night she would go wake one of them up and take them to McD's or Taco Bell. Just one on one time...and they were teenagers. Maybe some one on one with the Dad too, might be very helpful, in making him feel secure in this family. I mean he just got booted out of his last one. I know it is disrespectful..what he is doing , and hurtful. But a little bit of compassion and understanding for what he is going through might go along way in the end. He really dosen't know fully why he is acting this way. He is still a kid...even at 16...17,,man I was dumb till I was at least 20.

Answer 8

Most discipline should reside with the biological parent, period.

There should be basic house rules, set down by you and your husband that both of you may discpline the child for breaking.

You should be able to enforce any rule or reasonable means of discipline when the bio parent is not around. Heck, school does it!

The Bio parent must be extremely committed to backing you up and being consistent with discipline and following through with it.

Other than those stay out of it. This kid is just another person on earth and a relationship between you two will take the effort of both of you. There is no Bio-Bond If he can't have basic respect and decency to you then cut him off and do nothing for him! When he changes then you let him back in Let his father do everything regarding his child(laundry, etc) and explain to your husband that you will not do things for someone that treats you like that. Your husband must understand this and not take offense. You can';t expect that kid to act towards you like a BIO parent.

Answer 9

It's my opinion that step parents are just as much parents to the children as their bio- parents. (Speaking as a step mother of a 3 year old and an 18 year old).

Everyone home should have rules. When I married my husband for me one of my major concerns was, my oldest step daughter is literally only a few years younger than me- and MANY thought it was just insane that i'd be enforcing rules or disciplining, or reprimanding, etc, etc my oldest step daughter.

I was very thankful that my youngest stepdaughter was practically just born- and I've been involved with her since the beginning.

The children are in your home, and they should respect you. In the same token you should respect them. As a step- parent/parent it's your responsibility to raise/rear the children along with their parents.

I also encourage you- take heart. When it comes to step parents - children are just..."weirded out" for some reason. I don't know if you ever had step parents when you were growing up, but if you did- imagine how it felt for you. Consider the fact that the sons may possibly have feelings that no one has discussed yet.

Get to know them. Let them see that you care for them, and you want all the best for them, but by NO means allow them to "walk over you".

As for the maid thing, I really don't think it's your job to be their maid. Depending upon age, there are things they should be able to do for themselves.

Talk with your husband that's really important to share how you feel and your concerns, and to hear what he thinks and feels and then you BOTH sit down with your sons and talk to them.

Establish house rules, Establish consequences, Establish a reward system appropriate to their age. AND allow them the opportunity to talk and share whatever it is they are feeling. Let them be 100% honest.

Maybe even consider family counseling for your family.

Blessings To You & Yours

Answer 10

I was going to ask the same question as I am having the same dillemma as you are. I am the primary parent to both my step children. Their father is working most of the day and their mothers (yes there are 2) rarely ever see them so I am the primary parent for them. Even with their father being here he rarely pays attention to behaviors that I find to be a problem so I have to point it out and encourage him to discipline them about it. I don't want the kids to resent me or anything but someone has to discipline them. I have only had to spank my step son once but it was well deserved and even he will tell you that. I did actually ask the kids who they would prefer to do the disciplining and they readily pointed to me so I feel like I am doing a good job guiding them and disciplining them. I think when you are the primary parent it changes the rules. As long as you and the father are on the same page about the rules and disciplining them they should be fine. I am still curious to see what others will say.

Answer 11

Step Parents are parents to whatever child lives or visits in their household. When you marry someone you marry thier children also! People are nuts! I know that If I am the adult in my household that Im not about to allow a child to rule over me!? That's Crazy! If your husband or step child has a problem with you disciplining this child then there is a porblem! because if you guys allow this child to control your home he/she will cause separation between you and your husband if he hasnt done so already! You and your husband need to take control of the situation and let the child know who is the boss! You dont have to be mean or hostile but he's a child..!