I met this guy on the internet (not a dating site, but a music forum), and we ended up falling DEEPLY in love with each other. He lives in Canada, I live in the (southern) United States. My mom wants me to go to school this semester, but I want to take a semester off to move up there with him. We've been talking on the phone the whole summer, but I haven't really told my mother about him and our plans of living on our own... all she really knows about him is the fact that I ran up the cell phone bill REALLY high by talking to someone in Canada.
I'm 20 yrs old, he's 21... we haven't met yet but we exchange photos and use the webcam, so I know WHO I'll be meeting. I think (actually I know) I've found my soulmate. I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and he feels the same way about me (don't ask me how I know, I just do, lol). I've never done anything like this before and I wanted to know how (if it were possible) I could get my mother to agree with my plans as soon as possible.
2006-08-14 23:57:52 · 8 answers · asked by Loving Life 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
You want to move in with a person, who lives in another country, that you've never actually met? I can't help you talk your mother into not having a problem with this because I agree with her, probably because we're about the same age. Some things you just *get* by the time you're in your 40's that you didn't *get* in your 20's. Your mother is right.
Keep this in mind... the worst thing that could happen if you wait is what? You "waste" a little time? You're 20. You've got DECADES of time. Take a few months of it to spend time with this guy, face to face, before you make such a huge move.
Ask him to come meet your family first and hang out for a few days or maybe a week, under the supervision of your mom if you still live at home. He can sleep on the sofa and you can spend your days getting to know each other and letting your mom get to know him too. Keep in mind that SHE hasn't been spending all this talk time with him so SHE doesn't know him at all. You might as well be telling her "I'm planning to move to Canada to live with Jack the Ripper - Love you, Bye, bye!"
Then, if that goes well, take another vacation time to go hang out in Canada for a week (at this point, hopefully with your mother's blessing.) Repeat this a few times. Make sure you're sure once you've met in person and spend real time together. My daughter's been dating the same guy for a year now. She's your age. She sees this guy almost every day and talks to him several times a day. But... they're not living together and won't any time soon because she's in college and wants to have a degree before taking that step.
Your mother is only asking that you move through the stages of your life in a normal order instead of skipping some to move ahead before you should. Education first... then living with the guy... that's the best order. You want to put off college to move to Canada like once you're up there, working to pay expenses and such, that you're going to what? Go to college in Canada? Who's going to support that? Him? Or will you work AND go to school? Will part time be enough if you choose to stay? How much does he make? He's only a year older than you... is he also a student? Think about the financial aspects of this and the likelihood that you will complete your education if you move there.
Could be there's no chemistry in person. Could be he has horrible freaky annoying habits you can't stand. Could be you have some he can't stand. Maybe your feet look just like his ex-girlfriend's and he can't cope. Maybe you'll spend a week together and you'll realize "OMG - this guy needs therapy!" What if you're really awkward with each other in person and it doesn't get better? What if you get up to his place and find pictures of Jody Foster plastered all over his spare bedroom wall?
I know you think you know him really well because of all the time you've spent talking. Truth is that you only know the parts of him that he has voluntarily communicated with you. Same applies in reverse and he doesn't know anything more about you than you've told him.
My father told me that you should never live with a person until you know how they respond to pressure, frustration, and things that require an inordinate amount of patience. He always said that people don't need marriage counseling... because you can sit in a room and say or feel anything for that moment. He told me "If you really want to know how a person will cope in moments of complete frustration, wallpaper a large room with them... with a wallpaper that has a large repeat pattern... it'll tell you everything you need to know."
Once I helped a boyfriend build a natural wall for his garden out of stones and slate. They had to be fitted together... these random rocks and slabs of slate... to stand straight, bear weight, not fall, look appealing to the eye. What we learned that day was that I had far more patience than he did... but more than that, for him, was that I had far more patience than his ex-wife. It was a huge turning point for him in our relationship. But... if you don't ever place someone in that situation, how do you know?
How does he respond to traffic? Large phone bills? Is he financially responsible? Poor service in a restaurant? Does he pull into the handicapped parking places when it's raining? Pull the wings of flies when no one is watching? Is he a slob or a neat freak? Is his body odor pleasant or not? How often does he shower? These are fairly basic things (and there are a million of them) that you will not know from phone and internet.
Visit first... move later if it goes well. My best to you... and never forget how much your mother loves you. It's why you're going through this right now. What would it feel like to you if she didn't care enough to be concerned? Much worse... trust me.
2006-08-15 00:49:11 · answer #1 · answered by thegirlwholovedbrains 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're mother is NEVER going to agree to let you just leave and live with a guy you've never met face to face. For a 20 year old you should know this already.
2006-08-15 00:01:17 · answer #2 · answered by Game Guy 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is not smart, just because this guy seems nice does not mean he is. Canada is another country and I live in Michigan which is just a hop away, but you never know usually mom's are right take yo butt to school. Leave this guy alone.
2006-08-15 00:01:37 · answer #3 · answered by NCCUGirl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think he should come and visit you and your family first. You are young to be making a lifetime commitment. Finish your education and then see how things go. My daughter is the same age as you and I wouldn't be happy if she was planning this.
2006-08-15 00:03:17 · answer #4 · answered by Gone fishin' 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
why don`t you ask him to come and met you first. he`s the man that`s what I mean respect to a lady. there`s no guarentee in a love live, take some thing that make you feel save. and remember you can respect a man who respect you and your family.
2006-08-15 00:06:57 · answer #5 · answered by lucky d 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
a great frustration is waitig for you in Canada
and there's nothing to convince your mother otherwise
JUST assure her that you'll return if things do not go well
...and RETURN if things do not go on well
2006-08-15 00:00:59 · answer #6 · answered by Roland 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell him to move to U.S. and then carry on from there. Test the man.. if he fails....then he isn't your soulmate I guess :)
2006-08-15 00:04:22 · answer #7 · answered by Vitamin C 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Listen, you can do as you please. You are old enough. We all make our own mistakes! Good luck! By the way, your mother knows you better than anyone!
2006-08-15 00:03:12 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋