Poem..critics plsss?

Question

Droplets
the droplets, silver and fresh
the beat, the rhythm
sparkling, captivating.
it is, to the fool
of no consequence.
the numb, sullen and dull
walks bare-footed,
half-witted,
weary and torn.
unknowing, uncertain
of what lies ahead
waiting...
the droplets, silver and fresh
the dagger, the heart, the blood
and the pain
it is, to the fool
his life, his misery
his fate.
with every step
solitary, grief- stricken
the light, the rainbow
and the journey
is about to end...

i've made this poem a year ago (more or less) and i want everybody's opinion. constructive, even destructive criticisms plsss?

Answer 1

I write a lot of poetry...

And I have NO criticisms...
And, I LIKE to criticize...

The only thing I can say that I like it TOO much and I'm a bit jealous...

That's a backhanded compliment!

You should write more, IMHO

Answer 2

I gather that your droplets are rain drops and your "fool" does not notice them or the rainbow. OK, hardly profound but it is ok.

I like the bare-footed, half-witted juxtaposition. Get rid of the ellipses (...); they mark you as a tyro.

Drop the commas in "It is, to the fool,"

Suggest a break between waiting and the droplets.

Likewise, I might change from silver and fresh to a different two modifiers to change the mood a little. Think about it. Just a suggestion.

The dagger, the heart, the blood and the pain -- makes that plural then so your "it is, to the fool" rather a tough construction. I know, you want it to be parallel. "Are to the fool" is better grammar.

Answer 3

Every life on this earth is but a droplet in the big ocean, called Life. Life, as such offers many a colourful scenes and events. It is so captivating and enchanting for some one who can look at it in its totality. However, for a suffering individual its myriad scenes of fun and colourful setting are of no consequence. He is too engrossed in his own misery to be taken in by the enchanting beauty of Nature. Each individual is living in his own cocoon, unable to cope with his misfortune in this life. Grief stricken, he awaits his end not knowing what lies ahead for him. With that end, all the journey of his life, with all the light and rain bow also come to an end. The drop lets, at the end of the day, join themselves together and become a stream and find their way into the ocean- the Ocean of Life. From this Ocean, again there shall again be a cycle of life. Many more droplets, sufferings, grief-stricken in the midst of light and rainbow. The cycle will go on.

Answer 4

Hi, i like your poem, it is well written and has an open style that allows the reader to gather their own meaning. I personally immediatly thought of The Fool card from the tarot deck and all the metaphyisical meanings that this card covers. The weary half-witted person who has to trod through life "barefooted and blind, or blindfolded). Although this meaning leaves me wondering about the silver droplets. Lastly i like the flow phonetically that this poem has it is very lyrically pleasing.

Answer 5

I am not one to criticize as I haven't written in a very long time. However, my past professor who is an established writer and scholar would suggest that you write less adjectives, and describe those words concretely with nouns and verbs.

Also, grammar and punctuation should be impeccable (not to suggest that yours isn't). Phrasing is organic; start each line with a verb or noun for stronger effect, rather than 'the' or with a pronoun or linking verb. Each line should hold a thought or an image.

Your subject should be tied to strong imageries that are more metaphorical than literal.

Answer 6

It seems promising. I feel you really got some feeling and reflecting in here. The sparseness is good.

But there's work you can do on this, I feel.

Post your poem on www.allpoetry.com/ You will get comments there. Also, there are free classes and bulletin boards, chat rooms to discuss poetry and anything else you like.

I've been a member for over a year. I'm cafegroundzero.

Answer 7

I like the end, it leaves hope at the end

the light at the end, like heaven.

and the rainbow like the throne room of heaven
"there was a rainbow round abut the thrne, in sight like unto an emerald"

Answer 8

It scans well but there is no rhyme, so does that make it prose? There are prose and cons to this argument.
The fool is actually a fortunate being. He Journeys along the road to discovery with his genitals exposed. What a guy!

Answer 9

its good and it gives me a visual intake as well as an understanding of what the person is going through, to make it better add more detail such as why this person feels this way or what pushed this person over the edge

Answer 10

I think it's great. Start blogging. Also, get hooked up at local poetry reading of sorts and learn, listen & distribute your own wisdom.