Ways to reconnect father daughter relationship?

Question

My father and I see our relationship in totaly different eyes. He says he loves me but to be doesnt show it hes not affectionate and its hard to know when hes trying to show me he loves me ya know.. But anyways my question is. We arnt very close and i want us to be. Any ideas how to Build a bond? We dont like the same things we have different interest. But any suggestions as to how to get close? without being mussy mussy?.

Answer 1

My dad and I used to be the same way. When i turned 18 though I decided to see him for the adult he is and accept him, faults and all. We arent 100% close now but we are a whole lot better. I told my dad I wanted to have an adult friendship with him and took an interest in some of the things he did. I didnt become obsessed but I asked about his life more and paid attention and he asked about mine. We'll never be a 50s TV series family but I like us now. Hope that helps.

Answer 2

Boys in our society today have been taught that it is unmanly to express their emotions. From a young age, they are taught that men should be the "strong" one. This carries into adulthood. I am sure your dad really does love you, but does not know how to show it. If you get a chance, there is a really good book. It's very research-oriented, but it is an excellent read. It's called "Real Boys: Rescuing our sons from the myths of boyhood." It basically explains that many boys and men have the same emotions as women, contrary to popular belief. Once you understand this, it may help you see life from his point of view. I think that is important.

No shared interests at all? First of all, I would need to know your age. This would help give me a more accurate portrayal of the situation. Are you an adult or a teen? I think you should begin with something small, so that neither of you will feel awkward. What about dinner at a semi-nice restaurant? You could talk about school, or talk memories from the past years. Another idea to bond is through board games. Unlike television, it allows for interaction. Once again, knowing your age would help. Do you have a dog? I think it would be nice to head to a park, and walk the dog together and talk. Fishing?

Answer 3

Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about how you can make their lives better. When you stop being SELF-centered, and do for others, you will find that others will be more open to you. At a time like this, it shouldn't be about what you get from him, but what you can give to him to help him with this transition. I'm not saying be a doormat - you mustn't let others walk all over you. But if you will do the things that will make their transition easier, then things will improve. You knew he had children before you married him... so understand that they are his priority - and they should be. They need time to settle in and establish their relationship anew - and you can help the most by helping your husband with that in any way he needs. Don't force yourself on the girls... they probably resent the fact right now that they've lost their mom (even if she was unfit). Just be patient.

Answer 4

Sometimes fathers get closer with kids once the kids get older, and the father starts seeing them differently. Some fathers do seem to have trouble being really close to their children for some reason. Its as if they see their children as a different species, but then the child grows up and they start to see them as a person.

You might be able to feel closer if you thought up something to talk to him about. Ask him about something he knows - like finances, cars, whatever. Ask him specific questions about when he was a younger (something like, "Did your school teach about "duck and cover"?" or "Do you think television was better in the 70's?"). Ask him specific questions about what he would like to do in the future ("Do you think you'll ever sell the house and buy a condo when you're older?" and follow up with "Why" - or else something like, "Do you ever plan to retire?". Pick up his answer, and continue the conversation. Conversation is always a way to feel closer.

If he's at least the kind of father that you could ask this of, just tell him, "Hey, Dad. I wish we could go out for a pizza every week or so." I don't know how old you are, but if you're a teenager and if he's headed out to a store you could ask if you could go. Any time people go out together and do a little chatting along the way or during the pizza-eating they feel closer.

If you could do the above you might feel a little closer. If he's the type that will be see you differently when you get a little older that should help to.

In the meantime, while I'm not one to be qualified to give an opinion about your relationship, I am qualified to speak from
experience with relationships that aren't quite what I think they should be: People are who they are. They have their personalities. Some people are warm. Others just cannot be.
There are times when you have to just know someone loves you and not expect them to do a better job of demonstrating it. Maybe they should be able to, but they can't. Sometimes we can ask how this person could love us if they don't act the way other people who love someone do, and the answer is that something is with their personality or their own upbringing that makes them incapable of it.

You talk about building a bond. Your father may have an enormous bond with you, but he may not be able to show it. I compare some relationships to this: You could walk into a store looking for a camera. The salesperson can ignore your talk of a camera and start showing you state-of-the-art computers at a fantastic bargain. The salesperson thinks she's offering you something great. You, on the other hand, are not satisifed because you want a camera and don't know why she's talking about computers!

So often in relationships things are kind of like that. If you love your father, and if you know he loves you then just try to strike up conversations more and just tell him you'd like to spend time with him doing even "nothing" things (like going to Home Depot or out for pizza or whatever). He doesn't sound like the kind of person who would want to go to some counselor to re-hash might be wrong as far as you're concerned.

You don't necessarily have to have the same interests to have a conversation about anything in life that all people have in common - the state of the world, people's childhoods, cell phones, computers, math, the local mall they're building, anything.

One other possibility: Tell your mother you wish she'd encourage him to take the time to tallk with you, bring you out for a pizza, or whatever. Let her be the go-between if that would seem like it would feel more comfortable for you. Just casually tell her you wish you could spend more time with him or talk with him more. Let her be the go-between if that's more comfortable for you. That's what mothers do sometimes.

Final thought: Sometimes loving someone means loving who they are right now - trouble with showing affection and all. Sometimes all the wishing-they-were-what-you-wish-they-were in the world won't do a bit of good, and you have to be happy with having something very, very good that - yes - maybe you wish could be better but may not be.

No matter how much parents try to give kids what they want and need in terms of closeness, affection, time, etc., no matter what parents do there will always be something their children wish they would have done but didn't. That's because parents can't be everything. The father who smothers his kid gets a kid who wishes his father respected his space and autonomy. The father who is not too affectionate gets the kid who wishes he were more so. Its really hard - as a parent - to find that perfect, happy, medium.

Answer 5

My poor 15 year old has the same problem. I know shw would like to be closer to him but he keeps his gaurd up at all times. I tell her to go for the wallet, seems it's all he's willing to put forth. I tell her to take what she can get, while she can. Sounds terrible I know. I tried for so many years to h\get him to love her like she needed to be, My attitude has soured alot... Now I just wish for her to come up on things cause he has shown he is incapable of the other.

Answer 6

immaging things that may interest him, and while doing this, forget the fact he is your "father". Just think about him as a man you can get closer, in the way you describe.

i think you, as you're doing by formuling this question, are the one who must take the first step.

while you're getting closer, remember a father always feel himself "evaluated" by a daughter. they want to be perfect. so look for strategies that may help him to forget this fact too.

Answer 7

pick something he is interested inn and learn about it. the one you are most likely to learn to like. show that you have an interest in him. it will show that you are serious about wanting to connet with him. by the way, have you told him this?