Why do some men have to be such jerks when it comes to fatherhood?

Question

My ex and I split like 7 yrs ago (my kids' dad). He ended up with my brother's wife. They are getting married Sept 2nd. He has not been very active in the boys' lives since the divorce--no phone calls, no birthdays, x-mas', etc...only contact is the support check every week. To date, he has not even told the boys he is getting married. How should I handle it???? Anyone....

Ok, I wasn't clear enough. We have already dealt with the counseling for the whole situation. And as for him having contact with them, in my opinion he was nothing but a sperm donor. Guess I was asking, since my kids know he is getting married (via other sources) should they attend knowing they really aren't "wanted" there, for whatever reasons? Personally, I am not a huge beliver in making kids do anything they really don't want to, especially when they are 13 and 11.

ok...this was a bad idea I guess. My brain isn't functioning right or something. I have gotten over him, cut all ties, a long time ago. I am not bothered by the fact he isn't in their lives as a role model...he would never be a good one that is why he is the EX, among other reasons.

ok last bit of details for this one...I have had custody since just a few months after the split. I threw him out due to abuse, physical and emotional. I have let go of the hate I had toward him because I can't carry that burden all my life, it was too heavy. I even told him I had forgiven him. As for my boys, I realize how lucky I am to have them, and no I would not want to be a part time mom to them. 7 years is plenty of time to "come to grips". I have someone wonderful in my life now and he is great with the kids. However, I will not tell my kids their dad is nothing but a jerk, he is still their father. I let them express how they feel and tell them it is okay to have an opinion, but to remember that no matter what he is their dad and half the reason they are even on this Earth. He has not even told them he is getting married let alone invited them. The boys found out from his brother, who they just spent a month with. If I have totally confused people, I am sorry.

Answer 1

Take the high road and don't force your children to attend this catastrophe. It's not going to last long anyway. Do send him a card though, and after the boys sign their names, write "thanks for inviting us dad, we'd come but you probably wouldn't recognize us".
It sounds childish, but your point will definately be made. Hopefully it'll make him think about the responsibility he does have before he goes on to make any more children that he'll abandon when this marriage ends.

Answer 2

boy oh boy your X sound like a real looser.
I would say it is up to the boys to go to the wedding if they want to. But, don 't use this as an oppertunity to trash talk your X to them. They already know what he is like. If you do find it necessary to make a comment to the boys.....for instance they say, "WHY would I want to go to the AH's wedding" Don' t add to their fire, just reflect back to them of what they have said something like......."I know he disappoints you"

I have a friend with a little girl who is so amazing. This little girl's birth father never met his own father. He lives a couple of hours away and rarely sees her. She is in grade school. She is a very wise child. When she questioned his not coming to visit years ago her mom simple said. Jim loves you very much (which is true) but he really doesn't know how to be a daddy. This amazing little girl understands that. Fortunatly the little girls mom has been with a good man who has become her "daddy" Anyone can be a father aka sperm doner- but it takes someone special to become a daddy!

Back to your issue. I know it is hard but you can't control what your X does. You might be tempted to call and say...."why arn't you inviting your own sons?' If your boys hear this they will feel emotionally trapped between you and their father.
And if your boys ask you why weren't they invited don't say. "because he is a deadbeat dad who isn't capable of being a good father" That will hurt your boys. All you can say is what is true and that is. "I don't know why he didn't invite you." And leave it at that. Honestlly you don'tknow why of it. Maybe the guy knows full well what he is like and doesn't want to involve his boys and show them just how dysfunctional he is. If the boys push you about the wedding, I don't see it as a problem for them to call their dad and ask him themself. Time for the man to face his own issues. When the X deals with you it is a continuation of old issues.

Your poor boys, their absent dad marrys their aunt. That is way too much drama. It would be nice if the boys could be exposed to some healthier adults and have good role models. Don't let this familly dysfuntion continue with your boys generation and to future generations.Your boys have the personal choice to not repeat the sins of the past generations.

Oh boy what a family. I am glad that the boys have you.

Answer 3

Well I can't really see what your question is exactly after all the details you have put but all I can say is that If you think he is such a jerk you should just tell your kids not to go to the wedding and not to worry if you say he hasnt been in their lives I think they are old enough to see that they dont mean so much to their father just be happy for everything you and your kids have and forget about the past and tell your kids that if they wish to talk to their father for any reason to go right ahead they have the right to whether you or he or anyone else likes it or not but if they wish to have nothing to do with their father they are totally free to they r the ones to decide its their lives after all

Answer 4

I can only tell you what I found true for me when my husband left me with 3 children under 3 and paid no child support, support them emotionally, etc. Just let him handle however he wants. I had to bite my tongue when my ex would do things like this, including getting married for the 3rd time a week before our oldest daughter's big formal wedding!!!! I just had to make myself never criticize him and when the kids did I just acknowledged their feelings and told them how sorry I was. Every decision I made I tried to do what was in their best interest, and putting their father in jail for lack of any financial support would not help my chldren have a healthy self view of themselves. The most important advice I could give would be to tell you is "Get your boys in a big brother's club".....anywhere they can have good male role models (not your boyfriends...as that can cause giant resentments) Today the adult children are great, healthy, happy and only my son is still working on some rage inside towards his absent father.....overall,l just knew I could never say ugly things about their father as each of them is 1/2 of their father's genes. Good luck.....as it isn't easy to take the high road...but, do it, you must!!

Answer 5

You have it better than some. My childrens father split and vanished into thin air. No child support or anything.
Don't lie to your kids - Ever. Tell them the truth without bitterness. Never say things like "he doesn't care about you".....just say the reason he is like that is because HE is a jerk and doesn't know a good thing when he has it. Always make it his fault, or the kids will think it was them or because of them. It is HE who is the jerk, the kids deserve better.

Answer 6

that is a hard one, if the boys ask be as honest as you can be for their age level. Without being harsh. He is still unfortunatly their dad, and no matter what a jerk he is, may want to be in their lives latter on. I would however go to court to make sure that you have sole custody so that when he wants to be in their lives it will be on your terms. this will not effect the child support at all. And NO do not make them attend if they do not want to, or tell them that you need them to stick around if you know that they aren't wanted at the wedding by the sperm donar. Kudos to you for the job you have ahead of you and keep it up, it sounds like you are doing a good job

Answer 7

Everyone says it's better to be a part time dad than no dad at all. Would you wanna be a part time wife? A part time mom? We men have a hard enough time with emotions as it is without having to turn it on every third Saturday and holidays. However, it usually gets better once the guy comes to grips with the way things are. I think this guy has simply refused to "come to grips".

Answer 8

This guy sounds like a real prize. Did you ex request that they attend? If not perhaps it is better that they not go. If he wants them there perhaps they should go.

Even though he is not father of the year material, he is still their father. Perhaps later on down the line the kids will regret not going and he will regret removing his kids from his life. Maybe getting married will be new beginning for you all.

Answer 9

Dear Tina,

Sounds like a winner - ended up with your brother's wife. Do you really want him to have contact with your boys?

I would recommend that you seek a professional counselor - the balance between telling the boys the truth about their father, and not discussing it all and having them wonder why they don't have a father - seems to me to be very difficult and might require assistance of someone skilled in child psychology.

-j.

Answer 10

No, I wouldn't even request they go to the wedding. They are pretty young to understand the significance. (To tell you what I think that you didn't ask, the kids will at some point, be very hurt by the absence of their father and wonder what is wrong with them that he didn't want them. It's a legitimate question. They may need some help with that one.)