this is a question for mothers?

Question

how do you deal with your 15 yr old telling you they want to live with their father, who they just started having visitation with and the fathers all for it? how does a mother let go of their only 15 yr old and she feels like shes being betrayed all over again .it like relivng all those old memories of my ex leaving me and my son

Answer 1

You and the dad need to be parents...and together decide where the kid should be and tell the kid together. 15 years old is old enough to have an opinion that should be listened to, but young enough to want to run from problems. Plus, seriously get past the old stuff,,,you did not get left...you made a bad choice in who you married...much better way to look at it then play the victim. Could it hapen again? By your daughter? Yes if you allow it to play like that! Connect with your daughter but be an adult...

Answer 2

There is alot of good advice in here. Leave the past there. It's so hard to let your child go but, he's just a normal boy who probably longed for a father. Now that he's back your son has a need to get to know his father. I raised 2 girls who never saw their father till my oldest was 20. (he left when she was 7 and the other just a baby) When he called for the first time she was one big smile and it was daddy this and daddy that. At first I felt very betrayed that she even talked to him. Eventually he showed his true colors. Unfortunately both my girls went through alot of hurt but because I didn't show my complete rage when he popped back into their lives my heart and my arms are where they ran to when he disappeared again. He's your son and he will always love you. Just make sure he knows how much you love him no matter what the final decision is.

Answer 3

This is not about YOU and your EX...
So do not say it is like all this old crap being betrayed all over again...IT is not...
It is a SON that wants to spend more time with his dad...
who can blames him?
HE is a GUY and moms can be hard to deal with at 15...
let him go a bit more and remember it was YOUR EX that broke your heart not your SON...
The more you hang on to your son when he wants to be with his dad the More he will pull away if you say no...
Come to a solution that is OK for you all...
SHARE THE years...
DAD has 6 months WEEKENDS
YOU have the WEEKS
then the second 6 months you have weekends and dad has the weeks
Get IT?
You will be glad to have some time to yourself and start your life over...

Start schooling again if you need to, start some hobbies, get a boyfriend...????

Answer 4

Start with a split custody. The 15 y/o stays with you both for 2 weeks at a time. I can understand that it is bringing up bad memories but you have to let the child make up her own opinions of her father. He is not betraying you he is wanting to know his father. I have been there and it is very hard.

Answer 5

Stop looking at it as betrayal. Do remember that your ex is half of your son. You can never or should never try to convince a child that their other parent is a bad person. The easiest way to do that is to let the other parent show the child first hand that he (or she) is truly about nothing. Because he wants to stay with his father does not mean you are out of his life. It may mean that now you can have more of your own life. Now you may have that extra time to go back to school or take up a hobby. Your ex may have grown up in the last 15 years and if he has not then you have to be ready to do what mommies do, and that's pick up your baby when that man drops him again.

Answer 6

I'm sure you've heard the saying that the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. It's what he's doing. Hopping over the fence. I raised my daughter (bonus child from hubby's 1st marriage) from the time she was five until she was 14 and then her mother mysteriously reappeared and wanted her back. Reluctantly I had to let her go. I didn't want her to blame me for the missing out on a relationship she could have had with her mother. After three months she came back home. Turns out her mother only wanted her for monetary purposes (she had tens of thousands of dollars in arrears). Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. Maybe your son really does want a relationship with his father, or maybe he just wants to see if the grass is greener living with the ex. If you've raised him right, it more than likely won't last honey, but you have to give him the chance to find out. And I completely understand the feelings of your ex abandoning you and how you feel like it's happening all over again with your son. You've had your son to raise for 15 yrs. You should be grateful for that. He's not abandoning you and you have to believe that. He is going out to seek out answers from a man who abandoned him too and try to build a relationship with his dad that he's probably dreamed of all his life. If it makes you feel any better, committ to this arrangement only on a temporary basis. Say three months for starters. Then call him often and have him call you to keep that bond you have with him close. He's going to grow up and eventually move out in a few years anyway sweetie, you have to start letting go and let him grow. As much as we'd like, we can't keep them forever.

Answer 7

First of all this isn't as good as it looks for your 15yr. old. A relationship can start just like that but when you really get to know the person it wont be pretty. She is only getting to know one side of her father. The side she likes, but when she moves in things change, there are different rules and personality changes. A person seem to be nice to the other person because that is what they are suppose to be doing but things get real when reality hits that ' hey my daughter lives here , that's money taken from me and more food and bills are higher'. People don't like that and they change the niceness to being a real person to the other. She wont like the person he became.

Answer 8

I know how you feel, My ex left me and my child alone also with no help or anything, and he has done the " I want to see my kids thing" with me several times..


I think that most teenage kids in split family homes try to play both sides in this situation. When you make your child mad they use the old...I'm going to live with dad....that's just how most kids are. But if you feels that this man is not fit to help with your child then don't let it happen. You are the custodial parent, it's your choice not his if their is no order he has no rights. But I can understand that you don't want to lose your daughter. Good Luck and hope all works out in your favor.

Answer 9

I can understand how you would feel betrayed. But, you have to understand that if it is your son's wish to be with his dad, it is a right he has.
You have to be strong, and remember your son is not deserting you, he just wants the opportunity to be with his dad. The hardest thing to do is to let your son go. But, you will have to one day, because he is growing. A boy needs a man in his life so that he can grow up healthy. I have boys and you must cut the apron strings or they will expect alot from you to take care of them, and will not learn how to be a man.
Your son will respect you and look up to for the courage it takes you to make this choice he wants for himself. At this age, this is part of his manhood. He needs your support, not your tears.

Answer 10

I would let him go and stay with his father as long as he could deal with his ***.Let him see for himself that the grass is not greener on the other side.