Could you forgive your spouse for having an affair? Thoughtful answers only please!?

Question

My husband, now that the whole story of his affair is out, is telling me he is so sorry, loves me and only me and wants to do ANYTHING to make our marriage work. Before I knew about the affair, he kept saying he wanted to work it out but wasn't really trying. Truth is he'd already been having this "sexual" affair for 4 months. He said he has no feelings for her and doesn't know why he did it except the flirtation and all got the best of him. I just don't know if I can forgive him. If your spouse had an affair and confessed all, promised to change things and work it out, could you move past it, have you moved past it?

Answer 1

XXXX He's sorry? Right. Sorry he got caught. If he was sorry he would have thought long and hard about doing it in the first place. She probably don't want him anymore and he's afraid of being alone. But wait til the next fling comes along. A cheater is always a cheater. It will always be on his mind. If you take him back this time it only cushions the fall for the next time. XXXXXXXXXXX

Answer 2

I have some info that might help you....

first you need to determine whether or not getting over it is something you should do. i saw 7 things that can help you decide this:

Is it an isolated incident or a pattern of behavior? he carried this on for 4 months, so it wasn't a one time thing, the fact that there was only one other woman doesn't make it a single incident, there are probably dozens of them over four months (including past relationships, even if its the first time he cheated on you has he cheated on other gf's)

Does he own it (take full blame) or does he make excuses for why it happened? he's making excuses, the flirtation got the best of him??? how lame is that?

Does he REALLY grasp the damage he's done to you and your relationship or does he just pay it lip service? (is his attitude, get over it and forget it I said I was sorry?)

Is he sorry for the choice he made or sorry that he got caught?

Is he willing to do what it takes to clean up the mess he made, whatever it takes and however long it takes? or does he want to deny it and move on?

Is it out of character for him or is he insenstive about other things too? (respects your feelings, treats you with dignity, etc)

Is it a legacy or a new behavior? did he grow up in a family where this happened? if its what he learned thats a big clue.

Once you've gone through these and IF you determine that the answers all favor a successful relationship (which even knowing as little as I do about it I can see there are two or three of them that definitely don't) then you take it one day a at a time, if its a history or a pattern you leave and realize that it is the idea of the relationship that you 'love' and not the reality, surely you don't define being loved as someone that devestates you emotionally and doesn't care that he did. you have a lot of thinking to do, but don't worry it WILL get better and you will be ok!

Me personally, no, and here is how this goes...at first you are spitting mad, THEN you go through a phase where you want to declare your place in his life and 'get him back', the sex may get good for a while, but THEN the reality of the true depth of the damage starts to sink in. I've been here and done this and when I heard about these stages I was amazed because its exactly what happened but 2 years later I realize it damaged the foundation too much and I'm still here but it will never be what I hoped it could be so it just IS.

Answer 3

Yes you will move past it but only once you have closure. You can forgive him once he tells you the real reason aka the truth as to why he had the affair. You need that closure.

Him telling you that he doesn't know why he did it is a lie. All adulturers know why they cheat on their spouses.

Don't go and have an affair just to get back at him. Your greatest asset is to remain faithful. Don't break your vows just because he did.

You may want to get tested. Better to be safe rather than sorry. Before you can even consider giving it another try he needs to come correct. If he can't do that then it's time to move on.

Answer 4

I found out that my hubby was having an affair. He told me he loved me and wanted to work things out. He ever called her and I was on extention (she didnt know), he told her he loved me and didnt love her and wanted to do whatever necessary to save his marriage. A couple months after that I caught him at her house again. We began marriage couseling at this point. A few months later I found him at her house again. I told him that I wasn't going to get a divorce that I was going to stay right where I was but live my life like I was single. I moved into the spare bedroom too. I have not had sexual relationship with him since and that was several years ago. I never check up on him because I don't care anymore. I do what I want when I want. He doesnt like it but oh well he can either stay or he can file for divorce. I am not sure why he stays in the marriage, is it because he loves me or because he's scared of losing half of everything? We have been married 31 yrs so I tend to believe it's because he doesnt want to lose half of everything including his retirement. I stayed because of my children. They were very young and I didnt want them without a mom and dad the way I had grew up. Well, here it is many years down the road now, my kids are grown and with kids of their own. And, if I had it to do over I think it would have been so much better if I had divorced him back when. Now I am getting too old to really care. I regret the opportunities I passed up for a happy life. Every situation is different, so all I can tell you is don't be a fool like me and waste your life.

Answer 5

I'm sure I would want to. It must hurt so much to know he did this and I think I would have an awful time not forgiving him. However can he really change??? Just because you know about the affair does not give him the ability to change more than he could before. I guess if you do give him a chance you need to specifically spell out what that means. Specifically! It means you treat me with respect. It means you spend time with me. It means you don't see her. It means we DO go to marriage counseling together everytime - no excuses.

You can both move on with each other if he does change. But you can also move on without him. You really can and you might have to. Perhaps he could change. But if he can't be prepared to leave and move on without him.

Answer 6

mmmm I dont know thats a hard one, I think I would if I really believed it was a marrage worth saving. I mean do you still love him? and if you do do you love him enough to maybe move past this? It really all up to you, and what you wan tto deal with. I wont give you the tipical yes you should, because every situation is different. I know that if I was in his postion and he is trying to save the marrage and not running off with this other woman that has to say something right? its up to you and only you. Maybe if you set up some rules for him you knwo simple once like taking you out for dinner one night a week, having him call you when he feels like he needs to. Work out a time for you to have alone. But most of all make sure that your desition whatever it maybe, is what YOU really want and not want other say is the right thing to do. This is your happiness and no others. think carefully. Good luck and I hope everything goes the way you want.

Answer 7

I am in this EXACT situation. 3 Years ago my husband had an affair. After a brief separation, I took him back. 3 years later, I realize that I cannot forgive him. I did not take the time when it happened to separate and heal. Now, I have left him, to take the time I needed to determine if I could ever trust him again. So here I am, on my own, 3 years too late.

Answer 8

Seems to me he's had the affair with intent. That is, it wasn't a momentary, sudden decision, fling. I'd be very suspicious of his "no feelings" and "doesn't know why he did it". He knows very good and well why he did it so he's added dishonesty to his list of "sins." Do you think you can trust his intent to work it out any more than you could trust his promise to "love, honor and cherish" (or whatever the words were)? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Without tremendous work and counseling the outcome is doubtful.

Answer 9

I am in the same situation right now. I am trying to work everything out with my husband. His was a one time only thing so it is a little easier than your situation, but it all sucks, and it's all very hard. Like I said, I'm still working on mine so I have no definite answers for you, but ivillage.com has some really great message boards with good people who are going through alot of the same things. They are really helping me express how I feel and give much more insightful advice than I received here. Good luck.

Answer 10

Look at it like this. He thought about you no more than ten minutes before the first time and no more than ten minutes after. He thought about You and disregarded it. After that his consience let him go back. I ask you, Do you really want to forgive him? I say no and here's why; you have crossed a trust line that isn't able to be erased. You will spend the next years tearing yourself up... wondering. and even if you can forgive.. your relationship will suffer.... you will suffer. What I have said is true, this comming from a man who has been on both sides... you both will never be the same together. hope it helps.

Answer 11

Ouch tough one. The fact the confessed all is really good but the fact is the trust may never be fully there again. If you do decide to stay then I would suggest MAJOR counseling.

I knew of 2 times that my spouse cheated on me while we were together. Both times he denied it and refused to ever talk about it again. I stayed for wayyyy to long living with the knowledge that he lied to me. So be happy at least that your man was honest but just because hes honest about it doesnt mean he will change.